To Beat Or Not To Beat Is The Question

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Recent consultation, at the reception there are two: mother and daughter, both sad, both crying and both do not understand how to live on. Mom's monologue, interrupted by tears, about how long-awaited the girl was, how the whole family rejoiced at her appearance: the only daughter, the only granddaughter, had never known a refusal in anything, and now they waited.

The fourth grade and the fourth year does not want to study, I have to hire tutors so that there are at least Cs. Recently, she began to lie in order to get what she wants. We tried to negotiate, tried to punish - nothing helps. Maybe the time has come when you need not to talk, but just take the belt and beat it well, so that it will be discouraged further ?

I often hear parents ask questions about physical punishment. So to beat or not to beat the child? How is it correct? Let's try to understand this issue together …

What is physical punishment? This is a way when the stronger uses their power over the weaker. What does a child feel besides physical pain when he is beaten helplessly? Fear! What picture of the world is forming in his head?

There is a law of strength and the strong is always right! What will be the result of regular beatings? Loss of trust between you and your child.

He will be forced to lie, dodge in order to avoid another beatings. The worst thing is that over time, children get used to the beatings and no longer react so sharply to them. The result is a change in the child's entire behavior. He can become cowardly, timid, submissive, or vice versa - deliberately rude, provoking parents to inappropriate actions. Children with strong nervous systems may leave home.

Let's face it, as a rule, physical punishment does not solve the problems of the relationship between parent and child, but only exacerbates them. They create a temporary illusion that the child has changed for the better.

Children do not know how to analyze their behavior, it is difficult for them to understand what they were wrong about, they understand only one thing: next time you need to do everything so as not to get caught and that's it!

So what to do with your grown child, how to get the desired behavior from him?

Upbringing is, first of all, patience. When you feel that it is difficult to control yourself, do nothing. Give yourself time to calm down: breathe, shout out your emotions, do a general cleaning (preferably with your child), jump to loud music, take a shower - water is a great shock absorber of negative emotions. The main thing is not to keep them to yourself.

Spoiled children are extremely rare. When parents want to change a child, they do not understand that the child's behavior is a consequence of those family relationships that have developed in the family. If you want to change your child - get ready to change yourself! And nothing else. Make an agreement with your child, be in dialogue with him. Build a clear distance and communicate the boundaries of what is acceptable and unacceptable in the family.

Be prepared for a serious conversation yourself. No matter what age your child is, you need to show him with your strict behavior that the upcoming conversation is extremely important and serious. Start it not with an ultimatum, but with the question why he behaves this way, whether he is aware of part of his guilt, etc.

In turn, you should calmly explain to the child why this should not be done. This should be followed by punishment or discussion of possible punishment in the future for such behavior or misconduct. The main thing to remember is that for one offense there is one punishment. And not as it usually happens: you won't go outside, and I will block the computer, and I will take the iPad. One offense is one punishment. The time of punishment (i.e. restriction in anything important for the child) is set according to the severity of the offense.

It is important to be as consistent as possible in requirements and actions and to correctly understand the levers of your influence, i.e.understand what actions the child will perceive as punishment.

Usually, all punishments of parents come down to depriving the child of something - a TV or computer, pocket money, walking with friends, going to the cinema.

But the most effective are labor duties as punishment. It can be any mechanically repetitive action, necessarily long in time, so that the child not only has time to get bored, but take the lion's share of his time, which he would gladly spend on something else. You can make him go through all the things in his closet and vacuum the entire apartment; you can force me to rewrite several pages from the dictionary, sort out cereals, say, taking rice from buckwheat (by the way, a very useful exercise for the development of fine motor skills). Such punishment, when the child has time to be "alone" with his thoughts, can help him to think seriously about his misconduct and draw the necessary conclusions for the future.

And yet, the reason for the child's bad behavior often lies not in him, but in the parents. As I wrote Agnia Barto “If a child is nervous, his parents should be treated”. Children who have a clear range of personal responsibilities in the family, who do not have a lot of free time, but are busy with business, are rarely naughty and lazy. The child must have an activity, even if it is just entertaining, but interesting for him.

And, most importantly, parents always keep their promises. Then their words will have meaning for the child on any issue.