Second Child. Adaptation For Mom

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Several weeks have passed since I became a mother for the second time and in this article I want to share my thoughts and write about my observations in the role of "twice mother".

I have an assumption that the "pitfalls" faced by a new mother will be similar for many mothers. Here they are, these seven difficulties of adaptation of a mother at the birth of her second child.

The first difficulty faced by a mother who already has one child is to think that she knows everything and knows how to raise children. Of course, the skills gained in raising and caring for the first child can help navigate the process. But it rarely happens when children are alike. And this comes as a surprise to the parents !! With this new child, you need to re-learn how to be a parent. Do not expect that everything will be the same, everything will be completely different.

This leads to the second difficulty. One way or another, we are comparing both children. “But the first had no colic, and the second began a week after giving birth, but the first fell asleep himself, and the second had to be rocked all the time, the first ate every three hours, and the second eats every two and does not gorge on …”. I can assume that further: “one went a year, another at 10 months, one spoke at one and a half, the other at three, one ate himself at two years old, and the second and at four my mother feeds herself …”. And so on ad infinitum.

When we think that we know everything and are able to, and when we start comparing two children, it fixes us on how "it was" with the first one and any situation different from the first child leads us to a stupor, we do not know how to behave, what to do. It seems to us that everything should be different. A mother who does not focus on comparing children shows greater flexibility and resourcefulness, which allows her to accept the child as he is, which is different from her first, has her own temperament, her habits.

The third challenge a mother faces is guilt. So inevitable and burdensome. It can arise due to the fact that we have a baby all the time, and there is no time for an older child, and no matter how hard he tries to attract our attention. Or due to the fact that before we had one child, and we did everything with him and for him, but now we have to "snatch" time for classes and reading books with the elder.

By the way, about the elder. When the second child is born, the first child automatically becomes the oldest child in the family. Here some parents forget that for him, in fact, nothing has changed. He remained as a child. And parents begin to consider him an adult. And this is the fourth difficulty that the mother faces. She perceives her older child as an adult, and sometimes demands that he "is obliged to help in everything and everywhere." Labels are hung: “you are now the oldest, which means you have to …” (clean up after yourself, behave well, help your mother take care of your brother / sister). And all this is imposed, not a choice. If a child shows interest in a brother / sister, do not deny him the pleasure of taking part in bathing, all possible help, but do not insist and do not make it a duty. The elder should have a desire, but here, of course, it all depends on the age difference between the children. And if there is no desire, you can try to interest, but without pressure. And be sure to praise for your help !!

Some mothers, at the birth of their second child, begin to believe that if she has two children, then they should be loved equally. And this is a very common misconception. Because it is impossible to love all children equally. Where does it come from? All of those comparisons that I wrote about at the beginning. Both children are the same (if the parent does not want to see them as different people, with different needs, temperaments, etc.), and, therefore, they must be loved equally. Will not work.

The sixth difficulty is that despite the lack of time, you still need to try to find time not so much to spend time with the older child, but to express the love that he needs so badly now. Tell him more often that you love him, that there is no one like him anymore, that he is unique, thank him for the fact that he appeared in your family and that you dreamed of such a child (which one - smart, talented, kind, attentive) …

And finally, the last thing I would like to write about. Do not try to be in time for everything and everywhere. Don't be torn between household chores and two children. If ironing, washing, cleaning can wait, spend this valuable time with your older child, read to him, play board games, take time to be alone with him (go somewhere, do something together), and so that the time was only yours.