Parents Do THIS. And In Vain

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Compare children. “Look, the boy is not fighting, but what are you ??”, “Masha has solid fives, and you…”. The child does not feel the love of his parents, he believes that this boy, this Masha is better than him, and he is bad, worthless, stupid … Instead of a positive example, the child feels confusion, fear, begins to be jealous of other children. It is better to compare the child not with other children, but with himself: “Yesterday you didn’t know how to tie your shoelaces, but today you almost did it!”, “At the beginning of summer you didn’t know how to swim, but now you have learned.” If the parents draw the child's attention to his achievements, this will push him towards new goals, the conquest of small and large peaks.

Hang up labels. Recently I walked with a child who slept in a stroller. A little girl was riding a scooter and stopped near me, blocking the road. I began to go around her, and her mother, who came to the rescue, began to tell the child: “Why are you standing on the road, shameless, don't you see, my aunt is driving with a stroller!”. Honestly, I shuddered. Once I heard on the site that a grandmother told another woman about her grandson: "He is generally unbearable." "Fool, stupid, mediocre, stupid" - parents hang labels on their children, and then wonder why their children behave accordingly. The label is what is expected of you, this is the behavior that needs to be matched. And if the closest and dearest people call the child that, he thinks that it means that it is. After all, for the first few years, the child looks at himself through the eyes of his parents and assesses himself that way. From these labels, words, his self-esteem is formed.

Devalue. “Don't touch, otherwise you’ll break it”, “Why are you fumbling there, let me do it better myself and faster”, “You spilled water again”. The child feels bad, the one who will fail. And why do something the next time, when my mother knows better how to do it anyway and will do everything for me herself. There is no trace of the former confidence and desire to even try to do something for the first time. Better to help the kid fix something or help him: “Spilled? Help you wipe it? "," Let me help you with the zipper on your jacket "," Do you want to do it with me?"

Praise. "You are the best, the most gifted, the most unique, the smartest." As paradoxical as it may sound, these words also harm the child. Because this is how the child becomes addicted to praise. And coming to a collective (kindergarten or school) in the future, it will be difficult for him that no one can appreciate his uniqueness, giftedness, because there are also 25 people who are equally unique and gifted, besides him. It is better to praise the child for some specific actions: washed the dishes, painted a drawing beautifully, was polite.

Show indifference. I often see mothers on the playgrounds who are sitting with their eyes on their phone or tablet. A variation is talking on the phone. And when children come up to them, ask them to play ball, ride them on a swing, go to another playground, and in all sorts of other ways begin to distract them, I hear in response: “Go play yourself”, “You can't see, I'm busy ??”,“Go play with that girl / boy”,“Are you bothering me again? I just sat down, give me a rest! . Oh, it's not easy for these kids. After all, hearing such phrases from their parents, they understand that they are not needed, there is no time for them, they are a burden and there will always be something that will be more important than themselves …

They frighten with forecasts. "Do not walk through puddles, you will get wet, you will get sick!" The child hears these predictions (you get sick, fall, turn your head) and understands that the world is a dangerous place where you cannot take a step and run into trouble. And instead of a child who was interested in everything, he turns into a closed and indifferent to everything. To maintain the child's curiosity, the parent should reinforce his positive behavior or offer options that would suit the child and the parent: “Let's put on rubber boots so that you and I can walk through the puddles”, “Have you tried to ride on a swing like this?” (and show what you want).

They give ultimatums. “If you don’t take away the toys right now, you will be left without cartoons”, “you will behave this way, I won’t play with you”, “until all the lessons are done, you can forget about the walk”, etc. A parent shows an example to a child that under certain conditions it is possible to do / not do something. And since children learn from their parents, a child in a couple of years can calmly tell the parent: "Until you buy me a toy, until you do something, I will not do that either," and take a protest position.

Blackmailing with love. And this is often heard on the street, on playgrounds: “Nobody will play with people like you,” “I don’t need such a naughty boy,” “If you won’t obey, I won’t love.” After such phrases, the child feels confused, begins to fear that his mother will leave him, leave. And he begins in all sorts of ways (whims, tantrums, etc.) to attract attention, only aggravating the situation. For many years such words leave a deep mark in the soul of the baby, he feels that he is loved conditionally, for something, or they do not love him at all, or he does not deserve love at all. This is a serious trauma in the life of a little person.