2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
This time I want to tell you whether it is worth allowing the child to express emotions? In what way should you let him do this and how should the parent react to the outbursts?
Personally, I am of the opinion that the child should be allowed to express emotions in the quantity and quality in which they have at a certain moment. Why? Read below.
Health problems? Emotion blocking is to blame
There is no longer a secret for anyone that if a child freely expresses emotions, his body functions normally, but once you start blocking them, over time, various kinds of diseases develop, which often turn into chronic status.
You probably noticed for yourself that if you freak out properly, from the heart, and throw out emotions out, it becomes easier, as if a mountain has come off your shoulders. This is provided that you do not know how to work with emotions and transform their negative into positive. The same applies to children (they do not know how to work with emotions, by the way, so you just need to let them throw them out). Outbursts of emotions allow them not to accumulate "clamps" in the body, which later will have a bad effect on the health and future of the child.
Psychological problems? Emotion blocking is to blame
In addition to health problems, a child's emotional intelligence can be significantly affected in the future. This type of intelligence is responsible for what happens inside a person in various situations of daily life. EI is divided into:
Self-awareness - a person understands what his true mood and emotions, stimuli and their impact on others are.
Self-regulation is the ability of a person to control or transform destructive moods and emotions into positive ones, the desire to eradicate judgment and think before speaking.
Intrinsic motivation is something that motivates a person by itself, without expecting material rewards and promises of career growth, as well as the desire to vigorously and persistently achieve their goals.
Interpersonal emotional intelligence is also what happens between a person and other people.
Empathy is the ability to understand the emotional state of others.
Communication skills are the skill of a person to manage relationships in a harmonious manner for each party, as well as the ability to establish new connections.
Thus, suppression of feelings and emotions in childhood in adulthood is fraught with suppression of feelings in relation to other people, it looks especially painful in relationships with loved ones. A person not only hardly understands his true feelings and emotions, but also poorly "sees" the emotions of another person, he cannot always notice when his friend or loved one, for example, is feeling bad. In this case, the poor man is often accused of coldness and callousness, difficulties in interaction appear.
Self-confidence drops significantly. A person, an adult or a teenager, cannot express his opinion, and in family relationships, as a rule, he is in the role of a victim, that is, his personal boundaries are violated.
What about respect for your elders?
“The old, Soviet hardening” in upbringing, alas, still takes place, and the principles of healthy and environmentally friendly upbringing are still not perceived by such parents. They believe that a child should not be allowed to stomp his feet, yell at his parents and slam the door, because it will ruin him…. what about respect? I think it will not spoil ….. I will write about respect below.
As my parenting practice has shown, splashing emotions into a child's voice does not spoil, and respect for the parent does not suffer here in any way. First of all, parents are required to learn to distinguish manipulation from truly sincere emotions.
In general, a sensitive parent will always intuitively understand whether the manipulation is acting in a specific case or whether the child is really angry or offended.
Really strong phrases (like "I hate you") aren't spoken every day, are they? This is hardly a manipulation. Real emotions are strong, they are rarely accompanied by words.
Manipulation, as a rule, is not accompanied by strong emotions, but rather words like “ah, you don’t love me”, “you don’t do something for me” and other phrases with a “trick” (provoking phrases).
Secondly, respect … certainly must be present in any scenario. And he needs to be brought up not at the moment of an emotional outburst in a child, with words from the category: “Why are you shouting like that! This is disrespect for me. He must be brought up always and every day in a calm atmosphere, by personal example and by demonstrating situations that require respect.
“Look, Varya, I would very much like to tell nasty things to your teacher, who is wrong, or to my neighbor, because I don’t like the way she planted flowers near the house, but I will not do this, because I respect these people and them work . With young children, start doing this in a playful way.
"EMOTIONAL APOCALYPSE": HOW TO RESPOND A PARENT?
When a child expresses emotions, he wants his parents to notice his hurt, pain, etc. At this moment, it is important for the parent to make it clear to the child with words or actions that he sees and understands his pain. Here it is worth calling a spade a spade: “I see how bad you are and I understand you. I see your pain and hatred for me …."
There is no need to calm down the child, it is better to sit next to him and just be with him until he calms down.
Later, when the storm has passed, the child begins to regret what he did. What should a parent do? Don't judge. Letting the child know that it is okay to let off steam.
"I see that you are upset and you are sorry that this happened", "You have every right to manifest what you have inside." Tell your child, directly or indirectly, that you always, under any circumstances, love him. Love him, whatever he is and whatever he says to you.
Why is it difficult for a parent to adequately perceive the emotional outbursts of a child?
Because he sees himself at this moment. Children mirror the parent and violate his personal boundaries (they are called to do this). If the parent's ability to build personal boundaries is bad and in some situations he also behaves emotionally “incorrectly”, then the child's emotional outbursts will touch him “for a living”. And in most cases, it “hurts for a living” if, as a child, the parent could not freely express his emotions, he was suppressed and reprimanded for bad behavior and disrespect for elders. Here, the parent should turn to a psychologist and resolve their psychotrauma individually.
CASE IN LIFE: EITHER HE OR ME!
Varya is very worried about the birth and appearance of a brother in our life, at first she really wanted a brother, but then she realized: she gets less attention, and there was additional responsibility for her brother, which she did not suspect.
Of course, before the appearance of her son, we had been preparing her for this for a long time through conversations, but the reality turned out to be completely different. As a result, Varka began to freak out. She began slamming doors and shouting that she hates us, that no one needs her and we do not love her … these are very strong emotions, one could “fill them with water”, prohibit them from behaving like that. But there is such pain …
My mom's job is to help her look at the situation differently. I gave her the opportunity to throw out all the negativity. Slam all the doors and say all the worst that was in her soul, then she gave her five to nine minutes to cry, and later she came up to her and sat down next to her, shared her feelings, saying that I saw how she was in pain, I understand her indignation about the stolen time that was supposed to be reserved for her, how everything changed not for the better for her, and how painful and insulting it was …
I was just stating the facts, saying everything she could feel. And then I changed the focus of attention to the fact that she is my only girl, my assistant and the most important and necessary one, my joy that now there are two girls among the boys who keep order here and deserve the best gifts for March 8th …
In general, I made her understand her importance in our family, which unites us all and makes her necessary for us and, of course, beloved. In other words, it is important in such moments to find an approach, a key that will resonate in the heart of the child.
And in no case should you forcefully load him with worries, but only involve and interest him. I ended the conversation by saying about my feelings in relation to the situation (about my sadness, pain, etc.). In the last moment, you cannot get personal. If a parent wants to express his feelings and emotions, especially if they are negative, then they should be dedicated not to the person, but to the current situation.
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