DIVORCE THROUGH .. BED

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Divorce through … bed! In half of married couples, the beginning of a regular intimate life leads not to strengthening, but to a deterioration in relations. Every second divorce is associated with intimate disharmony in a couple. In formal terms, this is a paradox. It seems that a man and a woman, after several months or years of friendship, having already begun to live together, would have to fully reveal themselves in the sphere of intimacy, endow each other with all the benefits of a stable sex life.

I will say right away: it is important to clearly distinguish family intimate disharmony from ordinary family conflicts, which negatively affect the intimate life of the family. Despite the external similarity (no sex!), These are two completely different phenomena in their essence. Common family conflicts that negatively affect family sex life are, for example:

• - The wife was offended by her husband because he promised to spend the weekend with his family, and he himself went fishing with friends.
• - The husband was offended that his wife called his friends "drunks" and "fools."
• - The wife was offended by her husband because he did not congratulate her mother on her professional holiday.
• - The husband is offended by his wife because she stubbornly does not want to lose weight.
• - The wife was offended by her husband because he did not wait for her while she was putting the child to bed, fell asleep himself, the romantic evening did not work out.
• - The husband was offended that his wife took some man to her in Odnoklassniki, was jealous and arranged an intimate boycott for her for a week.

Etc. etc. In general, you get the idea. Any form of sexual strike over things not directly related to the intimate sphere, these are "ordinary family conflicts that negatively affect the intimate life of the family." This is unpleasant, but still - not scary and not tragic, as a rule - easily surmountable. Therefore, we will not talk about them. So, real sexual disharmony (not associated with physical ailments) in the family is clearly diagnosed by me on the following three grounds:

Three signs of sexual disharmony in the family:

Sign 1. Some of the partners voiced their specific intimate wishes several times (either for the amount of sex, or for its quality and variety), however, the "other half":

• - l because she has completely abandoned the conversation on this topic;
• - either pretended not to understand (a) hints of this or that intimate variety;
• - either gently (under some plausible pretext), or - flatly, refused to perform them;
• - or these requests are fulfilled extremely rarely, only after a lot of pressure, without great joy and never have their own activity in this matter.

In this case, it doesn't matter what “several times” means: two times a husband or wife asked for something intimate, or twenty-two. Fundamentally, any person has his own pride and his own pride. Sooner or later, acting as a "supplicant", "buyer" or "rapist" becomes morally uncomfortable. Then a person goes to look for someone, someone will be intimately closer to him (her).

Sign 2. In a couple, there is a clear division of partners according to the scheme of intimate behavior: someone is the “main active”, someone is the “main passive”. Accordingly, most of the initiatives to intimacy are made only by the “main active”. "The main passive" - regardless of the direct behavior in bed, practically does not take initiatives for intimacy. In this case, the patience of the "main active" sooner or later ends, the person decreases his activity in the family and (according to the law of conservation of energy) increases it somewhere else. That is, it starts to walk "to the left" …

Sign 3. In the intimate life of spouses, nothing has changed for many years in a row. In a couple where the age of partners is up to thirty years, there are no innovations, positive changes and experiments in the intimate sphere for more than three years in a row. In a couple where the age of partners is from thirty to forty years, there are no innovations, positive changes and experiments in the intimate sphere for more than five years in a row. In a couple where the age of partners is from forty to sixty years, there are no innovations, positive changes and experiments in the intimate sphere for more than ten years in a row.

In this case, as a psychologist, I do not believe that both spouses at once turned out to be from the category of people with low sexual needs. (Of course, this happens too, but extremely rarely). Surely, at least one of the couple still wants to somehow diversify their intimate menu, but he (a) clearly understands: Alas, with this partner it is fundamentally impossible! Therefore, we are silent … And we look to the left. Then there is a simple scheme that works in the same way for both men and women:

Whoever looks “to the left” for a long time and intently will go there one day. And divorce can overtake you

All three of these signs are different facets of one phenomenon called "sexual disharmony in the family." But, even any one of them is clear evidence that there are obvious problems in a couple in the field of intimacy.

Note also that prolonged absence of sex is not in itself a sign of sexual disharmony. As a rule, this is a sign of the presence in the family of some other unresolved problems, often - strong resentments of partners against each other. However, if a couple has problem # 1 or # 2, when someone first begs the partner for some special sexual "raisins" or sex in general for a long time, and then gets very offended, then long pauses in the intimate life of the spouses also take place. Now, for a complete understanding of the specifics of sexual disharmony, I will tell you three nuances:

Nuance of sexual disharmony №1. Sexual conflicts are usually taciturn. That is, if, after reading these signs of sexual disharmony, you were suddenly delighted, according to the scheme: “But my husband (wife) and I never argue or swear on these sensitive topics! Hurray, everything is fine with us! Divorce is not terrible for us on this occasion”, do not rush to rejoice. Practice shows that:

- Firstly, most of the intimate conflicts arise in the first months or years of the relationship, and then they simply do not remember about them … When a man or woman tries to achieve something from a partner, and then gets tired of fighting and stops. Therefore, if there are no formal conflicts, there is intimacy, however, that active party who asked for something, demanded or transparently hinted (a), this sought-after never received (a), and years have passed, you can be sure: in fact in fact, the intimate conflict did not go anywhere and did not "dissipate by itself"! Simply, due to some peculiarities of your character, you did not attach much importance to this, and then completely forgot about it. Plus, they just lagged behind you. But, on the other hand, there is a high probability that you have stuck to someone else (oh). In every sense of the word. And then they can drop their anchor there too: carry things. After all, the phrase "family marina" is derived from the word "stick". Remember:

If the family does not pester you, one day, it may end up changing the “family haven”

- Secondly, as such, there are practically no disputes about sex. That is, men and women, more often than not, simply express their position on the conduct of an intimate life several times, or even in general, they simply hint at something. As a result, there is no formal dispute, but also sexual harmony. The following principle applies here:

The absence of a dispute is not always a sign of a compromise

If everything is clear, let's move on.

Nuance of sexual disharmony №2. In the field of sex, there is no forgiveness and understanding of the partner. Let's say someone from a couple wants some kind of sex (oral, anal, watching erotic films, role-playing games, using sex toys, etc.), and the partner refuses it, referring to some there are circumstances, expresses a certain different position. In this case, the one who refuses, completely in vain counts on understanding and forgiveness: in this area, he certainly will not be! The fact is that the basic instinct is not for nothing called the basic one: it is dominated by pure egoism. If a person wants something, he will definitely strive to get it. Moreover, at any cost. Not from a spouse, but from someone else. And here the next nuance comes into play.

Nuance of sexual disharmony №3. In the field of sex, quantity will never replace quality, and quality will never replace quantity. The most intimately active "half" will want to get absolutely everything. Let's say that one of the couple (as in one of the letters) wants some specific type of intimacy. The partner is against this type of sex, tries to replace it with another, to make sex more often. I will say right away: this is a naive and empty idea. In the field of intimacy, the principle of interchangeability of types of sex does not work. Replacing one thing with another, if you refuse what is specifically asked, will not work: negative emotions still remain. And if so, then the disharmony remains.

I hope that now you fully understand what is intimate disharmony in family relationships, you can try on these signs and nuances for your own family situation. I wish you that the divorce does not overtake you due to intimate disharmony.

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