In Bed You Act Like A Victim

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Burkova Elena Viktorovna Psychologist,

Clinical psychologist CBT - Chelyabinsk

Recently I watched the recognition of the Honored Artist of the RSFSR Elena Proklova in the "Secret for a Million" program about how, from the age of 15, she was sexually harassed by her partner in the film "Burn, Burn, My Star".

Elena did not give the name of this person, but from the description it became clear that we are talking about Oleg Tabakov.

Journalists and video bloggers began to exaggerate this news. The audience was divided into 2 camps: sympathizing and condemning.

Among my clients there are many who have been sexually or physically abused, either in childhood or as adults. And to me personally, what Elena Proklova was talking about responded very much. She accurately described how a woman feels at the moment of harassment and violence from a man, and how this is reflected in her later life and relationships.

Most often, there is distrust in men, and in the world as a whole, attachment and the ability to healthy manifestation of their sexuality are blocked.

Elena found the courage to share the difficulties she experienced in sexual relations with her partners. In moments of intimacy, according to the actress, she felt stiffness, she wanted to squeeze her legs, close her chest, because the man's touches made her numb.

Andrei Trishin, Elena's third husband, once told her that in bed she behaves like a victim. These are hurtful words, but at the same time, they very accurately reflect the experiences and sexual behavior of most women who have been subjected to violence.

In sex, the behavior of such women differs from the behavior of women with untrained sexuality. In life together with a man, they extremely rarely show initiative, are more often passive, they do not have a desire to kiss and caress a man, during sex such a woman experiences a mixture of pleasure and disgust - physical pleasure achieved mechanically, and disgust that sexual intercourse is always they associate with violence, humiliation. Elena says that sex is associated for her with personal humiliation. This would never occur to a woman who has not experienced the trauma of violence.

Over time, a reflex is fixed: the feeling of being humiliated, raped in sex as a condition for the onset of orgasm. And it also happens that a woman completely loses the ability to experience sexual desire and orgasm, she may develop coitophobia, vaginismus, menstrual irregularities and other somatic disorders.

Psychotherapy and working with a sexologist would help you return to a fulfilling relationship filled with joy, not fear. However, many women to this day simply endure, believing that it is already impossible to change anything. Many are ashamed to talk about their problem, believing that they will be mistaken for inferior or will be attributed to non-traditional orientation, condemn, harass, speculate on their story "in the smoking room."

This is because there is no experience of acceptance and trusting relationships in their lives.

It is significant how Elena Proklova's mother reacted when she tried to tell what made her feel bad. She simply began to deny her experiences, mistaking them for acting, and did not even want to listen. This despite the fact that her teenage daughter was alone on the set in another city among adult sophisticated men! After the interview, Elena began to be condemned by some of her colleagues.

That is why it is difficult for a person to admit what is happening or happened to him.

The condemnation of Elena by other women also says a lot. First of all, about denying your own feelings. For example, one of her colleagues said something like the following: "I was molested too. So what? This is part of our profession. To become popular, talent is not enough."

In these words, there is a denial of his rejection of such a position, his own inner pain, humiliation … Cynicism as overcompensation comes to the fore.

This attitude also speaks of a lack of compassion for your inner child.

Elena Proklova, looking from the height of her past years at that 15-year-old girl, sobs and speaks of her regret that then she could not resist the molester.

With compassion for your inner child, respect for your personality arises.

What Elena was saying led me to believe that she had been working through her trauma with a psychologist for some time, but the work had not yet been completed, since the history of the past continues to greatly aggravate her mental wounds.