Special Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"Special Relationship" (Excerpts from the book "The World of Narcissistic Victim" by Anastasia Dolganova)

“The narcissistic victim claims a special relationship - she lacks the usual. She needs to feed her exclusivity, as her narcissism demands.

She is not comfortable with being just a friend, just a wife, just a client. She builds a bond with people in which she can feel confident and avoid the emptiness that haunts her. This is captivating: in the desire to become special, the victim is capable of actions that are atypical for other people.

Come to a stranger in the hospital with chicken broth. Give an expensive gift. In the middle of the night, respond to the call of a drunk friend to transport him to another club and, as a result, talk until morning in a parked car about eternity and about someone else's pain. It’s amazing, it’s like I’ve met the one I’ve been looking for all my life.

The narcissistic victim draws closer to people rapidly, feeling the thinnest edges, satisfying the most important needs of the other, in order to definitely become Special.

Moreover, the victim knows how to behave in a way that allows other people and themselves to feel chosen and special. She listens a lot. Notices a lot. Gives support. It does not require space and time for itself, allowing the partner to behave the way he himself wants.

This narcissistic bloat makes the other person choose her company over others and feeds the victim herself with a sense of being chosen.

!! The victim does not fully understand what exactly she is doing and why. She seems to freeze in the presence of another person, by default giving him more space than she leaves for herself. This is her deepest defense against rejection: to freeze, not manifest, do everything to please another person and not experience pain. Her mimicry requires a lot of energy from her, but since their waste is habitual, this outflow remains unnoticed. A special relationship is the victim's insurance against feelings of rejection, although in reality rejection is part of everyday life. We reject some of the needs of other people, some of their feelings that we cannot stand, plans, character traits. They do the same with us. It's okay not to accept the other person unconditionally, and it's okay when the other doesn't accept us.

!! The ability to withstand rejection and not break down can lead to a healthier relationship experience than trying to build a connection in which rejection does not exist.

!! In a healthy relationship, not being able to get exactly what we need from our partner does not lead to destruction. There are many ways to deal with rejection: - the need can be postponed or reduced to the level of what a partner can now give us, - you can take care of yourself, - you can get what you want from another source, - you can give up the need through grief and adaptation …

!! This is important: our partner is not a source of unconditional satisfaction. The impossibility of rejection in a relationship also makes acceptance impossible: one who has a suppressed inner life is not capable of fully realizing all of his impulses. A person with repressed rejection energy (or aggression) feels empty and out of interest. He can only pretend to be supportive, but since this support is not fueled by real impulses, it will not bring satisfaction to the victim. She does not need a game, but real feelings and impulses, but they are either possible in their entirety or impossible at all.

!! The victim, by her demands, jeweleryly repeats her own situation, when she could not be herself, but was interested only in some of her manifestations, only in the role or function that she performed. The victim with his trauma traumatizes in a way known to her: by requiring the partner not to be herself, not accepting him, she inflicts or aggravates the narcissistic trauma and turns on the defense mechanisms from which she actually runs. Therefore, Decreasing the Importance of the other and developing a behavioral repertoire in exactly how to deal with one's desires heals both partners and the relationship as a whole. Learning to cope with your desires is not easy and often begins with mourning."