Special Relationship: Alien Diaries

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Once, while discussing one of my stories, I read a compliment from my friend on Facebook: “Well, patience! I couldn't do that …”. I then replied that the task of the psychologist is not to point out to the client what (in the opinion of others) he does not see, but to achieve that, having recognized and accepting the reality of the situation, he takes responsibility for it. And I think she added that the most difficult client is a psychologist.

I often hear about patience: in conversations, at a reception, in the comments. In the terminology of the car owner, such a quality as the patience of a psychologist is not an option, but "basic equipment". This is not something to be proud of. Rather, one should be surprised if the specialist does not have one.

There is such a wonderful American TV series about psychotherapists - "Patients" with Gabriel Byrne in the title role. This is a purchased format, its first version was invented in Israel. In Russia, they filmed their own version - under the name "Without witnesses", with Ksenia Kutepova as a psychotherapist.

The idea of the series: one day of the week - one client. From day to day, or rather, from session to session, demonstrate how the therapy is going. During one season, we are talking about a certain set of clients. About the pilot who killed people. About a couple who came with a question about whether they should keep the child or not. About a client who has fallen in love with her therapist (in the American version, where the therapist is played by a man, in the Russian version, a male client falls in love with a woman therapist). About a girl athlete who attempted a suicidal attempt out of love for her married coach. Four days a week the therapist sees his clients, on the fifth he goes to the appointment himself. And if before that for four days we watched the specialist's iron restraint, admiring his professionalism, then on Friday he sheds the mask and already becomes a difficult client himself, provoking his therapist in every possible way.

I highly recommend watching this series - and, in my opinion, the American version is better than the Russian one. In the Americans, we see one hundred percent "hit": the right types, stories, a fantastic actor in the role of the main character. But the Russian version looks a little far-fetched, unrealistic: our clients do not behave like that during consultations. Our people are more restrained, and psychotherapists are somewhat different. The series is well filmed and the actors are wonderful, but, in my understanding, Ksenia Kutepova is not convincing in the role of a psychologist, sometimes “gaining” the necessary expressiveness by wringing her hands or excessive restraint. I see uncertainty in her eyes all the time! In Russian reality, this is an unacceptable weakness for a psychotherapist. It is interesting that the heroine Kutepova makes clear projective claims to her own psychologist: she accuses him of coldness, inhumanity, lack of empathy … If you are going to look, you will figure it out yourself! Now I want to see the Israeli version.

The session at which the psychologist accepts the psychologist is the most difficult. Here, simple patience is already lacking. You need the patience of an advanced class, "with an asterisk." Because in such a consultation, the initiate receives the initiate. And it takes time to overcome the aggression, you have to withstand all the negative that the psychologist has accumulated in a week of work. After all, only having thrown off this load, he will be ready to accept further. Because helping a client is a very serious responsibility. Your every word is the result of thoughtful work and it should have weight. The hardest part is getting over control. The client psychologist often tries to control the process, monitors the work of his supervisor, and often tries to switch places with him! This is especially true of young, insecure, inexperienced specialists who come to an appointment with beautiful terminology, with a lot of ready-made cliches. They often flaunt it. And if you start talking to them in human language, they correct them, taking them into the field of professional language, while looking down a little. In such cases, I try my best to contain myself and not burst out laughing. Because it's very cute: they are like children reading syllables. But why embarrass such a child and hurt him?

Supervision is considered to be the most expensive consultation. Ha ha! Yes, that is how it should be. But, knowing the specifics of remuneration for the work of some psychologists, especially in government agencies, we deliberately do not comply with these rules and regulations.

So supervision. In fact, we have already parted with this girl: the work was successful, but far from easy. We finished a long course of therapy six months ago, but from time to time she turns to me for professional support.

The consultation is sudden, unplanned: "urgently, urgently, I really need it." As soon as I open the office door, and already by her gait, I can determine the degree of aggression and tension that will have to be overcome before we get to the point. I don't know yet what I will be accused of today.

- You have exhausted yourself! I am thinking about changing the psychotherapist.

Oops! This is "old-new". Because we already had this. Just in case, I don't pay attention.

- Well, that is, as a supervisor, I will still contact you. But now I'm looking for another specialist.

- Good.

- Can you hear me? You don't suit me!

- Marina, you came to tell me about it for your money, urgently scheduling a consultation? OK. We have already finished therapy. So … Okay, I don't suit you.

- I read your story about the script. I wrote my own. It doesn’t suit me … for me to do … It turned out to be a complete nightmare! Tell you?

- Thank you for reading!

- I'll tell you all the same!

What follows is a story with a tragic ending.

- Do I understand correctly that it was I, as your psychotherapist, who brought you to such a sad outcome? Do you want me to feel guilty?

- Lord, what am I talking about! Yes, I … Do you think why I pounced on you again?

- Can we already start supervision and talk about those cases from practice, in which you and I should sort it out?

- Do not rush me, you see, I approach them. It's complicated…

- Just tell me.

- Do you remember how we analyzed group work with sixth graders? The class is closed to me. At first they seemed to accept me with open arms. And then something went wrong. And how I didn’t try to get feedback from them, to find out what happened there, everything was incomprehensible.

There is such a page in the social network "Vkontakte" called "Overheard". They are all registered there! I went under someone else's nickname and read what they write. God, there is one boy just going to have sex !! And he wrote about some very close relationship with a girl in this class.

- Have you read and …?

- Here the class teacher told me that this boy's mother wants to meet with me "on issues not related to education." During the consultation, my mother told me that she began to notice her son's excessive activity in … um … gender issues. And that she doesn't know what to do with it and how to be. It bothers her that the boy is too interested in relationships with girls. Their physiological side … Do not be silent, say something!

- Continue.

- You see, she tells me this, and everything that I read about her son pops up in my head. And it bothered me. At the same time, I have some information in my hands. I don't know what to do with her.

- What do you feel?

- Powerlessness. Anger. Shame. Feeling of own incompetence.

- Is it a shame that you read the revelations to which you were not initiated?

- Yes, but not for the sake of curiosity !! I wanted to find the key to the children. Get closer to working with this class …

- And the key was too heavy. Do you now possess a secret that tears you from the inside?

- I don't know why I'm angry. Why do I have such ambivalent feelings …

- You experience contradictory feelings because you yourself once found yourself in the same situation. When in the eighth grade they started a diary in which they wrote down their sexual fantasies: they also wanted to look like a "bomb", "a little thing", a "bitch" in them. You were a little, insecure girl …

- Yes, and then my mother found this diary. I read it. I was horrified. But she didn't say anything. And I ran away from home. For three days she staggered, anywhere. And then she slept with a guy. Stupid. Not good. Without feelings. It's humiliating. Then my brother found me and asked me to return home.

- I remember you told that your mother did not reproach you for anything, did not ask about anything.

- Yes. But she didn't know what happened to me. When we worked with you, my feelings for my mother were revealed - anger, guilt, shame, pity, gratitude. And only then, just a year ago, I told her what happened in those days. She put me on my knees, stroked my head and said: “Girl, everything in life happens. If I did something wrong, please forgive me."

- I remember. It was a real breakthrough for you in your relationship with your mother.

- Yes it is. But I still know: she did the wrong thing, she shouldn't have read my diary. If she hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have had such a bad first experience. My life could have turned out differently.

- Why did you return to this story with the diary in your work with sixth graders? Because you yourself have read someone else's diary?

- Yes. But I'm not out of spite …

- That's right, your mom - too. She, too, is not out of spite. She did not have a daughter before. She didn't know how to raise her: read the diary or not. And she crossed the boundaries.

You also want to help these children. You, too, are afraid that something will turn out. We did the same. And now in two positions: this boy, who does not want to be looked at under a false name, and his mother, who wants to protect you from possible trouble.

- This is true. I don't know which position is more correct.

- I think not that, not the other. You need the position of a psychologist. Work only with the information that you have been given. Of course, it is tempting to know more about a person than they say about themselves. But this is too dangerous and painful. You pay for it with such discomfort.

- But I knew nothing about children! They were closed to me!

- So they would have remained closed.

- What if something happened?

“Then something would have happened. And we would have had supervision on a different topic. Understand, Marina, you are not the Lord God. And even He is not responsible for us - only we ourselves.

- Do you think I don't need to go to this page anymore?

- It is important for me what decision you make.

- Tell me, damn it, what do you think ?!

- I don't think so.

- And what about my case?

- You are already big. Now you can understand not only yourself, but also your mother. She has already forgiven herself, I hope. It remains for you, having forgiven your mother, to forgive yourself.

- Yes, but what to do with these children?

- You are twenty-four years old! If you come to class and start talking to them on the topic of gender relations, only arouse unnecessary interest. Such questions should be left to the family. Specifically, in the case of this boy, dad or any other man who is involved in raising him should talk to him.

- But my mother turned to me ….

- You have to redirect mom.

- You cannot imagine how the children are "rocked" on this topic!

- Okay, contact the school administration. Inquire at a center that provides adolescent sexuality education. Find specialists. Invite them to the parents of the children. And the way they will teach parents to talk to their children about such delicate things.

If the parents allow and want this, the specialists can talk with the children. But there is an important point: the parents of all children must give permission, otherwise such a conversation cannot be held with any of the students. After all, if only some of the parents give their consent and only some of the children attend such an event, then they will retell what they have heard to everyone else in the class. And this is wrong. These conditions will definitely need to be explained to the parents.

- The only way?

-The only way.

- What if I want to engage in sex education for teenagers? I'm interested.

- Go to courses, study, get a certificate and work permit. Then do it. Not now.

- You, as always, are so cruel. Although … right.

Then we, as usual, drank tea, talked about trifles and then said goodbye.

Do you know why this girl came? To swear with me? To accuse me of being cruel and incompetent? No. She came to protect the boy. She came so as not to harm the children with whom she works. So that her personal history does not interfere with adequately perceiving a difficult situation. That's why she came, not sparing money from her very modest salary.