2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A friend / friend or partner sometimes ignores and shows complete indifference, then leaves, then returns, very close to you. And most importantly, a person has one answer to all questions: “I am such a person, accept me as such!”. Are you familiar with this situation
Why is this happening? As a rule, this behavior is characteristic of counterdependent and narcissistically equipped individuals (with narcissistic trauma). From professional experience, some people admit, far from the first consultations, how wrong and unfinished they feel, and therefore cannot respond to messages for several days (but this is completely unrelated to a partner or friend).
The situation may also be associated with counterdependence - a person, being in a state of lack of internal resources, is used to being alone, relations cause tension in him (it is easier to work than to build relationships with a partner). The more he gets closer to someone, the more he gets scared (fetters the fear of absorption, merger, loss of his independence). In the zone of building boundaries and expressing their opinions, such people have frequent failures, they do not fully realize their values, in principle, they do not understand what is good and bad in the world. Perhaps in the past they often found themselves in situations where they were manipulated, respectively, now because of what they have experienced there is a fear of trust (“If I trust, they will do anything with me!” - this is how the whole situation is experienced).
In 99% of cases, other people do all painful actions towards you solely because of their pain. Notice that sometimes you hurt others because of your resentment (perhaps the person touched your injury, and you expose thorns in response, like a porcupine). They do the same with you. Understand that the contact is not cut off because something is wrong with you, the problem is in the partner. It is very important to understand this moment once and for all, then it will be easier for you to decide whether to accept a person as he is, or to put an end to the relationship.
Every disconnection is painful. How to deal with this? Admit it to yourself and learn to deal with pain. If the pain is strong enough and turns into suffering, it is due to your attachment trauma. Work through childhood deep traumas, when you were thrown, treated indifferently, ignored (especially objects of affection - mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather); cry out all the painful situations from childhood, and you can find an inner resource that will help you get through the present situation. You will learn to clearly understand and feel that something has happened to the person, and there is no fault of yours - with this understanding, it will be much easier for you not to break off the connection completely (especially if this is not beneficial and not convenient for you, or, in principle, you do not want to break off the contact - for example, this is mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather, sisters, brothers, uncles and aunts) and not suffer because of the situation.
Make a choice for yourself - are you ready in all other cases to put up with a similar situation if it will last throughout your life (if the person does not change, and this often happens). The longer you wait for a person to change, the longer he will not change - here the theory of paradoxical changes works in a paradoxical way. Once you honestly and sincerely accept the situation as it is, everything will change; and vice versa - all attempts to change the situation and the person will not lead to anything. So, are you ready to be in a relationship with this person? How much are you willing to be in a relationship with this person? To answer the question, if you still want to keep in touch, personal gain can help you - for example, you are pleased to be around, and these moments outweigh all the troubles; you share some special value together (and this moment is so important to you that you are willing to endure periods of frustration in order to then get satisfaction from the separation of interests and values).
What is the cost of disruptions, and how high is it for you? Consider your answer carefully and make a decision. It is very important here to have a choice (to break off the relationship or not do it because of what is valuable to you), otherwise you will suffer and rush, realizing that you cannot leave and are dependent on the person. Work through your attachment injuries so you can make free choices and not depend on anyone. Relatively speaking, to the point that today you decided not to communicate, and tomorrow you rethought everything, then talked for a while, and again everything changed. There is always a choice, at any moment, but only when you are working through your dependent part.
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