2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
". … … And it is better to be alone than with just anyone "- Omar Khayyam
How do you like this thought? I like her. And at the same time, I got an idea that complements this phrase and expands its meaning. It consists in changing just one word:
It is better to be alone than together HOWEVER
How do you like this wording? It seems to me that “how” affects a much wider range of variations: both people can be good (in the general sense of the word), but when united, weaken from the inability to build degrees of closeness and distance.
In this article I want to consider those situations in which love brings pain, those examples where this "how" is arranged, rather destructive for the couple, rather than constructive.
YES LOVE IS A PAIN … BUT ONLY WHEN SHE IS BLIND
It will be about * falling in love, since all the manifestations described below can hardly be attributed to * mature love.
Falling in love is also often referred to as "blind love." And this one "blindness" just does not allow genuine contact, in which a person sees the other as he is, and not as he is comfortable or wants to be seen. By the way, perhaps this is the key difference between * mature love and * falling in love!
What does the blind desire to constantly nourish the state of being in love lead to, or “to love hurts when. …. :
1. Love hurts when unresolved problems accumulate
Obviously, there will be points of conflict. Usually, lovers strive to be similar in everything, extremely avoid differences. Thus, the complexities close their eyes, and these unresolved issues begin to destroy the relationship from the inside.
2. Loving hurts when addiction occurs (codependency)
The lover does not see his life without the other. Almost literally: he does not exist without a partner and sometimes defines himself through him (“I'm good, just because he / she praised me”). Most of his autonomous interests are suppressed - almost everything that is different from the interests of his partner. Anything that the partner does not like and / or becomes a risk of breaking the "harmonious" fusion is discarded.
3. Loving hurts when the personalities of the partners do not develop separately
And the state of stagnation does not last for a long time, which means that in such a "tie" they begin to slowly and not always noticeably, but confidently fade, degrade emotionally (as individuals). And when both do not develop (or at least one), what feeling arises systematically? Yes, boredom. Partners or one partner gets bored together.
4. It hurts to love when the image of oneself and another is distorted
Often the images are very polar: either an ideal without flaws, or "the devil in the flesh." And these images alternately change - there is no middle adequate perception separately of the other and separately of their feelings for this other (after all, the other here is a part of me, and I am a part of him).
5. Loving hurts when confusion arises, where is "mine" and where is "yours."
It is not clear what belongs to whom, difficulties in everyday life, confusion in desires ("we want" instead of "I want"), shared responsibility (personal responsibility is shared in half with a partner, as a result of which no one in a pair, in fact, holds it), feelings (one begins to experience the same experiences as the other, in the inability to separate his own from others).
6. Loving hurts when there is no living energy in the relationship
Although this is more likely not pain, but simply boredom, which I wrote about above. Relationships are preserved. Some people like the following example of “perfect love”: “Grandparents walk by the hand in old age. And they walked like that all their lives."
In fact, more often than not, there is nothing in such a relationship. Moreover, sometimes such couples have a vowel or unspoken rule: "One step to the right, one step to the left - shooting!" Otherwise, their hands would at least sometimes, but part.
These are people who really just "did not let go" of each other (it seems, even physically). But in order for the relationship to live, and not exist, they need new fresh emotional, intellectual and other food, which each partner can bring, only "having been free."
It's funny that the last phrase is so similar to the speech about the prison. And I think that is the way it is - such a tied hand and foot relationship is an emotional prison.
7. Loving hurts when there is a desire to take from a relationship more than they can give
If a person cannot satisfy some important needs in another place, he will strive to compensate for everything where he can - in the existing relationship (which actually limits him). But people are multi-need (they have many different needs). And the relationship cannot satisfy all the needs of each partner, just as there is no and no one will have ideal all compensating parents (thank God, otherwise there would be no desire to develop and separate), just as the world will not become equally fair to everyone (eh, and that would be nice).
8. It hurts to love when fear and / or guilt appears or intensifies for contacts with the world outside the couple, and such desires and attempts of the partner are denied and angered
At the same time, in such a situation, anger arises at the “binding me” partner (“because of him I…”, “for him I…” - and sometimes the partner does not need it). There is suspicion, envy, excessive jealousy and, in the end, "quiet bitterness" from the inability to live a full emotional life.
In fact, all described examples signal codependent relationships, where both suffer, but cannot be without each other.
In my opinion, the ideal example of such a relationship and its consequences is demonstrated in TV series "Motel Bates"
There are many options for how to be together, and everyone chooses their own. As for me, the most important thing is that this choice should be made consciously, and not be a “choice without choice”. That's why finding a partner and experiencing falling in love is only part of the performance of love … And that is why I pose the question "how" and not the question "with whom." Again:
"It is better to be alone than together HOWEVER"
IS IT POSSIBLE IN ANOTHER? CAN
In order to be less likely to "get hooked on love", it is worth paying attention to a number of factors. There are quite a few of them, and they deserve special attention, so I will talk more about this topic in my next articles.
In the meantime, if you have feedback, questions, wishes, you can write in the comments or sign up for a session if you want to talk about your relationship and your love!)
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