I Could Not Fall In Love With A Child: REASONS

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

This is the second article in a series devoted to the problem of maternal non-love. Since you are reading this article, YOU are a strong person who decided to face the problem and change your life and the life of your children for the better.

Reasons why a mom does not love her child

1 Maternal antiscript Her mother (or many women in the family) put herself on the altar of motherhood, completely “slaughtering” herself. I cooked, cleaned, ironed, took to the garden. Everything would be fine, but in such everyday hard labor, she unconsciously broadcast to the child “How bad I am, how difficult it is for me. Look at what I have to go to as a mother. The mother took the position of the victim. The victim cannot love himself, what can we say about loved ones

Emotional love was replaced by consumer services. Not every daughter wants to repeat this unnecessary sacrifice path. The woman concludes "to be a mother means to suffer." And if a child does happen, then the woman simply has no other example in experience. And she also starts plowing, getting tired and turning off emotions. It also replaces emotional connection with consumer services.

2 I was already a parent as a child This is called parentification. She already performed the functions of a mother, for example, for her younger brother. For example, she was forced to wash, clean, feed, put to bed, take and pick up from school after him. If she was left with the younger one and something happened, she flew in.

Or she was a mother to her mother, or to both parents. For example, a mother is a helpless and infantile, insecure woman. My daughter helps her buy clothes, negotiates with housing and communal services, helps to distribute expenses, pays her loans. Or defends against attacks from a father or a string of fans. It is difficult for such children to build relationships later. It is also difficult to love your children, because they did not have a childhood and they were not filled with the necessary amount of love, support from their parents. Such people may be irritated by people who are idly spending time. People who, in their opinion, behave like children.

3 I hate my mother! Resentment, coldness, hatred of the mother - these are the child's expectations that were not met. Expectations of love, support, acceptance, healthy authority. Fair desire. And at the same time, it is no longer feasible.

Also, these negative emotions can hide: disappointment, a feeling of betrayal, rejection, injustice, worthlessness, humiliation, etc.

In such a situation, emotional energy is directed towards maintaining these emotions. For a kind of revenge for this pain. In fact, you are tied with ropes to the mother you run from and whom you hate. This is exactly the energy, the connection that needs to be transformed and returned to yourself. I am not calling for Christian masochistic forgiveness. "Forgive your mom" - repeat at least a hundred times a day, it is difficult to get rid of an aggressive attitude towards mom without the help of a specialist. Reason in this matter is a useless assistant. Since hatred was born through feelings and it needs to leave through feelings. 4 Being a woman is bad! Motherhood and the relationship with children are part of the broader concept of “woman”. In the process of her development, a girl can get the attitude that being a woman is bad. The concept of "bad" can be understood as: woman = weak, woman = beautiful piece of meat, woman = hysterical, woman = stupid and others. Then she "puts" in a dark closet and some feminine manifestations. Including motherhood, which is associated with the expression of emotions, empathy, gentleness. 5 I want to be a man! It may follow from the previous one: since feminine manifestations are bad, I will try to develop masculine qualities in myself.

There are other reasons as well. Parents loved their brother more. Or they wanted a boy, but a girl was born, about which she was repeatedly told. Here the influence of the "culture of violence" over women, which permeates society, can be overlaid, which also does not contribute to the desire to be weak, driven, defenseless.

These women are trying to do good by the leading trainings of femininity with advice "how to become a full-fledged woman and build relationships." The presenter declares: “I am a guru who knows exactly how you can become feminine and learn how to live with the creation of a“man”. And he teaches what kind of skirt to wear, what and how to say, in what positions to sigh languidly.

But the fundamental reason remains unresolved. The woman "breaks herself", she seems to do everything according to the instructions, "as the guru ordered." And even it comes to children. But things are still there. 6 A woman is in a situation of domestic violence A woman may not be aware of this. Violence includes ridicule, underestimation of the role and significance of an individual, control, manipulation, insults, blackmail, physical and sexual abuse.

In such conditions, often veiled, a woman experiences emotions of anxiety, helplessness, guilt, suppresses aggression not expressed towards her spouse, suffers from chronic diseases. What kind of love for children is there! The body spends all resources on the internal state of a woman. This state leads to the fact that the entire internal mix of emotions splashes out on children in the form of screaming, irritation, rejection. 7 I'm from an orphanage. Or was I raised by my grandmother The common thing in these cases is that the first years of life were practically without a mother. The mother could have different reasons (she herself grew up without parents, or she had to work hard to feed the baby and others). As a result, the child does not receive the necessary emotions and subsequently himself cannot experience them and love his children. Is it possible to drink from an empty vessel? 8 Love = loss of freedom Some women are afraid of love. For them, to love is like being deprived of freedom. And the child will love her, will strive for her, you will not run away from him. A woman may be afraid that this childish love will strangle her. And runs away from the child. This does not mean that she does not love him. She is afraid of this strong feeling, because she once received the experience: to get closer, to open up means to be wounded in the very heart, or to be strangled by overprotective parents. I'd rather not get close at all. This is called avoidant behavior. 9 Don't live! Don't feel it! Women who received such messages from their parents. For example, they were unwanted children or of the wrong gender, appearance. Or parents tried to make a "showcase" of the right child out of them or to tailor them to their expectations. In such cases, the true feelings and problems of the child did not bother them much, and the feelings were depreciated: "I found something to cry about!", "Four again?"

With the "don't live" attitude, a grown woman, without realizing, often suffers from various addictions, leads a self-destructive lifestyle. At the same time, he can reach social heights, trying to justify the right to exist in this world. There may not be an emotional resource for a child.

When setting “don't feel”, the woman turns off feelings or does not understand them. Hence the difficulty in establishing an emotional connection with the child. Namely, this emotional component is needed in the first place. 10 I urgently need a child! A woman persistently strives to give birth to a child, believing that this is her happiness. All thoughts are only about this. Manipulations, blackmail, deception, "marrying the first comer" can be used. When, finally, the child happens, then she feels anything for him, but not love. Why? Because as a child, she tries to solve her problems, to fill the inner wells of emotional holes. And the child is like an application, a function. 11 It was time to give birth It's easy for us to say: you yourself are responsible for your life, if you don't want to, don't give birth. The reality is not so perfect. The woman is under tremendous public pressure on the subject of having children. And it is not surprising that sooner or later, she gives up so that they can get off. Even if her path of realization is different, and she does not want children. There will be a separate article about this, in which we will discuss how to react when everyone around is already bothered with the question "well, when will you give birth?" In this case, the child is perceived as a duty and a burden. 12 Violence in childhood or adolescence In such cases, the woman's psyche is split in order to survive. A girl who has been subjected to violence experiences an intolerable feeling of guilt, shame, feels dirty, bad (if only the rapists felt the same, you see, the violence would be less). So that the girl does not go crazy or lay hands on herself, the psyche resorts to a protective mechanism and "turns off" the feeling part. However, along with the bad feelings, the good ones turn off. The ability to love can also be turned off. 13 Wanted to tie a man If a woman intentionally gave birth to a child in order to keep or marry a man, but did not get the desired result. In this case, her children are victims of the circumstances and mistakes of adults. The child is emotionally rejected as wasted time, health, best years. 14 I hate the child's father Often, dislike for a child begins with disappointment in his father. The mother sees the habits, gestures and character traits of the "unloved" in her child. This is annoying. And the woman is tormented by the inability to love her child, realizing that he is not to blame for anything. 15 you are at the wrong time Unplanned pregnancy. According to statistics, a third of pregnancies are unwanted. Conception may not coincide with the wishes of the mother, especially if she is still studying at the institute, is actively building a career, or a new life arose in her immediately after parting with her biological father. Or she had to get married "on the fly." Unconsciously, a woman sees in a child the cause of all her troubles, and although she herself understands the absurdity of her accusations, she cannot cope with them.

The psychological immaturity of a woman. From a medical point of view, there is an ideal age when a woman can conceive, carry and give birth to a child. But if you think from the standpoint of psychology, this age does not exist. It is impossible to say unequivocally when a particular woman will be ready to procreate, when she will be disposed not only to receive love, but also to give it in return. 16 I live with my husband because of the children Under the influence of internal fears (fear of being left alone, fear of independence, fear of condemnation by loved ones, and others) or under the pressure of social stereotypes, a woman maintains a relationship so that there is a complete family, and the child has a father. Such unions do not bring happiness. And children are the first to suffer.

Resentment, anger ripens inside, and rejection, irritation goes to the child. "How great it would be if you weren't there at all!" - no, no, yes, it will flash through my head. And the children read it all.

If you dig deeper, it turns out that not because of the children. There will be other personal reasons. However, a woman perceives children as a reason to stay with an unloved person. He also begins to mentally reject children, hate, get annoyed, seeing them as the culprits of the situation.

17 Daughter as a trigger The daughter grows, becomes a girl, young guys pay attention to her. This can be painfully experienced by the mother: the feeling of being old, that life has passed, is not needed. Especially if the mother did not work out with her husband or men, and did not realize herself in society.

Mom can be jealous of her daughter and the opportunities that she has. In previous generations, women worked and endured, there was a shortage of goods and knowledge. Now girls can breathe more freely, as well as enjoy the benefits of civilization, have access to information.

This includes the mother's unconscious jealousy of her daughter if the father loves her daughter more. Such a situation may arise if the relationship between mom and dad did not work out, then the father directs his unspent love to his daughter so as not to cheat on his wife.(We will not consider cases of pedophilia within the framework of this article). 18 Postpartum Depression Dragged On Sometimes a lack of maternal feelings for a baby can be a natural, temporary reaction. This happens when a newly-made mother experiences all the delights of postpartum depression. Being depressed and not receiving help from loved ones in caring for a baby, she may feel irritated towards a defenseless child. But as soon as the woman comes to her senses (this usually happens within a few weeks), the problem itself will be removed from the agenda. But if the depression drags on and the woman, while self-flagelling, reverses the cause and effect - “I don’t love my child, because it’s very hard for me now,” the situation will take on a stable negative connotation.

Instead of a resume

The good news is that psychology allows us to work through these problems. Not loving a child is a kind of tip of the iceberg. The part of it hidden under water affects not only relationships with children. But also on the attitude towards oneself, successful self-realization, constructive building of relations.

If we reduce all the factors to short theses, we can briefly outline the following Causes:

- psychological trauma of development

- violence

- public pressure or stereotypes

- manipulation by a woman

- family scenarios

- psychological immaturity of a woman

- internal fears We cannot change the past. But we can influence the present and the future. Yours and your children

In the next article, I will cover some of the problem-solving strategies. There will be several of them and they will be of a general nature. Why? Since every woman's story is different, the do-one-two-three tips won't help.

If you have something to share your pain, thoughts - feel free to write to me. You will not meet condemnation and censure.