2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
How often in life we come across people who find it difficult to talk about their feelings. What can I say, even identifying them can be difficult.
- "What do I feel now?"
- "What is happening to me at the moment?"
The answers to these questions may not be obvious to many and may even be confusing.
Contact with feelings is laid in childhood, and during this period it is very important that parents listen to their child, to what he feels. It is necessary to create a solid foundation for the development of the sensory sphere.
● For example, a child has fallen down, bruised his knee and is crying. It hurts him. In this situation, the child can hear from adults:
"Well, why are you crying? You didn’t hit hard, it doesn’t hurt you that much. Let's get up quickly and calm down."
It does not matter if the child is experiencing severe pain or not, he physically experiences it anyway. At this point, it is important that the significant adult joins the child and speaks to him of his feelings:
“I can see that you are in pain. I understand that you are upset because of this. Anyone would be unpleasant in such a situation. I'm near, I'm with you, let's rub your knee now, it will pass faster."
In the case when the attachment does not occur, and the child hears that he is experiencing some "wrong" feelings, then contact with his body at this moment is lost. “I seem to feel that I am in pain, but an adult who is significant to me says that it is not so. It turns out that I have no right to experience this feeling now."
At this moment, the child has very mixed feelings about this, and it becomes difficult for him to understand his emotional experiences.
● Another example: the child sees that the mother is upset about something. Even if she does not show a strong emotional reaction when doing so. Inside, he still catches himself on the understanding that mom is now feeling bad. And at this moment it is important for him to compare his feelings. He approaches mom and asks a question:
“Mom, are you sad? Are you upset?"
Often parents do not want to disturb their children, this is an instinctive desire to protect them from "unnecessary" experiences. This is a normal and understandable endeavor. In this case, the child may hear in response:
“No, I'm not upset. Mom is fine. Go play in your room."
What happens then? The child internally senses that the mother is upset about something. At the same time, he receives feedback that everything is fine with mom. The child thinks: “So I feel wrong, because mom is always right. And if she says she is not upset, then she is."
An internal conflict of feelings occurs. Such contradictions can contribute to the fact that in adulthood, it will be difficult for a person to recognize their feelings and emotional states. It will also be difficult to "read" and understand other people's feelings.
On the other hand, you can give the child feedback that will help him understand that his feelings have a place to be, and they are true.
“How do you notice everything with me. I'm really a little upset about the phone call. I need a few minutes to recover. And I would feel much better if you hugged me now."
The child receives the information that his feelings are “correct”. He also understands that he can help another person cope with an unpleasant condition. The child begins to understand the importance of support. This is a valuable experience for him and a good help for empathic communication in the future.
● The child did not really eat anything at dinner and at the same time says:
"I'm full. Can I go?"
In response, you can often hear something like the following:
“No, you're not full. Look, you haven't eaten anything. You will now leave the table hungry."
Again, the parents' concern is natural, and the desire for the child to be full and full of energy is understandable. At the same time, the situation is deeper than it might seem at first glance.
It is worth noting that children have different periods: they can eat a lot on one day and often eat - this is normal. And on another day they may eat little - and this is also normal.
In childhood, the system of relationships with your body is well developed, and it is important not to break this contact. When we tell a child about his feeling of satiety: “No. You are hungry, you still need to eat,”we begin to break this connection. The kinesthetic channel begins to be suppressed.
A parent for a child is the most significant person. At an early age, children unconditionally trust what their parents tell them, which is why it is so important to choose the words that we voice to the child.
In the future, we may see such a loss of contact with ourselves, for example, in frequent overeating. A person cannot feel the state of saturation in time.
● The child and his mother go to the sauna to warm up after the pool. After a while, the child says:
"I'm warm, can I go out?"
An adult can answer:
“You are not yet warm. Let's sit for another 5 minutes, then you will warm up."
In this case, the child reads the information that his indicator of feelings is not working properly. What he internally feels does not match what the significant adult says.
Sketches of situations show how important it is from childhood to listen to what the child is feeling. It is important to allow him to express his feelings, and to allow those feelings to be different from our ideas of how it should be. Children need to establish contact with themselves, with their feelings, and adults can help them with this.
A developed sensory sphere will be the key to good contact with yourself and with the people around you.
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