2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Cerebral palsy, Down syndrome, autism, birth trauma, epilepsy and other diagnoses scare us, especially when it comes to children. For years, parents go to social and medical rehabilitation, specialized sanatoriums and schools. But positive dynamics do not happen as often as we would like. And it's not about the specialists and not about the quality of rehabilitation.
I had to observe an interesting reaction when I explained that under certain conditions a positive shift is possible, and in the case of epilepsy, the withdrawal of status - the parents rolled their eyes, waved them off, sometimes indignant “what are you talking about!”. And I was talking about the simplest and at the same time the most difficult.
Stop feeling sorry for the child, and with him and yourself, give up the struggle with the diagnosis and come to an inner agreement with him, and finally take care of yourself. Accepting the fate of a child, especially if it does not coincide with our dreams, is hard inner work, but it is she who is capable of moving something off the ground.
The motivation for recovery in children with disabilities or with a difficult diagnosis is directly related to the motivation of their parents.
When I asked teenagers: "Would he like to get better?" - the answer was sincere - "Why?"
Children quickly take advantage of their condition. Mom is attached to them for life, the family adjusts to the rhythm of treatment and medication.
Manipulation, capriciousness, despotism, heavy grumpy character aggravates and aggravates over the years. And it all started with parental pity, with a fantasy that a child's diagnosis was "my cross" or "my fault" or "as a punishment for something."
This attitude nurtures and nurtures the inner sacrifice of the adult, and often the responsibility is shifted to the disabled child. Personal life did not work out, dreams did not come true: “You see what kind of son / daughter I have? So what could I do?"
Without prying eyes, the child becomes a container of parental aggression, anger and, of course, sexual abuse. Victim and aggressor in such families alternate places. During rehabilitation, we often had conflicts. The child deliberately humiliated and insulted the mother, spat, swung at her. This was his only opportunity to "defend" his human dignity, and at home, his mother was already taking it out on him.
Much can be avoided. The child does not need parental pity, and even more so in mother's self-flagellation and her self-sacrifice. With all this, we humiliate the fate of the child, every day we send him a signal - you are worthless and sick, not like everyone else. All that you can cause in me is only pity. And in pity there is a "sting".
The child needs respect. When he feels respect for himself, for his condition, it is easier for him to come to terms with fate, to enter into agreement with it. This means that there is a chance for a resource, for the awakening of inner strength, for something new. For example, the desire and desire to improve the quality of their life, do exercises outside of rehabilitation, go to additional classes.
The child needs parental consent with his diagnosis. Parents rule out the child's disability, are ashamed of it, blame themselves, feel angry at the whole world, but do not recognize their feelings. All this places a heavy burden on the child, on his psycho-emotional state. When parents find the strength to accept everything as it is and come into agreement with the diagnosis, they release the child from feelings of guilt and difficult experiences. He has the strength and desire to discover the world, to learn something, to master something: a computer, language, handicrafts, poetry; go out to people, interact with them, make friends.
The child needs the parents to have their own life. Children do not need parental self-sacrifice, it is a burden for them and causes a lot of anger. Do you throw your fate on the sacrificial altar at the request of the baby? You yourself make this decision, you yourself put a thick fat cross on everything. When parents have interests, hobbies, the child also strives to learn, what is his talent? What is its value? How to build a meaningful, productive life to the best of your ability?
Such children do not come to the ancestral system just like that, they solve something with their fate, an invisible, unconscious process is going on. We are not able to stop or control it. Of course, for any parent, this is a harsh, often overwhelming ordeal. But is this a lesser test for the child himself?
Recommended:
The Perfect Sacrifice
When the so-called “Ideal Victims” come to me for consultation, all their stories look about the same. The characteristics of these stories are: apathy; hopelessness; common sense always loses out to the sensual irrational component, clients say:
Sacrifice. A Reward For Suffering. Who Is The Last In The Queue?
If I do something that costs me a lot of effort, if I practically tear myself away from myself, sacrifice something, then I expect something in return. If not gratitude from the person for whom I am trying so hard, then recognition from the world, God and the omnipotent universe.
The Role Of The Victim In A Domestic Violence Scenario. Victim Behavior. "Call Of The Sacrifice"
Let's agree right away - responsibility for the violence lies with the perpetrator. This is personal responsibility. It cannot be shared with anyone. But in the scenario of domestic violence, both are involved: the "rapist" is the one who commits the violence and the "
Vulnerability And Responsibility Part 2 (connection Between Sacrifice, Dependence And Lack Of Responsibility)
In the previous part, we briefly looked at how lack of responsibility and decision-making skills are correlated with mental retardation. That women, due to social upbringing, have more problems with these skills than men. Therefore, therapy in men is more often faster and easier.
Each Abuser Has A Victim! Do Abusers Always Pair Up With A Victim?
There is an opinion that the abuser only take the victims as a couple. In this article, I want to address the aspect of victim behavior of women who start a relationship with an abuser. What kind of victim is she? Many people think of it as some kind of junk that constantly cries, whines, gets cuffs, cries again and does nothing about it.
