The Perfect Sacrifice

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

When the so-called “Ideal Victims” come to me for consultation, all their stories look about the same. The characteristics of these stories are: apathy; hopelessness; common sense always loses out to the sensual irrational component, clients say: “I understand everything, but I can’t do anything with myself”; relationships go in a vicious circle in the form of a spiral that moves not up, but down, exhausting rather than enriching partners.

Here's an example of a typical Ideal Sacrifice story from my practice.

Hello, I have come to you as to consult, well, there is simply no one with whom. All close people are just tired of hearing about my problem. And I was completely confused. I'll start over.

I am 30 years old, I have a son. My husband is my pain! The first time I saw him, I simply fell head over heels in love and did not notice the strangeness of his behavior, justifying his not very worthy actions. After the birth of his son, he was changed or my eyes began to open. His mother joined in, constantly intervened in everything, turned her husband against me. And hell began. Humiliation, scandals, Constant threats that the son will be taken away. Unable to withstand such horror, I went to my parents in another city, but for a long time I could not live without him, and after a few months he returned me.

When I returned, everything returned to its place and after a few months, I left again. So in 5 years I left 3 times and always came back. Over the years, I became depressed, I stopped enjoying life, my hands began to shake. The desire to live has disappeared. Two years ago, I filed for divorce and became free according to documents, but not in my head. All this time he does not let me go, writes, blames me for destroying the family. It just doesn’t get out of my head. I feel bad without him. The feeling of guilt is constantly present, that I am wrong, that I am guilty. We have to communicate with him, since we have a common son. I have a split personality, one half wants a complete family, so that my son grows up with his father and I'm tired of being alone, and what is not enough to hide finances for two with a child. And the other half is in fear that I will return to this hell. Again humiliation and scandals. How to get rid of thoughts about him? What have I missed? My family will not survive if I return to him again! Tell me, is this addiction?

When you hear such a story at the first moment you feel completely paralyzed and you want to protect yourself from the feeling of helplessness with the phrase: "I do not give advice!" After all, any advice that the "Ideal Sacrifice" wants to receive, in order to finally make the final choice between the two options along which she moves in a vicious circle, will either be a repetition of what she already gave herself, or received from relatives or friends, or, even if the argument for one of the options under consideration is unique, it will only provide temporary relief. Over time, it will also be devalued and everything will start in a new circle.

Further, with such clients there is approximately the following dialogue, the outcome of which depends on whether the client will be able to use the chance to break this “vicious circle”.

PA: “Let's try to look at the situation from the other side. Please tell me, have you ever heard such an expression that is often used in psychology "what's inside is outside"? Please describe how you understand this phrase!"

CL: "The phrase" what's inside is outside "is an inner world that leaves an imprint on a person's appearance, behavior and words. If the inner world is negative, then a person cannot give good and sees only bad in everything."

PA: "What you are saying can be applied to your situation with your husband?"

CL: "Hmm, I think you can."

PA: "What then is it about, what is so negative in your inner world that prevents you from giving what your husband asks from you, and then he drowns you for it in a stream of accusations?"

CL: "He demands complete obedience, giving in return neither a sense of respect, nor a sense of security."

PA: “Based on what you say, relying on the expression“What's inside is outside,”can we assume, at least as complete nonsense, that some part of you, inside of you, requires complete obedience to her, "giving in return neither a sense of respect, nor a sense of security." At the same time, your husband is just a real embodiment of your inner interaction with yourself. And the fact that he is able to behave the same way with you, his "flaw" - the ability to fanatically persecute and accuse another, was the very thing that blinded you and unconsciously attracted you to him."

CL: “Perhaps you are right! It turns out that I am struggling with my negative manifestations with the help of my husband? So how do I unconsciously try to eradicate the bad in myself? But if so, then I'm just a terrible monster!"

PA: “Yes, why is it just a monster! This happens and quite often in varying degrees of intensity with many people. I think that the fact that you have such an opinion of yourself is a good visual example of how you attack yourself and blame yourself. This can only confirm my guess about what is happening."

Cl: “Thank you very much for the idea! It turns out that I shouldn't get along with my ex-husband, will he continue to humiliate and tyrannize me? Or will he change with my inner changes?"

PA: "Which option would suit you better?"

CL: “Until I understand, the more time passes after the divorce, the less I want to be with him. I miss more the very state of being in the family. Home, worries, plans. And it seems to me that I don't like him already, but I just cling to the past."

PA: “You see, you yourself doubt what to do. Common sense logic doesn't work when it comes to feelings. Therefore, I don’t know what to do. I can only say with certainty that personal therapy is a chance to break the “vicious circle” - You can't run away from yourself! If you learn to better understand the motives of your behavior, you will be able to change something in yourself and thereby possibly motivate your husband to make his own changes. As a result, your relationship can get a new, more comfortable development or finally become obsolete! The problem may lie elsewhere! C can you allow yourself to take advantage of this chance?"

I would like to additionally note that I do not in any way justify my husband's behavior in this situation. I am of the opinion that both sides are always to blame for the existence of a conflict. If my husband was present at the consultation, I would ask him directly: “Why do you constantly return such a“good-for-nothing”woman that“the light has come together like a wedge”on her?

In the course of the therapy of such clients, it is often possible to find that the source of painful attachment to another person is an unconscious feeling of guilt - a phenomenon that Sigmund Freud discovered in the course of his practice.

In the life story of the Ideal Victims, circumstances have developed so that they have an unconscious conviction that they are to blame for something and they need to be punished. They are confident, but for some reason chose to forget that once upon a time they themselves made such a decision that only such a relationship in which they will suffer they deserve to atone for their guilt. “The ideality of the victim” is that a person first of all becomes a victim of the attitude towards himself and only then a victim in real relationships.

An unconscious feeling of guilt turns a real relationship into a running in a vicious circle! If the “Ideal victim” nevertheless finds the strength to break off the painful relationship with a partner, then immediately, this partner begins to idealize, everything bad in his behavior seems to have never existed at all. The person again begins to feel an insurmountable craving for the former partner, or a new partner is selected with the same negative character traits.“I understand everything, but I can’t do anything with myself,” - often this phrase can be heard from the lips of the “Ideal victim” at the moment when she makes the fateful decision to return to her previous relationship. At the same time, after the restoration of relations, an absolutely opposite effect occurs, the "Ideal victim" begins to see a terrible monster in his partner, completely ignoring all the positive qualities that were the reason for his idealization and return.

In the course of joint research, it is possible to help remember what the person is to blame, for which he, as a punishment, condemns himself to such a relationship. It turns out that at the time of making a decision about his guilt, for some reason, the person did not have enough complete information to make an objective conclusion about himself. In fact, there was no "crime"! A person has become a victim of his own delusions, he was mistaken in assessing what is happening. Moreover, the reason for unjustified self-accusation is most often not even real actions and actions, but just fantasies, thoughts, desires.

When, in the course of therapy, inner guilt and belief in the need for punishment are removed, there is a chance that a person's relationship with other people will be more comfortable and satisfying!