2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When we praise the child for something and say to him "You are great!", then in this case we are talking about "conditional praise". Let's take a closer look at this concept.
Suppose you praise a child for putting away toys in his room or for eating everything at dinner. Who really benefits? Maybe the phrase "Well done!" is more focused on our convenience than related to the emotional needs of the child?
Rita Dee Wreis, professor of education at the University of Northern Iowa, calls this "sweetened control." This kind of “You’re done” encouragement is a way to ensure that children meet the expectations of adults. If you think about it, the punishment is built along the same analogy. These tactics can be effective in achieving a specific outcome, and yet they are very different from involved interactions with children.
For example, a child can be involved in a conversation about what family and school responsibilities are, or how certain actions and actions (as well as inaction) can affect other people. This approach engages the adult more in the child's world and is more likely to help children learn to think about important things for themselves.
When we tell a child that he is great, we give an assessment of his personality, and the child will constantly yearn for our approval, confirmation that he corresponds to this assessment. Children gradually become addicted to praise.
Of course, not all praise involves adult control of children's behavior. We can completely sincerely praise children, rejoicing in their actions and achievements. And even in this case, it is necessary to be attentive to our words. Rather than reinforcing a child's self-esteem and healthy self-acceptance, praise can make them more dependent on us and our opinions. The more often we say: "I like how you …" or "You did well …", the less children learn to form their own judgments, and the more they get used to relying on the opinions of adults about what is good and what is bad.
It turns out that the phrase "You are great" can not only not support the child, but even increase his level of anxiety. And the more often we voice it to children, the more they will need it. This can also translate into adulthood, when a person desperately wants someone to say that he is doing everything right.
It is not easy enough to realize that "Well done!" is the same rating as Very Poor. The peculiarity of a positive judgment is not that it is positive, but that it is a judgment.
When a child succeeds in doing something for the first time, or he did it better than the last time, this is a valuable moment. Here it is important to catch yourself on the reflex desire to say "Well done!" … Just allow your child to share their joy with you, and at the same time, let him not expect any kind of verdict from you.
The phrase “Well done! Nice drawing! can only encourage children to paint as long as adults watch and praise. It is often possible to face a situation when children stop doing something due to the loss of attention on the part of adults to the child's activities. Does praise motivate children? Sure! She motivates children to receive that very praise. And often this is due to a commitment to the actions that trigger it.
The words of adults are very important for a child, over time he becomes dependent on praise and tries to reaffirm his importance again and again. And he begins to choose those tasks and tasks for which he will definitely receive the coveted "You are great!"This contributes to the fact that easier tasks in life are chosen, there is a fear of the new and complex - after all, difficult things can deprive the child of praise. A motive for avoiding failure begins to form, which will be built into the life picture of an adult's world.
What children really need is absolute acceptance and unconditional love. This is not just a difference from praise - it is its opposite. "Well done!" - this is just a convention, which means that we offer attention, approval, recognition instead of the desire to guess and confirm our expectations.
What is the alternative? It all depends on the specific situation, but no matter what we decide to say, it is very important that it is connected with unconditional love and support - because they are children, not because they did something.
What can we offer the child instead of the usual evaluative praise?
1 … Simple, non-judgmental statement … Just voice what you see.
● The child has tied the laces on his own:
"You tied your shoelaces yourself." "You did it".
Such a statement will show the child that his success has not gone unnoticed. It will also make him proud that he did it.
In other situations, you can describe what you saw in more detail and in detail.
● For example, a child has brought to show you his drawing. We catch ourselves at this moment on the desire to give evaluative praise, and say:
“The house looks like the real thing. The choice of colors is eye-catching, it would never have occurred to me to use such tones. And what fluffy clouds, just like we saw yesterday on the street."
● The child has shown concern for others or has shown generosity. Here you can draw the child's attention to how his act affected another person.
“Look at Masha. She immediately cheered up and smiled when you shared the molds with her.
This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on the attitude of the adult towards the child's action.
2. Talk less, ask more
It is very valuable when, in addition to describing what we have seen, we join the child through questions.
"How did you make the clouds appear so voluminous?"
"Which part of the drawing was the most difficult?"
"What do you like most about drawing?"
"How did you guess that you can use another brush here?"
The child feels the adult's involvement in his activities, sees sincere interest and understands, without evaluative praise, that he succeeds in what he does. And also, through questions, the child learns to look at his activity as if from the outside, notices what he does best, what he likes and what he doesn't.
Of course, the above does not mean that all compliments, all expressions of admiration are harmful. Not at all, we just need to be aware of our motives when we say certain words, as well as their possible consequences. The main issue is not memorizing a new scenario of actions, it is much more important to imagine the long-term goals of our children and observe the effect of the words that we utter.
Based on materials from Alfie Cohen.
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