How To Recreate And Not Lose Trust With A Teenager

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Teenagers are no longer children and the ways of upbringing that worked with children no longer work. For example, this is the communication style:

- Masha, how could you!

- Kolya, why are you late, did we agree?

- Go clean your room.

- Why are you lying to me?

- How can you be rude to me, I'm your parent!

Those. what does not work: claims, ultimatums, requests in any variations in the form of orders. And if your communication with a teenager begins with just this type of communication, then a wall of misunderstanding will certainly happen.

Indignation overwhelms you, you do not understand how you can not understand such obvious things. Indignation and attempts to establish contact again and again, the feeling that you do not know anything about your child, push again and again to start communication, which does not lead to a result.

Where is the way out of this vicious circle?

The first thing to understand is that the old way of communication no longer works. If you want a different result, then you need to do something differently. Yes, this is your child and he still does not know much about adult life, but he can no longer blindly trust you and listen to you.

Let's try to understand what is happening on the side of the teenager.

He was your child and he has a need to obey. However, he already knows a lot about his interests and what you say often does not suit him. He has a need to learn how to make independent decisions, because soon he will become an adult. He has a need to find his own right to choose his life. And he doesn't know much about the laws of adulthood. It is useless to talk to parents, they always include their moral teachings, it is impossible to understand. There are not many ways to get information from others.

It is important to understand that this is a new and rather difficult period on the path of a person, where it is important to learn to find and maintain one's boundaries and positions. And parents, with their parental dogmas and attitude, like a child, do not help, but on the contrary build up pressure and break attempts to have their own opinion on the basis that they have more experience and know everything better.

This period can be compared with the period of world development from 1 to 3 years. Everything is changing, and I still cannot speak to ask. In adolescence, I want to learn how to do everything myself, and the laws of this world are completely incomprehensible to me, and again there is no one to ask or it is impossible to understand when to ask and when not to.

Well, now the problem is clear from two sides.

And how can you support a teenager, your beloved child during this period?

Rules for communicating with a child after 14.

1. Learn to trust your child.

The teenager has his own rules of the game, which are unknown to us as adults. Therefore, instead of the first ultimatum question, you need to know that there are always reasons to act in such a "strange" way.

You need to come without indignation and ask why Kolya or Masha did exactly that, and then the logic of the child's action will be revealed to you.

For example, it is worth mastering such speech patterns in order to ask the question:

Masha, you probably had reasons for being late, but I don't know anything about them. Can you tell me your reasons? Instead, why are you late? (indignantly)

And there is a very high chance for such a question, asked in a tone of interest, to receive an answer from the child and find out his reasons for being late.

Conclusion: we know that there are always unknown reasons for doing this, and we ask in an even voice with interest.

2. We listen to the teenager, do not interrupt.

3. After receiving the answer, we talk about our feelings and experiences. We haven't done this before. We told the children the final decision, but we did not tell the children about our feelings and what led us to our conclusions and our laws of life. So how do they know what we feel, how we worry, why our solution is the best.

Masha I … (worried, upset, angry … what you feel), and since you did not come on time and did not warn me, and your phone was disconnected, I was very scared. Now I am very glad that everything is in order. It is very important for me to know that everything is fine with you.

4. We pass to the contract. It is important for me to know why you are late, please warn me about being late. Or any other rule you want.

We do not lose our parental position.

We are responsible for our children. But at point 3 we say how we want and are looking for an option that would suit both of us, we are negotiating.

We explain why we want it so much, why it is important.

This communication takes much longer. But this is one of the options to maintain communication with your child during adolescence.

And once again we list all the points briefly:

1. We trust. We ask the question with interest.

2. We listen and understand.

3. We talk about our feelings.

4. We offer a method of interaction in such situations. And we explain why this method is good, we draw up a contract.

There will and should be many such agreements. Because the old rules do not work, and the new ones still need to be built. And every time you have a moment of indignation and misunderstanding, this is a reason to understand each other and create a new rule that will suit you and your teenager.

If you think that your child does not trust you, then you are absolutely right. Children feel insincerity very well. And when you communicate with them with claims and ultimatums, and not with feelings and agreements, they do not make contact at all.

But, most importantly, you also do not trust at all that your child will cope and he always has reasons.

Let's start with ourselves. After all, we are more experienced wiser and generally live longer. Therefore, the child will gladly change his communication with us following our changes in this very communication.

And finally, the instruction on the points, which is worth re-reading at the moment of indignation:

1. Understand why it is shaking and what is outraged.

2. Then think about the real consequences of the committed action (shout, claim) and what impact they will have on her (his) future.

3. What will I think about this act (substitute your example) when she turns 20, will it really matter?

If the answer is "no, not scary."

4. Then to understand that it's okay, and to highlight what is important for the moment now - this is the subject of conversation with the child.

Important for the moment now: I am worried about where you are and with whom you spend time, that there is no openness between us, and you are deceiving me, well, a little about that you are (your example). It is important for me to understand you, why are you doing this?

Then we listen.

Making arrangements to stop worrying.

I understand that you, like many children … but it is very important for us …. Therefore, let's agree. Hug the child to forgive and ask not to do this anymore, and if it is really necessary, then negotiate.

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