And Forgive Us Our Debts - Duty, Gift And Sacrifice

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Lines from "Our Father", in not so distant times known to almost every Christian: "And forgive us our debts, just as we forgive our debtors." The word "duty" and its derivative "must" are closely intertwined in our lives, often merging with such moral and ethical concepts as "justice", "obligations", "responsibility" and even "gratitude". The often heard and read "parental duty", "filial / daughter duty", "duty to the Motherland", "teaching / medical / any other professional duty", "fulfilled their duty to the end", "men / women must "And, finally, as a reaction to all this:" no one owes anything to anyone. " "Our debts" are rarely forgiven, and they are well remembered about them, and often they can be reminded of. Someone has even been doing arithmetic calculations all his life, to whom he owes how much (in rubles, in thanks, in return gifts …), and who owes him how much. The leading feelings of such people: resentment, "I was not given enough!" or guilt, "I have not given!".

Therefore, I want to reflect / meditate on this concept of "debt". What is the definition of debt? Wikipedia and other encyclopedias suggest about the same thing in different words: debt is an obligation, as well as cash or other assets that the lender transfers to the borrower (debtor) with the condition of their return in the future and payment of remuneration.

In other words, duty - this is, on the one hand, what is borrowed, and on the other, an obligation to someone. In this case, the obligation still arises not from scratch, but in response to something. “I am indebted to him” - I have already received something from this person, and therefore I have an obligation to return it to him or to compensate with something equivalent. “He owes me” - I gave him something, and he has an obligation to return to me either what I gave, or something equivalent to what I gave. Therefore, the debt to our parents is often the hardest: they gave us life, but the children cannot offer anything of equal value, therefore this debt is indefinite and it is almost impossible to pay it. You can only pay interest.

And here, on the example of "duty to parents", I have a hitch. Did our parents give us life, gave us life, sacrificed themselves for our life, or did they lend us life? I quite clearly feel the difference between these concepts, which, however, are often confused. As for the debt, I have already said above: "borrowed" - gave something that is subject to return / compensation or took something that is obliged to return / compensate.

Gift - what is given without obligation to return in any form. The only compensation for a gift is the feeling that one gets at the moment of giving. It's very nice to give something to another and see his joy and gratitude, and feel like a good person. If at the moment of giving you do not feel anything good, then this is already another category, sacrifice.

Victim - in our context, this word has such a definition: a living being or an object brought as a gift to a deity during a sacrifice. And the sacrifice is aimed at establishing or strengthening the connection of an individual or community with gods or other supernatural beings. Another definition is related to the voluntary refusal of something. Note - not a gift, but a refusal, that is, a sacrifice is associated with damage to the donor, and this is its fundamental difference from both debt (implying compensation) and a gift (where there is no compensation, except for the experiences of the very act of giving). The victim, it turns out, is needed either a) to establish a strong connection or b) to support someone or something else at the expense of oneself. One does not interfere. Victims arise in conditions of scarcity (real or imagined), when what the other needs is available only to the donor. The one who donates will only have the hope that the one who accepts this sacrifice will somehow compensate for it. And hope is a feeling that is one of the strongest "bindings" of people with each other. As long as I hope - I will never break the connection. And finally, it seems that in an equal relationship there can be no victims - they donate to someone who is more important than you.

So, getting back to debt. Debt, it turns out, arises only where there is a clear and intelligible agreement on compensation. If someone has invested in us their expectations, finances, efforts without our knowledge and consent to the return of investments / interest, there is no debt agreement, and we did not borrow anything. Then it is either a gift or a sacrifice. By the way, an agreement about a sacrifice or a gift can be (although they are not obligatory for the one who donates or gives): when you both agreed that this is a gift or this is a sacrifice (yes, you can also agree about sacrifices, oddly enough: “Yes, I understand that this is to your detriment, but I will accept it, and I will not compensate if I don’t want to” - sounds creepy, but it happens, and not so rarely in a sadomasochistic relationship).

Then the question arises: what, then, is the birth of a child for the parents? For someone a sacrifice, for someone a gift (including for themselves). But this can only be a debt to relatives (the newborn is not negotiable), and only if there is an agreement on compensation. "We are your grandson / nephew / brother, you give us …". Then this is a normal agreement, another thing is that I personally do not like such a formulation of the question.

And what about the duty of children to their parents? It can also be: when grown-up children put the question exactly like this: “Ok, parents, we accept the position that you have lent us a life, and we must somehow compensate you for this debt: either completely subordinate our lives to you, or pay the agreed interest in the form of money / service and so on, depending on what you need - until your death or even after it. It sounds cynical, of course, and for good reason - in this case, the relationship of duty occurs where there is no love (which implies a gift, care). Maybe a reciprocal sacrifice - we constantly do something to the detriment of ourselves and to please our parents in the hope of compensation (most often the hopes are groundless - the deities love to inhale the smoke of sacrificial fires, but they do not send rains as regularly as these fires burn).

What about a situation where someone has caused us damage (even if materially)? Does he owe us something? Unfortunately, this does not entirely depend on us, but to a large extent on who caused the damage. If he has his own conscience or we have leverage to impose an agreement on compensation (in the form of laws, for example) - then yes, from the moment the agreement is concluded (the consent of both parties), the debt arises. If the person who caused us damage does not think that he has to compensate for something, and we have no ways to influence him - alas, there is no debt. There is only "shit happens" and "live on." Trying to ride the idea of justice and kill yourself for it is not the best option. Well, you can still take revenge, of course.

In general, “no one owes anyone” is the position of people who are unable to negotiate and be responsible for the execution of the contract. If we are lending something to someone else, it is important to have a clear idea of how long and what you want in return. If you agree - that's it, the other person owes you, and that's okay and in an adult way. The same is true for the situation when we ask for a loan. The contract can be regulated in different ways - penalties, guilt, shame, self-respect (many of these components make up conscience). And to owe someone is normal and natural, because we are not self-sufficient, and others have what we need.

Another's debt can be forgiven - this means that we turn the debt into a gift to another, only under this condition, in my opinion, forgiveness is possible. Sacrificing debt will not lead to forgiveness - the victim never forgives, she hopes, and if the hopes do not come true, she goes into a rage. Only a gift from the one to whom it is owed cancels the debt.

In the overwhelming majority of cases, people do not have any conscious agreements, but there is only a mass of unconscious expectations or deals that people conclude with themselves. Well, thinking at the same time that they are entering into with another, only these transactions occur only in the minds of one of the participants. Then there are no debts. There are continuous gifts and donations - whether it be relations with the Motherland, with parents, children, spouses, colleagues, etc. The Motherland, in the person of statesmen, loves to broadcast about the duty to it - but is there some kind of coherent agreement between the state and people in country, and is it being respected? If not, then there are sacrifices and gifts. Teachers like to talk about teaching duty - but what have the state or the parents of the students invested in teachers, and what agreements are there in this regard? Again, there are continuous sacrifices on the part of teachers. A sacrifice disguised as a debt is perceived as something very difficult and difficult to bear, and a gift that disguises a debt does not feel like accepting.

In general, if you want clarity and clarity - lend to those with whom you can negotiate, and borrow - clearly articulating all the points. You can give when there is something in excess; in extreme cases, sometimes you have to sacrifice. But presenting your gifts and sacrifices as a favor is one of the most popular manipulations. Typical (and real) dialogue:

- I put off all my affairs for your sake, went to meet you, and you …

- Wait, but I just offered to do it. I didn’t demand this from you!

- But you should have understood that I would have to react!

- Why on earth are you turning my proposals into orders ?! You could have refused!

He could not refuse - it meant respect for their interests, and for people brought up in self-sacrifice, this is a very difficult task … And all that remains is to try to turn your victim into debt and compensate for the damage done to oneself at the expense of another. It often works.

Someone also treats all life as a Sacrifice in the name of something higher. Someone - as a debt, interest for which must be paid all years of life. And I prefer the attitude to life as a Gift, which we are free to dispose of as we want. This is a Gift, which means that no one needs compensation for the fact of his life. So there is more freedom - and love.