Love Till Death

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There was once a woman. Normal, ordinary Soviet woman from the provinces in the USSR. Like all women of that and this time, she thought within the framework of the program laid down by her ancestors: "to get married, have a child, work at work and accumulate benefits", and of course, "everything for children, so that later in old age a glass of water", “Everything for my husband, for the family”, “we are not worse than others” and “what people will say”. Nothing unusual - everyone lived and live like that, especially in the provincial hinterlands.

The woman was very energetic, active, in a sense even domineering and authoritarian, sometimes she got into trouble with her neighbors, showing them her character. Suddenly her sister and her husband died and she, as a brave and correct woman, did a very noble deed: she adopted 2 nephews, and by that time she already had a child herself. The first husband fled, leaving her with her three children. The reasons for his escape were probably complex, it cannot be said that only because of the adopted children - rather, the family did not cope psychologically with such a load and the woman became even more authoritarian in the family, commanding the family and unconsciously believing that after the heroic adoption of nephews, she has every right to become the locomotive of the family. The husband rebelled and could not come to terms with the maternal role of a wife for himself. Unable to cope with the power of his mother in childhood, unable to stop her onslaught, he chose irresponsibly to run away from his wife, onto whom he projected his own mother, leaving his wife with three children.

"What a scoundrel!" - people said. But she didn't break! She did not put her nephews in an orphanage and began to pull everything herself, actively looking for a new husband for herself, since all those programs (see above) that have been sitting with millions of women at the level of instincts in their heads for centuries have not gone away. She understood: “We need to get married and we need to raise children,” so she didn’t disdain to flirt with married neighbor men, get into their “compassionate girlfriends”, console, regret, sympathize, they say, what kind of rubbish wife you have, and you are right in everything … For this, the neighbors hated her. Although she did not allow anything more, she was not an easily accessible woman, but all the women around them understood what a threat this neighbor lurked for their marriages. And she just had to survive by fulfilling the program laid down by her ancestors: "get married, children, a glass of water …".

And finally, he was lucky: one of the neighboring men left his wife and children and went on to live with our heroine, who seemed (or was) more sincere, understanding, warm, sacrificial, sympathetic, comfortable, cozy, tasty feeding to him, neat, hostess, caretaker … Maternal functions in her were of the highest level. But the man still did not know, did not feel the reverse side of the mother's woman's medal: control, authoritarianism, despotism.

Every person wants to merge with his mother, he wants to feel loved, needed, and this is doubly desirable, if in childhood you had a deficit in this. Because of this deficit, people, no matter men or women, are looking for partners with maternal functions, so that, like a child, take, not give. Children are supposed to take from their parents until they are filled with love and recognition, do not believe in themselves and cannot then sincerely, and not from a sacrifice, give it all to others. Those who take the maternal role (sometimes the paternal one) compensate for their child's lack of need, importance, value, power, therefore, in order to feel like heroes, unique, significant, they make incredible sacrifices, compensating for their childhood sense of worthlessness and shame. Both were traumatized as children. The former ask for pens, and the latter take them for pens, the former lack love and attention (they were rejected and reproached), the latter - recognition, praise and adequate self-esteem (they were criticized, humiliated, compared). This is how a deal is made under the guise of a concluded marriage, in which there are no adults, but there are disadvantaged children who have entered into an unconscious conspiracy with each other - you give me love and attention, and I give you power and recognition.

The codependent and the narcissist merge in the kiss of death, never finishing their eternal dance in the market for traumatized souls. Well, how did the story with our heroine end? She died suddenly yesterday. But no one will envy the last 15 years of her life. After marrying a neighbor, and at that time she was already 50, and he was a little more, they began to live a "calm, quiet life." Everyone said: “Well, this is necessary with his ex-wife, he was not such an exemplary man, he had a row with his ex, sometimes he drank, but with this one…”. “That's really true, it all depends on the woman,” they said. The children grew up, went to their families and our heroine directed all her maternal power of love to her new husband, still feeling her indispensability and need. And he missed his mother so much and he accepted this role of her child. "Lived happily!" But the unconscious is insidious, the true "I" cannot be deceived. Are you running from him? Will catch up!

Literally after 5 years of “happy life”, an exemplary husband (I would like to say my adopted son) suffered a stroke, after which he never got out of bed. He was completely paralyzed and he actually turned into a baby for 15 years. I will not describe here what an adult bedridden patient is. In general, having rolled up her sleeves, our heroine became a mother for the fourth time, and our hero, in “pursuit of her mother, in search of this mother in women,” legally got what he wanted. Now there is no feeling of shame, anger, guilt, the feeling that you are not free, inferior! He can now rightfully demand maternal functions from his wife at the infant level. Everything is legal and so heroically romantic: he is disabled, she did not leave him and devoted the rest of her life to him.

People admired this couple. And after 15 years of hellish sacrificial labor, in her impulse to get the feeling that you are good, that you are a girl worthy of praise and recognition, the woman refused to live. Fatal heart attack. The husband, chained to the bed, was left alone! As it should be: children bury their parents, and not vice versa! Here is the moment of truth! It took her all her unconscious life to eventually leave, leaving her maternal heroic role (“I’m not your mother anymore, I feel bad myself, like that, and actually, I’ve already died, do it yourself” - screamed her true "I"), never getting what she was looking for, because she was looking not there, looking for recognition not within herself, but outside, relied not on her true values, but on social ones.

He spent his entire unconscious life in search of a good kind mother, he found, he became an exemplary child in an adult body, paying for this the cruel price of his health and freedom, but his true "I" did not agree to pay such a price in this deal, it was eager for the experience of adulthood and came to him at the moment of his wife's death: “There is no mother in the outside world among women, she is inside you, now you are alone, and you were so afraid of this, when you had legs and arms to serve yourself, you are not I wanted to, now get in touch with this pain of loneliness, when you are completely motionless, and mom is no more - mothers leave, mothers, sooner or later, they leave, especially if you yourself did not leave your mother in adolescence in time … here is your lesson " adults don't need mothers."

Thus ended this so frequent and so common story of two traumatized children who never became adults, who lived their whole lives in a sleeping consciousness. Developing your awareness is the only thing that leads a person to happiness and fulfillment. And how would this woman live after 50 years, if she did not get married, if she did not follow social requirements, if she heard the true voice of her soul, we can only fantasize.

This is an artistic and psychological essay. The author is not responsible for the coincidence of the events described in the story with the events of your life.