Age Crises In Children. Memo To Parents

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I know firsthand about childhood age crises. I am a mother of two boys and from personal experience I know that a crisis is not easy, but it must be lived through, if possible without tangible losses. When one of my sons reached another "interesting" age, I started thinking, as a mother and as a psychologist, about children, about adults, about relationships, about age crises. And this is what happened: with the second child, I had some conclusions, dogmas, conditions, rules, let everyone call it as it is closer and more understandable to him. On my own experience, so to speak, as a consequence of deep reflections on the topic "why so".

So, first

Children are very sensitive. They notice, directly read on a non-verbal level, where the parents have what weaknesses. Toddlers can use it a little awkwardly, but teenagers hit the mark. Their phrases, spoken in a fit of anger in a quarrel, are marks, capacious and very painful. Know your weaknesses as a parent. Better to work on them in psychotherapy. Children speak and fall into our hearts, touching ours, the very childish and painful. And we cease to be an adequate, containing, wise parent. We lose our temper from powerlessness. We fall into a childish position and from this state, from resentment and pain, we react accordingly. "Hello" untreated childhood trauma.

Second

The child needs a reputable adult. For boys, dad is better. And for girls too. Mom, of course, is also an authority, but mom is more for listening, sympathizing, regretting, moving away in the event that she is hurt and weak (mom can and should even be given this to understand, and not hold on and be like flint - this is a model of a female figure, mother. Weakness is our strength). Flint is dad. He said so, then so. Broadcast to the child: "I am your friend, you are a person, I can hear you, but I have more life experience. I am also your parent who feeds, dresses, shoes, gives you education, pampers you with toys (from a plush pony in early childhood to a tablet or a bike / great in youth) and loves you. " This is how authority is built. Let me emphasize that it is authority, not authoritarianism and dictatorship. For boys, this is especially important - this is his model of behavior, which he reads and absorbs. This is the formation of a masculine identity. Dad is in charge of the house, and the boy, when he grows up, will be in charge of his house. Respect for oneself and for a child forms his self-esteem and respect for another. Setting boundaries and clear roles within the family forms a healthy family model as such. This is important for the future of our children.

Third

Boundaries and roles. From the previous point: mother - tenderness, feminine strength, respect for oneself and others, mistress of the house, regulator and mediator of conflicts, femininity, neatness, an example to follow for a girl and love, love, love. It is good if the mother is realized in life, in the profession. A housewife is a big job, but believe me, very thankless. Many grown up boys and girls are proud of their realized mothers and are ashamed of their "uneducated" old ladies. Even if these old women have lived all their lives for their children.

Dad is physical and moral strength, stability, clarity, masculine tenderness, kindness, the ability to keep one's word. A role model for a boy: physical labor (sports, hunting, hiking, boy scout camp, etc.), dedication and dedication. Many men may resent selflessness, but I have a compelling argument for that. A woman is simply born with this feeling. She gives herself a priori. Such is her nature, such is her role as a wife and as a mother. And men need to learn this. It is difficult for egoists to create a family. And yes, dedication should be in moderation, both for her and for him. One should not give oneself up without a trace. Victims are always an uneven distribution of responsibilities, nerves, quarrels and withdrawal into misunderstanding, denial and illness. Such an example of a relationship for children.

Fourth

Respect for your parents. It's not news that a child sees, hears and learns, learns, learns. Your relationship with parents is your child's relationship with you in the future. Dot. Your quarrels, neglect, avoidance of communication with your parents will return to you from your own children, will fly so to speak. This is inevitable. And I will add that your attitude towards people is an example to follow for your children. If everyone is goats and bastards, well, do not be surprised to hear the same from your child. Respect and more respect. To yourself and the world. And to the parents.

Fifth

Children should be involved in something and sports. For boys, this is an outlet for energy and aggression. They need a sport where strength of mind, endurance and team spirit are manifested. And the authority is the coach. For girls, activities where there is support, like-mindedness and creativity are important.

Sixth

Values. Values should be. It is important to voice and show them. Each family, each parent individually has their own value system. Our actions reflect what we believe in, what we stick to, what choices we make. Children remember all this and try on themselves.

To summarize, I will quote an English proverb: "Do not bring up your children, they will still be like you. Educate yourself." Temperament, of course, is an innate property, but in all other respects, a lot depends on what each parent invests in his child. And most importantly, do not forget about yourself. It is not only children who suffer in crises. And they are also not the only ones that fall into them. Therefore, it is important not to forget about yourself when taking care of your child and yourself. Without support and the opportunity to recover and rest on our own, it is unlikely that it will be possible to be a calm and wise parent. If you do not have enough strength and patience, urgently look for ways and places to restore these very forces. The giver is the one who receives himself.