2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Elizar was an open and kind boy. We never had problems with lying, we built trusting relationships, always discussed awkward and exciting moments, but I also could not think that an adult, a teacher, could deceive me. The only explanation that I found for all the inconsistencies in their stories about the day spent was precisely the fact that I did not see the dialogue behind the teachers' claims.
When I was told that he behaved "horribly", on the way home he explained that he had lost water and was thirsty all day. "Spit on children with pieces of paper" - meant "threw back what others had fired at him." The remark "Asleep in the lesson" stands for "he was asked what was being discussed, but he could not answer, because he thought that his answer was not correct." When I prayed "you can not play around in class, there is a change for this !?" - he replied "they are not allowed to play during recess, you can only draw, paint or build from a construction set" … Even when, after working with a psychologist, I was told that he had mental problems, since all the children drew soft fluffy dogs, and he drew a dog with a dagger in his back, no one wanted to know that it was the evil Lord Garmadon, who was so bewitched in the morning in the cartoon …
I realized that it is difficult for me to glue the required format out of my child, because the teachers and I see the essence of his development in different ways. More often than not, what they consider to be out of the ordinary is rooted in what is a step forward for the development of a child with ADHD. Paradoxically, he is often punished for behavior that is, in essence, a great effort on himself and a small personal victory over ADHD. They say "calm down", and I understand "praise".
*****
Once we went with the children to the theater to see The Wizard of the Emerald City. At some point, Zoe, Elizar's girlfriend, got up and started hugging him, telling what an important friend he is in her life. It is awkward, clumsy, but quite recognizable. Other mothers and grandmothers sat around and "hissed" sideways glancing at us, then at Zoya. Her mother sat almost without breathing, and being afraid to frighten away pulled a wide smile, hoping that the girl would notice her before these "chics". The confession wasn’t loud or more attractive than the show, Zoe didn’t hurt anyone but Elizar. But for those around it, it was important to remind us that "they don't behave like that in the theater." For Zoe's mother, it was magic - a child with autism expressed emotions about the importance of contact with another person.
*****
I memorized this lesson, but realized its value much later.
When we were first told “your boys seem to have autism,” I clung to every sign that indicated otherwise. I was worried that in the group he did not play with anyone, almost did not react to the educators. I was happy with every sign of attention that he gave to another child on the playground … But 3 years have passed and the situation has changed dramatically. It's no coincidence that ADHD is seen as the flip side of ASD. Everything that was in the red in his behavior became too big a plus. And I breathed a sigh of relief.
Now, understanding the characteristics of my child, I always divide the criticism of others "by 28". The world around him assesses his behavior from the point of view of the "gold standard" and makes a discount on the "diagnosis" only in words, after a week forgetting about all the negotiations and requests to take into account the recommendations of neuropsychologists. Therefore, my son and I have one fundamental rule - this is respect for other people's borders. Doing something consciously - think about what impact your action will have on other people. You do it unconsciously - do not be silent, apologize as soon as possible and explain yourself if possible.
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