Anger, Anger, Resentment And Revenge. Where Do Parents Get Their Negativity From?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Anger is one of the basic, that is, innate emotions, the essence of which is, firstly, to signal that my boundaries are somehow not just violated, but harshly violated, and, secondly, to react to this intrusion. It takes a lot of energy to fight back, that's why anger is so strongly “charged”, it excites or “triggers” the sympathetic nervous system, forcing the heart to beat faster, quickens breathing, and mobilizes all the forces of the body. But at the same time, it goes beyond the "window of tolerance", when we can talk about a decrease in the control of consciousness over actions, up to the "states of passion" known in legal practice.

On the one hand, the autonomic nervous system does not lend itself to volitional control, and on the other hand, it is possible to influence its state indirectly. Indirectly, with the help of, firstly, awareness and anticipation of situations where such reactions are possible, and secondly, using a certain way of breathing to act on the "vagus nerve" of the parasympathetic nervous system. A slight decrease in emotional intensity or calming helps to turn on the mind and act in some other way.

A wide range of ways is now proposed to channel (recycle, channel) aggression - from dance (or movement) to shouting (not at someone, but “into the air”) and singing, from a “leaf of anger” to a punching bag, from counting and breathing slowly until a sudden exit from the situation to another room. Here you can find the option that suits you best.

However, in my opinion, an understanding of the processes of anger arising comes to the fore.

It is the transfer to the level of understanding and awareness that is the primary task in working with people whose outbursts of aggression affect the quality of life - both their own and those around them.

It is important to distinguish between the manifestations of anger and anger, since they are completely different, although they are similar in manifestations, and now I will try to tell you what it is about. In my reflections, I rely on the understanding of the anger and anger of my teacher, psychologist O. M. Krasnikova, who appeal to me.

So, anger is understood as energy aimed at protecting one's personality, safety, or something important and valuable to a person (for example, a source of love, creativity, basic trust, reliable attachment, needs) from outside invasion, or, conditionally, evil.

This reaction has no age, it is characteristic of both infants and adults (for which it is innate). That is, an external threat arises (objective and / or subjective perception of the event as bad), and in response to it, protective anger rises.

If anger could speak, it would say, "I am in pain, I cannot afford to hurt myself, I will defend myself."

It is clear that the anger of each person would say something different, but the general message is "I am in pain, I am scared." There are three possible reactions according to the situation and individual characteristics: "fight, run or freeze."

However, everyone knows that the reaction of anger is not welcomed by society (unless it is permissible for warriors to defend borders from enemies, invaders or criminals). Anger is condemned, condemned.

If the boys are still somehow lucky with the expression of anger (they are not allowed to cry, but to talk like a man with the offender is completely), then girls are not allowed at all (however, girls are allowed to use "diffuse relaxation" or "tears of futility"). Expressions of anger do not correspond to culturally determined traditional ideas about the qualities of a woman.

As a result of the suppression of anger, the person remains defenseless against the influence of this external threat. This idea is very important to remember, since it is this that has further development in the patterns of manifestation of aggression both in relation to other people and to oneself.

Here psychological traumas arise, defense mechanisms are formed that "cope as they can", and also a source of tension, "charge", triggers are formed. As you might guess, when a person finds himself in a similar situation or perceives it as similar, or learns about it from the media, for example, then, as they say now, he is “bombed”. That is, a person begins to experience indescribable unpleasant experiences from a mixture of suppressed anger, guilt, shame, fear, pain and other emotional condiments. And the child too.

But we remember the tension that remains from the conflict that has arisen between the penetrating threat and the inability to protect something important, what it was aimed at. This tension is expressed in irritation, and irritation translates into aggression - not only in relation to others, but also directed at oneself. These can be physical forms of violence and psychological ones - in the form of passive aggression, devaluation.

Thus, the transformation of the protective state into the source of evil occurs. And here the voice of the state is accusing: "You are bad, you interfere with me, you betray me." This is an external locus of control, when all events begin to be explained only by external factors. But, just like you can't be angry, you can't be angry. Therefore, this anger is also actively suppressed, everything hides in the same "charged" boiler, accumulates and smolders there in the form of … resentment.

Resentment can be long-term when adult boys and girls share their childhood traumatic experiences in different support groups.

However, one day an insult that has gained enough strength finds a way out in the form of revenge. At the same time, revenge can be both conscious and unconscious. The voice of revenge is "I answer evil for evil." Hence all these appear: “she provoked”, “he tried to achieve it himself”, “he / she is to blame”. Here are all manifestations of the authorship of violence, passive aggression, forgetting, being late, not taking into account the needs of loved ones.

Very often, both anger and revenge are directed not at the original source of pain, but at those who are weaker - this is just about the disposition of power in relationships, since the author of violence is usually endowed with more power and uses it. Revenge can be in relation to yourself.

Yes, it turns out, you can take revenge on yourself: deprive yourself of relationships, the opportunity to be a parent, punish yourself by depriving yourself of food, or, conversely, being overweight

If with adults we can throw a thousand and one examples, then the child, for example, "takes revenge" by refusing to eat, because he already understood that it is important for his mother to feed him something tasty and healthy, "she tried, and he …". He begins to scream heart-rendingly for any reason, causing irritation (well, at least to draw attention to himself). Yes, of course, children's revenge is rather unconscious, more precisely, it acquires the features of awareness only with age. Toddlers have more spontaneity and less suppression in their reactions (until those around them have taught them this).

Thus, suppressed anger leads to the development of such a strong source of tension that it is transformed into anger, which, when suppressed, into resentment and revenge.

Here is an example of such a transformation in parent-child relationships. Mom complains that she cannot cope with the children, she breaks down at them, she can shout or hit the pope. That is, mom is here as the author of violence against the weaker. But how did this happen? Yes, of course, it is important to take into account the patterns that were learned from the parental family, and personal characterological characteristics, and features of the intrafamily system, and other important factors. Once my mother was very tired, she wanted to sleep, only she dozed off when one of the children woke up, unceremoniously climbed up and demands attention.

Mom was angry because she felt a great need for rest. Anger both towards the child and towards the adult who admitted that they opened the door to her room. But “you can't be angry with a child! He’s a child, he’s not guilty, he just wants to play, he doesn’t understand, and that adult needs to be thanked for helping in general, he gave me five minutes to sleep”. And instead of saying something like: “What is this ?! Why can't I get a good night's sleep? Well, everyone quickly left the room and don't come in until lunchtime! I promise to play with you, but I need to get some sleep first.”To defend my right to rest and boundaries, Mom swallows anger, laced with guilt in front of the child for“such scary thoughts”and shame that she is a“bad mother”.

What happens next? Further tension begins to accumulate, but my mother steadfastly withstands it, more and more often experiencing irritation from seemingly cute childish pranks. These are bare nerves, boundaries not set in time, and this is already a question of the last drop. As a rule, episodes of various forms of violence arise either at the level of anger or at the level of revenge, but more about that below.

The last drop of "how tired I am" turns into "how you got me." "You got it" is already "you are to blame." However, if at this stage the mother still does not break down or partially suppresses anger, then a resentment against the child arises.

Yes, at this very moment, a mother can seriously be offended by a child of any age, including a baby

Yes, an adult can be surprised to find out that he has a grudge against a child, and a strong one. But we have already discussed above that resentment is swallowed anger (by the way, sometimes against another source, for example, against the child's father, against a grandmother who does not want to help, condemning a friend / sister, or even an ideal instamama).

Sometimes this resentment may come from her own childhood, then the mother at this moment becomes a psychological peer to her child. Well, and then, it is already a matter of time, when and how this resentment is transformed into revenge, which takes very sophisticated forms and directions, such as "punishment with love", for example …

Yes, of course, it is normal to experience different feelings: “all kinds of feelings are needed, all kinds of feelings are important”. It is normal and even useful to be sad, surprised, disgusted, interested, happy, angry, and so on. However, it is important that the form of expression of such vivid, albeit short-term, due to its energy intensity, affects like anger, does not cause real harm to either oneself or others.

Therefore, it is important for me not only to give the client some psychophysiological ways of influencing the affect, like a “leaf of anger” or correct breathing, but also to understand the reasons for a particular state, to highlight those primary emotions that are hidden behind the expression of anger or resentment.

Awareness of primary emotions is only one step on this difficult path.

The whole way fits with the nice scheme of the NOX model, where:

• there is a detailed analysis of the situation of outbursts of anger, anger or, as a consequence, revenge;
• there is a definition and naming of the one who is responsible for the situation;
• an analysis of the relationship between the client's life experience as a whole and the violence that is happening now is carried out;
• an analysis of the short-term and long-term consequences of the violence committed for all participants in the situation is carried out;
• teaching alternative behavior in situations that previously led to the use of violence.

There is an exit!

And if you've read this to the end, then our society still has a chance to resist a culture of violence.