2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I suspect my child is gay / lesbian, what should I do?
Most likely, if the child does not tell you about his orientation, then he is not ready to share this information with you, so you should not ask him or try to find out in a roundabout way (for example, digging into things or the history of requests on the Internet). Your child may be afraid of your reaction, take care of you, or be on the lookout for themselves. In this case, the best thing you can do is not to show homophobia, let them know that you are open to dialogue and acceptance.
You should not be offended by a child if he informed someone else about his orientation, not you. In our society, this is a difficult step, the child may be afraid of your disapproving reaction, he may test the reaction of other people before communicating it to you.
Numerous studies have shown that LGBT children in tolerant families are psychologically better off than those children who grow up in homophobic families. Regardless of your child's orientation, acceptance and tolerance will be good for him.
What specific steps can I take?
Psychologists advise making your family a space where your tolerant attitude towards LGBT + will be known. As a rule, it is better to do this unobtrusively:
- If possible, express a tolerant attitude towards families other than yours;
- Express the opinion that the main thing in love is love itself, and not the sex of the partner;
- Use gender-neutral terms: "Was there someone you like at the party?"
- Do not say anything offensive about LGBT +, do not use jokes with stereotypes about LGBT +;
- If you are familiar with LGBT + couples, invite them so that your child can see that there are other forms of families and he will not be alone.
My child reported homosexual orientation, what should I do?
You just found out that your child is gay, lesbian or bisexual. You can experience a wide variety of emotions: guilt ("Did I do something wrong?"), Grief ("The child I knew and loved no longer exists!"), Anxiety ("What if my child will be insulted or beaten?"), Religious fear ("Is my child doomed to go to Hell?"), Fear of condemnation ("What will people think of my child? And about me?"). Feelings can be of opposite shades: relief (“Now I know what bothered my child all these months / years!”), Gratitude (“Finally, my child opened up to me”). Most likely, you will experience a combination of different feelings.
What should I say to my child?
Try to be calm, even if the child screams about his orientation. Thank the child for being frank. Say you love him, avoiding phrases like “I will love you no matter what” (which implies that something bad has happened). Ask if your child would like to talk more about this topic, find out what you think about it, or talk about it later.
Remember that your child remained the same, the orientation did not affect his attitude towards you, did not change his character and worldview.
Your further relationship depends on the accuracy in actions and words that you show now. It is important to understand that it will be easier for a child to survive the negative reaction of others if the closest people are on his side.
What shouldn't you do?
Do not advise contacting a priest or psychiatrist, do not conduct "educational" conversations about immorality, sinfulness or undesirability of homosexuality. Don't isolate your child from communication. Do not use physical force. Do not try to "fix" the child or send him to a "specialist" who is "able to cure homosexuality."
I am afraid that my child will be lonely, will he have children, partner, family?
The likelihood of loneliness, having children, or not having them - little depends on who your child loves. Homosexual people can create families, or they can refuse this institution, they can have children, or they can refuse to have them. Children in LGBT + families can be adopted, or adopted, can be born with the help of a donor or surrogate mother.
Will children in a family with parents of the same sex be homosexual, will they have psychological problems?
The issue of gender and gender-role identity of children brought up in LGBT + families began to be studied already in the 70s. Although there were few studies of this period, their results turned out to be extremely important for the destigmatization of such families, since they did not reveal any negative influence of the homosexual orientation of fathers and mothers on the development of children and the characteristics of their behavior. It is significant that among children of lesbians and heterosexuals, there were no differences in preferences for certain toys, activities, interests or occupations. The results of subsequent interviews and psychological tests of lesbian and gay fathers demonstrate normal mental functioning, as well as standard levels of self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and parenting that are indistinguishable from those of heterosexual parents. It was found that the sexual orientation and gender identity of children growing up under the care of lesbian mothers or gay fathers matched their biological sex in the same percentage as in heterosexual families.
In the 80s, psychological, sociological and anthropological studies are becoming more frequent, aimed at studying the quality of contact between homosexual parents and their children, as well as studying the psychological climate prevailing in such families. It was revealed, in particular, that a conscious approach to motherhood and fatherhood is not the prerogative of exclusively traditional couples. Moreover, some researchers (for example, Flax, Fischer, Masterpascua, and Joseph) note that lesbian couples have higher skills in mindful parenting than heterosexual ones, and they are less likely to use physical punishment as a disciplinary measure in parenting. Gay fathers often describe themselves as adhering to strict parenting principles, emphasizing mentoring and developing cognitive skills, and being involved in the lives of their children at a high level. According to the assessments of mothers and teachers, the social development of such children and the behavioral problems they have are comparable to the standard indicators for the entire population. Thus, homosexual orientation does not detract from the ability to care for children. The level of adaptation of children with two mothers or two fathers seems to be closely related to the satisfaction of parents with their relationships and, in particular, to the division of responsibilities in the family when caring for children.
In spite of everything I feel a dislike for my child's orientation, what should I do?
For a start, you should better get acquainted with this issue, read high-quality literature. You may need time, but for now, do not act rashly. Perhaps you should contact a specialist - psychologist, psychotherapist, psychoanalyst. Although any professional should adhere to a code of ethics, it is better to ask before starting work about his attitude towards the LGBT community and start working only with supportive professionals. It can also be helpful to communicate with parents who have had similar experiences.
Homosexuality has always existed in all societies, although the idea of it has changed - from condemnation to acceptance, but "fashion and propaganda" does not affect its appearance and spread. Decriminalization, depathologization of homosexuality and tolerance affects only the number of those who accept their nature.
Previously, views on same-sex relationships were based on irrational ideas, today they are based on scientific data and therefore in developed countries they are considered a variant of the norm.
Today, most researchers consider homosexuality to be a consequence of a complex complex of biological and socio-psychological factors that are not opposed, but rather complement each other.
It can be said unequivocally that homosexuality is not chosen and there is no way to influence a person's orientation.
The fact that you have read this article means that you are ready to take the step towards acceptance, and it is a good sign that your relationship with your child will be trusting, regardless of orientation and how difficult it is for you now, ultimately. you will feel better.
You can read additional information in the brochure of Oleg Khristenko and Svetlana Karptsova published by NGO "Your Gavan" - "What parents need to know about homosexuality?"
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