2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
People who often say or suspect that everyone wants to use them do not notice how they themselves seek to use others. At the core of this phenomenon, which sometimes reaches paranoia, lies the stinginess and callousness of the soul, the inability to surrender to love and sincerely love, to trust another person.
The reason for this phenomenon is, of course, narcissistic trauma. Stephen Johnson calls such a child a used child. In other sources, this developmental trauma and this attitude towards the child is called the "narcissistic continuation" of the parent. How can such a child know what true intimacy and love is? After all, no one has ever been genuinely interested in his feelings. The parents' interest always lay in the plane of the child's achievements, his success in school, his grades, behavior. But his inner world and feelings were not interesting to anyone.
Once, getting closer to his parents, he suffered a terrible fiasco. He was not approved by the most dear people in this world - parents - just because he is.. He needed to constantly deserve their love, to be correct and obedient, so that dad and mom would not get upset. He abandoned himself in favor of those who gave birth to him.
He was used as someone who should meet the expectations of a parent and in fact he could not be himself, have his own opinion, make his own choices, wish something of his own without agreeing it with his parents.
He turned out to be too indebted, too obliged to his parents, because he was taught that "parents are sacred." And he believed in this thesis, trusted them and … now his world consists of those who want to use it. The worst thing is that he does not even realize that the first people who used it before anyone else were his beloved or not so beloved mom and dad.
Alas! Such a person is unlikely to be able to know the joy of sincere love, freely giving and receiving, disinterested and free. He will definitely tell his partner: "you owe me this or that" and will consider himself that he should do something and avoid his obligations, and if he piles on himself, like a donkey of burden, responsibility for himself and for a partner, then sooner or later will express his dissatisfaction in the form: "I do so much for you, and you..".
This person will face many disappointments on the give-take axis, and therefore on the proximity-distance axis. And then everything that began as love will end with what is called the power of one over the other.
In essence, I am describing a narcissistic person who suffers herself and brings suffering to others. Psychotherapy will not, of course, relieve trauma, it will not remake the past, but it can significantly reduce the intensity of pain, increasing a person's awareness.
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