Let My Mother Find Me By All Means

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Emotionally unavailable parents are perceived by the child as absent. They can be nearby, satisfy his physical needs, but if the parents do not show love, tenderness and warmth to their child, the child decides that he has no value for the parents, that he is NOT IMPORTANT. Emotionally absent parents:

• don't say "I love you";
• do not hug, "on the arms" take only when necessary, avoid bodily contact;
• go about their business, not noticing the child: "go" to the computer, TV, telephone, etc.;
• are in their own experiences and unresolved problems.
• do not say "I love you";
• do not hug, take "on the arms" only when necessary, avoid bodily contact;
• go about their business, not noticing the child: "go" to the computer, TV, telephone, etc.;
• are in their own experiences and unresolved problems.

When a child's needs for recognition, love, and emotional closeness are not met, they feel rejected. A small child cannot know what he is worthy and how to treat him. The experience of communication in the family that he has is the only experience for him. It would seem a paradox that the worse the parents meet the child's needs, the more he is attached to them. The less love and attention the parents put into the child, the more they are more valuable become for him. The child is afraid of losing what little he has thanks to his parents, because his survival depends on them. Small man expects in the future to receive what he lacks in the present.

This hope is necessary child to create their own safety and confidence in the future. He is ready to justify any act of his parents. AND dealizing parents, the little man to direct all the anger at himself. Such children try to be comfortable, and sincerely expect that sooner or later, their parents will appreciate their efforts.

Practical example. Permission to publish has been obtained from the client. Let's call her Vika. Vika considers herself unattractive, unworthy of love and recognition. I ask her: - What image appears on the statement: "Life is a duty"? - A series of pictures. I I was born, I live, I die. - Describe each picture in more detail. - " Born " … I see the hospital. The doctor shows me to my mother - dirty, all in labor secretions.

Birth is the first event that causes anxiety in a person. He separates from his mother, having lost his familiar environment, experiencing tremendous stress - physical and sensual. In various types of psychotherapy, there is strong evidence that biological birth is the deepest trauma in our life. It is experienced as death and rebirth of the soul. It is possible that our attitude towards ourselves and towards the world echoes the vulnerability we experienced at birth. - On the picture "I live" - I'm about five years old, I'm in a sundress, like the heroines of Russian fairy tales. I live with my parents in a hut, I set the table.

- The picture "Died" - I am lying in a coffin, very similar to my great-grandmother at the time of death, I am about eighty years old. Great-grandmother is an important figure in the girl's life, many attitudes, prohibitions and restrictions are attributed to her. The great-grandmother did not seem to notice her great-granddaughter, ignored her. All family members listened to the opinion of the great-grandmother. More than twenty years have passed since the day of her death, but to this day both the grandmother and the mother mourn her departure. - It turns out that between birth and death - life in a "hut", that is, in restrictions. And your psychological age is five years. As if you choose to remain a child all your life, not to grow. And only at the moment of death do you become like a great-grandmother, that is, important and significant. - It turns out that way. - How does a five-year-old girl feel? - She's good. There is always someone nearby, some children are not left behind. - Where are the parents now? - They are at work. But, someday they will come and appreciate what a good girl she is. - Good. But, as if she needs to prove it. So she sets the table to be useful. It turns out that all her life she remains a girl and “sets the table”. And she expects her parents "someday" to come and appreciate how good she is. This "someday" never comes. And then it turns out that she is already eighty years old and she is lying in a coffin. Life is over. As of today, this is your script. - Yes, now I understand it. I remembered a song from the cartoon: “Let mom hear, let mom come, let mom find me by all means! After all, it does not happen in the world that children are lost. " All my life I feel like such a lost mammoth, and I am waiting for the appearance of my mother, her love.

- What image appears on the saying: "Life is a gift"? - I am an adult on a yacht with a man and a child. - What can be done to turn a five-year-old girl into a woman with a family and a yacht? - We need to allow her to accept life as a gift. So that she stops paying her parents a debt, waiting for their love. She became not a servant of her parents, but the mistress of her own life. - Who can give her this permission? - I'm an Adult. But, the girl can accept this permission only together with my love, and I do not feel this love. Vika is filled not with love, but with criticism towards herself. This is a model of the attitude of parents towards her, as well as suppressed aggression intended for parents, but directed at themselves. It is impossible to express anger for the intended purpose, DANGEROUS, FORBIDDEN. In the course of today's session, Vicki realized what scenario she lives by. And now this scenario no longer suits her. In the first phase of therapy, the client usually denies lack of emotional attachment in his life. Denies the negative traits of the parents (or only one of them). These are defense mechanisms against mourning that allows I grieve to stay unknown … In fact, the main task of a psychologist is to help a person cope with childhood traumas and disappointment in their parents, "say goodbye" to their ideal images. To to endure grief, it must be recognized, made known … Recovery occurs only after the repressed anger at the parents has been lived, then there is access to love, which is invariably present in the soul of every child. In the course of therapy, the client gradually develops the skills to give himself what good parents usually do for the child: to allow the expression of feelings, to have their own desires and much more. A person becomes a Caring Parent for himself, for his childish part - the Inner Child.

The Inner Child can finally feel that he has been found, he is needed. Now he will never be left alone.