DO NOT HURT, IT HURTS ME

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

As soon as you hint that you are angry or offended at someone, bright men immediately run up with advice to “understand and forgive” the offender. They will definitely add that those who will not forgive will certainly get cancer, and will also suffer from a failed personal life and numerous diseases (this is in addition to cancer, of course). For a long time I thought that all this comes from the writer Louise Hay, who advises treating cancer (and all other diseases) with meditation and bright thoughts, and also by all means asking yourself why the universe sent you these tests.

But in reality, the problem is much deeper. The fact is that in our culture, especially among good intelligent girls and boys, it is not customary to show emotions, especially negative ones. When we cried as children, the first thing they told us was to stop doing it. And they immediately reported that we are worried about some kind of stupidity. “Well, stop crying! It doesn't hurt at all! I myself catch myself at the moment when I already open my mouth to tell my daughter that it is not painful for her. And so that she would stop crying. I can’t help it, it’s trying to break out of me automatically.

Moreover, it was impossible to get angry, indignant, feel resentment or jealousy and feel the desire to immediately strangle the offender. It was “wow, how ugly! girls don't say that! " and "be above this!" In my family and in all intelligent families around, there was a cruel ban on negative emotions. One could only experience great grief after the death of a loved one. And even then it was believed that only adults are capable of this, and children "do not understand anything."

All this led to the fact that people not only do not know how to release their feelings, adequately express them, but also do not know how to respond to strong emotions of loved ones and others. I observe a lot, for example, the behavior of people in my Facebook support group. One of the most common "consolations" is the words that "they are not worth your tears", "do not pay attention", "do not react so sharply" and so on. That is, "stop feeling what you are feeling." The problem is that if a person could do this, he would not have this problem. And she is.

In any grief, even the smallest, a person usually goes through five stages of acceptance: denial, aggression, bargaining, depression and acceptance. For example, a friend of mine, a gentle, intelligent professor, was stolen at the station with a bag with documents, money and a computer, where his scientific papers were for the last year. And so he, with an unprecedented, completely unusual passion for him, says that he would like to personally beat that thief, even kill him, that he would gladly watch his hand cut off, as they do with thieves in Muslim countries. And I understand: he, an adult, a man whose life is so reasonable, calm, controlled and controlled, faced an uncontrollable element. And in this situation he is absolutely helpless. He is filled with rage and desire to take back control of his life. Together with aggressive, angry words, his anger and his fear come out. I am also uncomfortable, I do not really understand what to answer to such words to a person known for his sanity and benevolent wisdom.

And then they come. Bright people. Who say that "these are just things." And "this is not a reason to be so angry." And "stop thinking about it already." And also: "Do not keep this anger in yourself, it destroys, forgive this person, you will feel better right away!" But in order not to keep anger in oneself, it must be released somewhere. Well, at least tell your friends what you would do with the thief if you met him on your way. It is safe for you and for the thief. And it helps a lot to let off steam. That is, forcing a person who is experiencing any loss to immediately move from the stage of aggression to the stage of acceptance is as senseless as pulling a carrot by the tail in the hope that it will grow faster from this.

Around us there are thousands, millions of people who, by an effort of will, have forbidden themselves to feel. And who are outraged when others - all of a sudden - still feel something. A tired mother, tortured to death by tiny weather, complains to her friends: she is so tired, she sometimes wants to throw herself out of the window or throw the children there, sleep and then rush after them - and in response he hears that “children are happiness” and “how can you say that ?! " Those who dare to complain about their relationship with their mother will immediately be told that their mother will soon die and "you will bite your elbows, but it will be too late."

Once, when I was about ten years old, my dad and I were driving somewhere in a huge traffic jam. I had a fever, besides, I was seasick and very nauseous. I cried and whimpered all the way, asked to come faster and stop my torment altogether. And suddenly dad screamed at me terribly. And it was completely unusual for him. I cried even more bitterly: "I feel so bad, and you are still shouting at me!" “But what else can I do,” the dad replied, “if my child is feeling bad, and I am not able to help ?!”

I think that about the same was guided by a friend's dad, who suggested forgetting about the rape, which she told him about. “Get it out of your head,” he said, “stop thinking about it all the time, is everything okay now? Why remember over and over again ?! " He even went so far as to accuse his daughter of experiencing "some kind of sophisticated pleasure" from the fact that she remembers that event all the time. But everything was simple: her daughter needed to go through it, she could not cope alone, she needed a dad who would hug her, who would cry with her, who would say that he would cut that guy into small pieces, that he I would have given my life to be by her side that evening and to protect her.

But dad only tried to forbid worrying and shouted at her for going for a walk with the dog in the evening. Not at all because he is a bad person and an indifferent father. He is a very loving father. Who does not know how to experience grief, or help a loved one to survive this grief. He can only say, “Stop feeling what you are feeling immediately! It hurts me! It hurts me! Submit! Become my cheerful little girl again, who has never had anything bad in her life!"

A person who was not allowed to survive grief, who, like a carrot, was pulled by the tail so that others would again have a blissful picture of the world, gets stuck for a long time in one of the stages. For some it is depression, for many it is aggression. Often passive aggression. Unlived grief, crammed, pushed into the very depths of the subconscious, gradually poisons and controls. It makes you harden and stop feeling and sympathizing. It makes you say in response to a message, for example, about a miscarriage: “It's okay, everyone has it, you will give birth to a new one! You are young, healthy, you have your whole life ahead of you! And yes, I believe that these people can be understood. But you don't have to forgive.