Don't Hurt Me Or How Not To Drown In Negativity

Table of contents:

Video: Don't Hurt Me Or How Not To Drown In Negativity

Video: Don't Hurt Me Or How Not To Drown In Negativity
Video: Martin Garrix feat. Clinton Kane - Drown (Official Video) 2024, March
Don't Hurt Me Or How Not To Drown In Negativity
Don't Hurt Me Or How Not To Drown In Negativity
Anonim

Family conflicts are quite a paradoxical phenomenon. The paradox is that the participants in the relationship feel completely differently in them: one of the spouses considers the relationship in the family to be successful and stable, and the other feels deeply unhappy. With external well-being, a person begins to move away, close, experiencing deep dissatisfaction with his family life

Dissatisfaction becomes a background condition. Such attitudes are more often inherent in women, although men can also experience them. A serious basis for internal conflict appears. On the one hand, it is still good, there is no reason to be sad, but on the other hand, everything is bad, everything is so bad that one gives up. It is difficult to understand itself, and even more so for a partner. After all, everything was fine, but in an instant you start thinking about divorce.

A mass of unspoken, hidden, unmanifest has accumulated inside. And you try to explain something to your partner, but it comes out with difficulty. Your arguments are similar to unfounded claims and the man begins to reproach that your brain explodes from you. That is why there is a delusion among men that it is impossible to satisfy women in principle, and no matter how hard you try, they are always not enough. And since this is impossible, you don't want to try. Hence the talk about incomprehensible female logic. Men note this not without irony, women are even more closed in themselves.

But one day this Pandora's Box opens and everything that has been accumulating for months and years falls out of it. All unspoken grievances, all claims. It might look like a tsunami. A wave of destructive feelings falls on a man who, like a scalded cancer, rounds his eyes in bewilderment. It seems to him that the offended woman is ready for anything except adequate actions. Where does all this come from, where does such a disgrace come from? In the avalanche of accusations, everything comes to mind: the bag of garbage that was not thrown away in the morning, the “important” date, your “regular” meetings with friends and the fact that you have not visited your parents for 3 weeks. It is impossible for a man to digest such a portion of accusations at once, and he will once again note for himself that it is impossible to please you. In principle, he is not ready to return once again to the discussion of those events, the statute of limitations of which has already expired. For him, these are problems, sucked from the finger, appeared from scratch and invented by you. About many of them, he had neither hearing nor spirit, had no idea that his actions had hurt the woman. Indeed, in the present moment there is no reason for a quarrel, and if there is, then your behavior is certainly inadequate to the cause.

What actually happens to a woman?

The nature of a woman is undulating. She then balances on the rise, then falls into a blues and depression. The good news is that she can lift herself to the crest of the wave. The bad news is that when she gets to the bottom of her emotions, she will add past disappointments and resentments to her current difficulties. Plus, women have a special relationship with time. Men are guided in time by the concepts of "long ago", "recently" and "now". This gradation of time extends to the sphere of personal relationships, since in business and business men perfectly master various techniques of time management and operate with masterly dexterity. Women, on the other hand, always know exactly when the child visited the dentist last time, when the child had its first tooth, when you had the first date, and what she was wearing. If something is repeated more than two times, it automatically becomes "permanent". That is, if a man in the recent past was delayed several times from work or met with friends, he will hear the accusation that he does it all the time. By the way, this also explains the desire to regularly update the wardrobe - you don't want to "constantly" wear the same one.

The wave-like behavior of a woman is also explained by the fact that the Moon affects the female nature and its energy. And, as you know, the position of the Moon relative to the Earth creates such natural phenomena as ebb and flow in the seas and oceans. So there are quite natural reasons for female behavior.

Let's get back to the relationship. An insignificant quarrel that has developed into a grandiose scandal indicates that one or both partners have an internal conflict. It is caused by a mismatch between expectations and current reality. These expectations can accumulate inside for a long time, provoking the very dissatisfaction against the background of external well-being, which I spoke about at the beginning of the article. Like a dormant volcano: until a certain time it is absolutely safe, but as soon as it wakes up, a catastrophe is inevitable. God forbid, if there are no sacrifices. Negative emotions can accumulate for years, but inevitably and often unexpectedly make themselves felt.

You can understand the depth of their action using the 90/10 principle. What does this principle tell us?

When we feel resentment, are upset about something, constantly scroll through a hackneyed plate of negative thoughts in our head, then 90% of these experiences are associated with past experience and only 10% with the current situation. In other words: 10% is what objectively takes place and 90% are our thoughts about what is happening. This principle is universal for both men and women. If we take into account the wavelike nature of women's behavior and the 90/10 principle, then we can agree with the French proverb - a real woman can make three things out of nothing: a salad, a hat and a scandal. This, of course, is humor, but in every joke there is only a fraction of humor, everything else is true.

Why did I dwell in such detail on the topic of unspoken grievances? As I have already noted, the principle of triggering conflicts is universal for both men and women. The fact that women do this more often indicates only that women are creative. She always knows which wallpaper is best to stick in the hallway, living room, etc. She skillfully blends various wardrobe items into a new look. Look at a woman's dressing table: there is jewelry for different dresses, all kinds of varnish shades for different looks. Only in the world of women can colors such as dark milky or dark white appear. For men, it's just gray. She is constantly experimenting. And like any creator, she strives to improve and modify everything. Expressing her feelings, she does not want to offend a man, she tries to understand the relationship, to speak out her feelings and fears, to reach a new level of mutual understanding. At this moment, she needs male support and care more than ever. Men, on the other hand, read this as claims and criticism.

It doesn't matter at all who is the first to explode and begin to sort things out. It is important for this to happen. Unspoken grievances are like festering wounds on your family's body. Any doctor will confirm to you: if pus comes out - it's good; if inside it is an infection. Conflict should not be perceived as bad by definition. Look at them through the lens of developing and saving your relationship.

Of course, there are difficult cases when conflicts are a way of emotional entertainment, but now not about these couples. I'm talking about mature relationships and conflicts as a way to reveal inner pain.

As a rule, people come into family relationships with a certain emotional baggage. It seems to us that we are starting our new relationship from scratch. But in fact, only the page dated today is blank. Prior to this page, there are already records of previous relationships, life experiences. And the first pages of our book of life are not filled with us at all. They are written in the handwriting of our parents, educators, friends, teachers who have contributed to our emotional memory. What is not there: prohibitions, accusations, attitudes, prophecies, limiting templates. And the slightest family disagreement can be a powerful trigger to a big conflict, the roots of which go far back in the past.

A simple example: a girl from childhood hears about her thinness and uneven forms. Friends of her parents laughed at her, she was the object of ridicule of the boys from the class. At a time when her peers were already beginning to try on bras, she wore a T-shirt under her blouse, since no bras are sewn on flat breasts. This situation remained a traumatic experience in her adolescence and went deep into the subconscious in the form of an attitude about her imperfection. In severe cases, complexes may appear. With them, she comes to the family and at the slightest hint, often not even intentional, about her figure, a woman may flare up, behave too aggressively or burst into tears. The man, of course, will be perplexed and consider the reaction inadequate.

Grievances expressed at the wrong time now will serve as a pretext for conflicts in the future. Sooner or later, the abscess will burst through. Better early. One consolation: if we suddenly fall under the control of our negative emotions and unspoken grievances, we can quickly get rid of them. And conflicts help us in this. It is only important to observe safety precautions when carrying out them.

How to do it?

Firstly: let go of blaming and complaining about your past abusers. Let them write the book of life, but nobody took the opportunity to continue your life story and finish it happy end. It is not anyone's fault that you have accumulated the wrong thing in your emotional memory. Remember: only 10% of your state is related to the situation, the rest is your attitude to it. If you still want to find the culprit in your misfortunes, go to the mirror and get to know him. Apply this rule not only to past offenders, but also to present and future ones.

Secondly: Take time out. At least an hour. Ideally for 24 hours.

“The famous mystic and philosopher Gurdjieff said that his whole life was turned upside down thanks to one practice.

When Gurdjieff was only nine years old, his father died. The father was poor. Dying, he called Gurdjieff closer and said to him:

- I have nothing to leave you as an inheritance. I am poor, and my father was also poor, but he gave me only one thing, and that made me the richest man in the world, although on the outside I remained poor. I can tell you the same.

This is definite advice. You may be too young to follow it right now, but remember it. When you can act on this advice, do it. The advice is simple. I will repeat it, and as I am dying, listen carefully and repeat after me, so that I die contented that I have conveyed a message that, perhaps, has passed from father to son for centuries.

The message was simple. Father said:

- If someone insults you, annoys you, provokes, just tell him: “I understood your message, but I promised my father that I would answer only in twenty-four hours. I know that you are angry, I understood that. I will come and answer you in twenty-four hours. And so in everything. Observe a twenty-four hour gap.

A nine-year-old boy repeated what his father had told him, and his father died, but the message transmitted at such a moment was imprinted forever. When he repeated the message, the father said:

- Good. May my blessings be with you; I can die in peace.

He closed his eyes and died. And Gurdjieff, although he was only nine years old, began to practice it. Someone insulted him, and he said:

“I’ll be back in twenty-four hours to answer you, because I promised this to my dying father. I can't answer you right now.

Maybe someone beat him, and he said:

- You can beat me; I can't answer right now. In twenty-four hours I will come and answer you, because I made such a promise to my dying father.

And later he said to his disciples:

“This simple message has completely transformed me. This man beat me, but I was not going to react at this moment, and I had no choice but to observe. I had nothing to do: now this man is beating me, and I should just be a spectator. There was nothing to do for twenty-four hours.

And the observation of this person created a new kind of crystallization in me. Twenty-four hours later, I could see clearer. My eyes were full of anger. If I answered right at that moment, I would fight this person, I would hit this person, and everything would be an unconscious reaction. But after twenty-four hours I could think about it more calmly, more quietly. Either he is right - I did something wrong and needed, deserved to be beaten, insulted - or he was completely wrong. If he was right, there was nothing to do but come to him and thank him. If he was completely wrong … then there was no point in fighting a man who was so stupid and was doing completely wrong things. It's pointless, it's just a waste of time. He doesn't deserve any answer.

And in twenty-four hours everything fell into place, and there was clarity.

You are always outside.

Just watch."

To cope with the surging negativity, you must first of all distance yourself from the object of your aggression. Physically distance yourself: go to another room, go outside. Alone with yourself, try to get to the core of your emotions. Don't drive them away, don't try to force them out of your consciousness. The suppressed emotion does not disappear anywhere; it will go to the margins of your emotional memory and, in a similar situation, will again make itself felt. Observe emotions, treat them like guests in your home: you accept them and calmly let them go. This is called being aware.

Manage your emotions, ask yourself.

What am I feeling right now?

Why am I feeling this? What triggers this feeling in me?

What is unnecessary trash for one, for another - heavenly gifts. It is important to understand what is inside you that is resisting what happened.

Was it the situation or my attitude to the situation that triggered a flash of anger in me?

Does my partner have anything to do with my reaction?

What price will I have to pay if I keep silent about my emotions now and ignore this situation?

What price will I have to pay if I openly express all my emotions?

No one can offend you without your consent.

Thirdly: Event plus response is equal to result. You and only you decide what to do. In any life situation - only you decide what to feel, what to feel, think and do. Do not try to justify your actions and decisions with the behavior of another person. It would seem that everything is simple, but no …..

“You make me feel bad. You are to blame for my mood”- this is how most conflicts begin.

But our reaction is free choice. The Lord rewarded a person with free will, but a person still tries to blame his reactions on someone else: on a husband, wife, children, God, etc.

Take the following phrase as a rule: I DECIDE.

Example: the husband is late at work. What's in this situation YOU DECIDE: take offense and not talk to him for a week; make a scandal as soon as he appears; meet calmly and ask about the reason for the delay; call a friend and discuss an important topic for you; pamper your hair with a new mask; to be glad that he is not yet, turn on the music loudly and dance until the muscles hurt.

WHAT DO YOU DECIDE?

And the result you get will depend on what you decide.

Tidy up your state and thoughts - they directly affect your actions.

Fourthly: if, having freed yourself from your projections, past grievances, having paused, you have something to say to your partner and your reaction is 100% of the present moment - tell about your feelings. If you have something to say - tell me.

Don't see it as a conflict. What you want to see is what you see. "One looks into a puddle and sees mud, the other sees reflected stars."

Warn your partner that you don't want to blame him or hurt his feelings. You just want to talk about how YOU feel about the situation. Tell us why you feel this so that your words are not perceived as pretensions and excessive emotionality. And be sure to tell me what you want for the future and why it is important to you.

At this point, it is important to remind yourself for what purpose you came into this relationship. Most likely, you wanted care, love, mutual respect. With this in mind, you will try to talk about your feelings without pretensions or direct accusations. Attacking with a saber bald, it is unlikely that you will be able to get everything you want from a relationship. Chances are, your attack will meet equally emotional resistance.

Being in a relationship, we are driven into the trap of our own beliefs, requirements, projections, rules of who and what should do, completely forgetting about the Personality who is in front of him, but which we do not see at close range. We put the stamps “husband”, “wife”, endow them with a list of responsibilities and character traits. We look at each other and, apart from our own stamp, we see nothing.

When expressing your feelings, learn to look not at stamping, but at a unique person, with his inner world, childhood memories, beliefs and traumas. Before you is not a "husband" or "wife" - in front of you is a unique person. Realize that there is no such second person, there has not been and will never be again.

Life is full of choices. We can choose to be right or be loved; forgive or take revenge; to be alone or in society. These are all elections. No matter what stage in your life you are, no matter what your life situation is, it is like this because you chose it. And only you can change that.

Recommended: