Why Don't You Trust Your Partner?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-07 22:18

Without trust, it is impossible to build the most fulfilling life - and business will not work out, and relationships with friends, and social life with work, and partnerships will be questionable (or they will not have the desired sincerity and depth without trust). Nowadays, many people do not know how to trust, fearing to look naive or become deceived. As a rule, partnerships are an indicator of our psyche, and often most of us care much more than any others. Why is there no trust between partners, what influenced it in childhood? How can you cultivate trust?

What is trust? If we speak in the professional language of psychologists, first of all it is a risk, and then a result (experience). In reality, trust is always the result of internal processes, but not external circumstances. In life, we are rewarded according to our faith. I will say from personal experience - the more I relax and trust the space, the more the space gives me feedback: “Yes, you're all right!”. And vice versa - if you pretend that you trust, but at the same time feel fear, broadcasting it, in response you will receive the expected negative. Note that if a person says that he is sometimes afraid of something, he is strongly charged inside. For example, you hear: "I am afraid that I will not be hit!" - and in response I just want to knock. Another example is when a person thinks that everything will be bad in life, constantly complains, and as a result, gets his “unsuccessful” life, he just wants to push off from him. Or: "Nobody is friends with me, everyone rejects me!" In this case, some kind of animal reaction to injured people "turns on" - to inflict this injury again.

Trust is an inner work. You are committing an act within yourself that allows you to remain in a relationship with a person, and it is important to share what he can be responsible for, and what not, in what you can trust. For example, someone can be entrusted with a large amount of money, and he will handle this amount wisely, but secrets cannot be revealed (they will immediately become the property of others); someone can be trusted with a car, but money cannot be trusted. Divide your environment into categories according to the level of trust - who and what can be trusted and what not. Remember - one person cannot satisfy all your needs. If you learn this important lesson deeply in yourself, this is where your "treatment" begins.

Why don't you trust your partner?

1. Your family's experience. Parents were deceived by business partners, mom was abandoned by her husband, dad was deceived by his second wife or even your mom, grandmother kept repeating that you would crash on roller skates or a bicycle. Relatively speaking, your family quite often gave the message "Fear everything!" - danger is everywhere, and trouble will surely overtake you. Why did this happen? Relatives themselves could not cope with the frustration in their lives, when they lost something, some of their hopes and expectations were not justified. So, there was frustration, resentment and a lot of anxious feelings, and as a result, aggression appeared that was not expressed to the world. Aggression often turns into anxiety. Accordingly, your family has shifted their negative and traumatized experiences onto you. For many, this was expressed in childhood as a "silent story" that no one should be told about their successes, no one should be told anything good that is in your life - they will definitely jinx it, take it away, it will magically disappear. Where does this behavior come from? The origins must be looked for at the beginning of the last century, when the rich were dispossessed - it was impossible to say that you had food, money, some kind of wealth, because they would come and take them away. Yes, it was all 100 years ago, but we are still afraid.

Think about what beliefs your family sent you, what messages they broadcast, and why you are afraid of it now. Is there really such a situation? Now it is not, but isolated cases may arise, but here it all depends on your faith. In our time, nobody is dispossessed for what we have, and even more so no one will take it away from you.

1. You do not know how to cope with your feelings of frustration - resentment, disappointment, anxiety, some kind of uncertainty. All this can be experienced as injustice, a feeling of abandonment. Accordingly, since you are not learning to cope with your feelings, another limitation arises. If we agreed to meet with a partner at 21.00, but he came at 21.30, you will lock yourself inside. Sometimes it is necessary for a similar situation to happen several times - and that's it, trust in a person seems to be completely lost. Did not live up to expectations, promised something and did not fulfill - and there is no forgiveness. However, in essence, everything proceeds from the fact that you have no forgiveness towards yourself for your mistakes.
2. Inability or lack of skill to choose people - who to trust and who not. In fact, naivety precedes experience and is present at the moment when you do not know how to analyze the situation, all the previous experience, to see the person opposite. And there are two aspects here - firstly, we were not taught this in childhood; secondly, we want to completely trust the person (as if to become a child again, to imagine ourselves in my mother's arms and relax - my mother knows exactly how to organize our life, how to do this and that). However, childhood has passed, and there will never be a person next to you who you can completely trust. And now, already in a conscious adulthood, you understand that your mother could not be trusted everywhere, but it was thanks to your trust that you were able to survive. This is an important stage in human development, and you should not scourge yourself!

How is trust built? First, this is a risk - you try to trust, then you analyze the situation (why I trusted or could not do it; why it was not worth it; at what point it was possible to notice a catch, if there was experience). For example, let's say you lend money to a friend. After analyzing the current situation, you concluded: “Yes, you shouldn't have done it! It was necessary to notice that he already had a lot of debts, it was necessary to listen carefully when he talked about it, to notice that he began to drink, etc. There were some calls that could be projected on your situation - directly from his life or from your interaction, it was already possible to predict the further development of events.

Let me give you a personal example here. At one time I met with a guy who, after the first meeting, suddenly disappeared and did not get in touch for about a day. After this incident, our relationship developed quite well, but ended in about the same way as it began - the guy disappeared, "cutting off" the connection with me. What's the conclusion? Even then, I should have understood that his behavior is not a reason to break off relations, but with such a person everything is possible. Forewarned is forearmed - that's when you will not engage in self-flagellation because of the current situation, because you have foreseen everything and will be able to cope with this frustration (this is how you come to an agreement with yourself). Similarly, trust is formed in any other situation. However, in my example, I did not agree with myself, not realizing that such behavior was possible on his part, so I felt the excessive pain in full. And, nevertheless, I survived everything, survived and made the right conclusions.

According to many, there are a million real people and cases in the world who have been deceived - and this is true! But there is also a downside - honest and sincere people. Here are vivid and vivid examples from my life experience: a friend was pulled out a package with a lot of money, and a few days later they called and confessed, they wanted to return it; another friend registered the car for a neighbor, he died, but his relatives calmly reissued all the documents to the real owner. Why do such people meet? The fact is that they trust themselves, they can cope with their frustration, feelings, if suddenly they are abandoned, they trust another person and adequately assess the person they trust.

Consider this situation - you are marrying a good man and divorcing a moral monster. Who made your partner a freak and a goat? The situation when one of the partners in a pair, having the most unsightly image of a goat, is provoked by the behavior of the second partner, is very common. Relatively speaking, husband and wife are one Satan. And both have the same amount of aggression, just someone clearly broadcasts it, and someone provokes it (passive aggression). Accordingly, such an unconscious provocation to the partner's aggression ultimately leads to the fact that he creates obstacles in response - this is how betrayal and betrayal occur. What's the story here? The more the child in the family had aggression between mom and dad, child and mom, child and dad, child and grandmother, dad and grandmother, etc., the more he was saturated with this aggression, often passive (but he feels aggression like and the position of the victim). So, the more aggression there was, the more the child will identify aggression with love and use it in his adult relationships - so clearly and understandably, there is less anxiety and a greater sense of control (happiness and peace are incomprehensible for a person, he knows how to live in a world of aggression, but how to live well he does not understand, but for the psyche there is something new and dangerous). And the psyche decides: here, you see, I give one more confirmation - to believe someone is bad. Having received confirmation of their beliefs, a person does not believe anyone further.

How does your childhood affect your little trust (or lack) in your partner? Parents could not cope with their anxiety associated with trust and resentment, betrayal. The second point - you were not given enough love, respectively, now there is a feeling of lack of resources (I cannot share with others, give something, because I myself have little inside). The resource can be anything - and love, and material wealth, etc. supported, influenced the formation of a defense mechanism - you do not know what to do with grievances. They are directed inward, but you have not learned to unfold and work through them, to talk about them.

When we get burned, we remember - there is danger (this is how our psyche works). Accordingly, we try not to get into a similar situation anymore. However, the whole point is that you need to make an effort in order to rethink the situation and understand what exactly was the danger. Really now not to enter into a relationship if you were abandoned? Not falling in love if it hurt you when you broke up? No! You need to live, not try to survive!

How can you cultivate trust?

1. Learn to analyze your crisis situations, all the painful points when someone hurt you. It is necessary to conduct an analysis thoroughly - taking into account all the previous experience of relationships, including with parents.
2. Figure out where you could have done something to prevent this situation; understand that a person could act like this. Understand where you couldn't do anything and forgive yourself for it. Forgive and give yourself another chance to try. And more, and more, when you live - you definitely need a period of your internal rehabilitation.
3. Learn to give chances to other people - a limited number of chances, you don't need to forgive everyone all your life.
4. You must have an important inner skill, so it will be easier for you to trust others - your personality inside must be whole. When you know that you can deal with finances on your own, buy yourself flowers, go to some events, then there will be less resentment and feelings of betrayal on the part of your partner (“You can’t now - good! I’ll take care of myself, I can do it ! Yes, I expected you to do it, but you fail, so I will take it upon myself. It is unpleasant to get into a child's resentment, to experience disappointment and to experience the dramas “everything, come on, goodbye, you are no longer my friend”, but you need to assess the situation in full and analyze in detail (Was it really worth dramatizing like this or was it necessary to take responsibility?). There are situations when a partner is generally reliable, does everything for you all the time, but today he could not, or he has an apathetic and depressive state for a whole month. This is normal, and you need to be able to deal with it within yourself so that it doesn't hurt.
5. Learn to observe others. Take a notebook and write down the situation in detail - what he said, what he did, how he reacted, study the person's past. Many people want all attention to be paid to them, and this is because of a lack of love (the inner child runs and shouts: "What do I want? What do I want? I don't want you, I want me! Me!"). What is the paradox? You are not working on your trust skill, and thereby reducing the amount of love in your life.

The ability to trust should be based on your well-structured personality, where you yourself can functionally organize everything in your life.