2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Thinking about your own life is a skill that requires the same training as, say, public speaking or small talk. In my column, I share tips on how to talk to yourself. So, the first question.
Why?
There is no more meaningless question in human communication than "Why?"
- Why did you break up with N?
- Why did you change jobs?
- Why did you postpone the birth of children?
The answer to such a question is from the mind, not from the heart. And not even from the mind, but only from its appearance: rationalization, reasoning.
Is in Why? a kind of ruthlessness. If other questions give the interlocutor an idea, help to think, then "why?" Like, come on, give a brief summary of the previous episodes of your life. You are so smart, conscious, you probably understand the reasons for all your actions. And the answer to this "Why" will most likely be a "excuse": a short, secular, not conducive to further dialogue - whether with yourself or with your interlocutor - the official version of your life.
Questions that help the interlocutor mentally relive their story work much more effectively. Which give mental "clues" to find answers in memory about how everything really happened:
- After what events did you break up with N?
- For what purpose did you postpone the birth of children?
- What did your new job give you?
Someone will ask - what about the "Five Why" technique, which is quite well-known in business circles (the main task of the technique is to find the cause of a problem by repeating one question - "Why?". Each subsequent question is asked to answer the previous question).
In fact, this technique is not perfect at all. It is not suitable for understanding complex, systemic problems - the risks of confusing root causes with symptoms are too great. And there is a possibility that each of the interlocutors will look for an answer in their area of competence.
Therefore, every time, before asking yourself or someone “why”, do not take a moment to reflect: “I want to ask“why”. What purpose? And what part of the story is it really important for me to learn?"
Photo: Andrea Torres
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