How Fatherly Love Is Born

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Despite the fact that we are gradually moving away from the patriarchal distribution of functions and roles in the family, when raising children was considered an exclusively female parish, many men still find it difficult to give fatherhood - both at the functional level, and even more so at the emotional and psychological level.

For a long time, it was customary to believe that it is more difficult for a man (unlike a woman) to get involved in parenting and feel love for children, because he does not have an innate instinct to take care of offspring. As if the maternal instinct automatically assumed the lack of ability to take care of their children and emotional involvement in their upbringing from fathers. Of course, the mother, who wears under her heart for nine months and then breastfeeds, helps to tune in the baby, including hormones - oxytocin and prolactin.

But hormones and instincts play a far from leading role in shaping modern parenting behavior. The requirements for parenting and the image of the ideal mom and dad have changed with each new era. Today, the expectations from the mother and father involve not only ensuring the survival and taking care of the physical well-being of children, but also creating favorable conditions for the formation of psychologically healthy personalities.

WHY IS IT DIFFICULT FOR MEN TO INCLUDE DAD

Evidence from various modern studies suggests that feelings of affection and love for an infant arise as a result of an adult taking active and regular care of him. Since after the birth of a baby in most modern Ukrainian families, 90% of the time is spent with the mother, and the father, as a rule, is busy with work, then the fathers simply physically do not have enough time to make friends and become attached to the child.

A man does not have an instinctive need to pick up, kiss and touch a baby (unlike a woman whose maternal behavior is fueled by the pregnancy and lactation hormone - oxytocin, which is also called the hormone of hugs, love and affection). Therefore, the first time, when parents only have to learn how to pick up, feed, bathe, change diapers, dads usually do not strive to do this, for fear of harm. If a young family also lives with their parents, then the grandmother's active participation in caring for the baby may simply oust the dad from among those who take direct daily care of the baby.

The process of forming attachment in the dad to the baby can also be interfered with by the mother herself. Slowly dedicating the future dad to preparing for childbirth or choosing everything exclusively to your taste, making important decisions on your own (which stroller to buy, in which maternity hospital to give birth, whether to get vaccinated, whether to baptize the child, etc.), not letting the baby go, tugging, criticizing, scolding for every wrong step in caring for the baby, the mother may miss an important moment when her spouse might already begin to show interest and the need for active participation in the life of the baby.

Also, various stereotypes and social myths that parenting is not a man's business, that strong emotional involvement in the family only interferes with the image of a strong man, that buying diapers or washing a baby's butt can somehow be negative, still have a strong influence on paternal behavior. affect his father's masculinity.

HOW TO STIMULATE THE DATHER'S LOVE

Considering all these circumstances, which may interfere with the formation of a warm and caring contact between the dad and the child from the very infancy, it is important to create favorable conditions for the father to enter a new role and status.

Parental responsibility - for both mom and dad - begins long before the baby comes into this world. Family planning and mindful parenting is the first step towards responsible parenting. And these decisions should be made by the spouses jointly, and discussed even before the creation of the family. After all, if someone from a married couple has no desire to become a mom or dad, then it is naive to expect involvement and emotional involvement from a partner immediately with the onset of pregnancy.

A woman earlier begins to realize that she is already a mother, because her body gradually changed and adjusted to a new life for nine months. She physically senses her child long before she first picks it up. It is more difficult for dads in this regard - they first interact with the baby only after childbirth. Therefore, it is important to involve a man in contact with the baby even during pregnancy: go together for an ultrasound scan, invite him to listen to his heartbeat on CTG, touch his mother's belly while the baby is moving.

It is extremely important to involve a man in all aspects of preparing for the birth of a new life: buying clothes, choosing a maternity hospital, finding the right medicines, accompanying him to consultations in the residential complex, etc. It is good if the couple is attending parenting courses. This not only makes it possible to find out a lot of necessary information, but also helps the spouses to quickly become involved in the parenting role. After all, they will be able to discuss the acquired knowledge, jointly make decisions and choose their own educational strategy.

Partnership childbirth has a beneficial effect on the dad's involvement in the new status: the emotional experience that a man experiences during the birth of his child helps to treat both the newborn and his mother more consciously and carefully. If the dad is present at childbirth and has the opportunity to be directly involved (helping his wife in labor, communicating with doctors, making decisions with his wife, cutting the umbilical cord), then he is more likely to show emotional involvement in the baby from the very first days of fatherhood.

After returning home from the hospital, it is very desirable that the newly-made father had the opportunity to take leave from work, at least for a few days. The first days of a new family member's stay at home are special for everyone, in addition, a newborn mother will need help after giving birth, both at home and in caring for the baby. In addition, a woman in the postpartum period is especially vulnerable, so the presence and support of her spouse is simply necessary for her. Such physical and emotional participation of a man in caring for his family from the very first days will have a beneficial effect on his involvement in fatherhood and the birth of warm feelings for the baby.

It is best if the help that grandmothers can offer is aimed at household issues - making soup, going to the store, cleaning the floors, and not helping with the baby. Of course, the experience of the older generation in caring for a newborn can also be valuable to young parents, but only as a one-time example, and not as a regular duty. Otherwise, parenting functions will quickly be shared between mom and grandmother, and dad will be out of business. Even if the newly-born father does not succeed in changing a diaper or putting on a bodysuit, grandmothers definitely should not go over these tasks on themselves, and even more so criticize or reproach the young father for inexperience.

If the birth went well, and neither the mother nor the child needs special care, then it is best for parents not to resort to the help of third parties at all, but to try to cope with the new responsibilities on their own. After all, over time, the help will go away, and again it will be necessary to rebuild and get used to the new format and responsibilities. In addition, if you rely on each other from the very beginning, this strengthens the relationship and helps not to harbor false hopes and not to be disappointed in anyone.

It's good if dad has his own personal responsibilities for caring for the baby from the very first days, for example, an evening bath or massage. In this case, the mother needs to trust her partner. If she leaves the baby to dad or assigns some kind of task, then one should not recheck, control and stand "above the soul." Both mom and dad are absolutely equal in terms of responsibility for the child.

Many dads expect that they will have a desire to deal with children when they grow up a little, so that it is interesting: to play together, ride a bike, share experiences. But it is important to understand that this interest will never be as an adult. In order for an interest in a child to appear, it must be observed in dynamics: first, learn to interact with a baby who does not know how to do anything and does not give any feedback, then receive the first smiles in response, respond to humming, notice how the little man begins to recognize and rejoice when he meets. In order to see this, you need to be in daily contact, learn to notice halftones and shades, master a new language of views and intonations. It can be difficult, somewhere boring and routine, but it is important to make an effort - and then a man will be able to feel true love and affection for his children, and they, in turn, will endow him with feelings that he can never feel in a relationship with anyone else.