2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
According to statistics, families with one child prevail in Ukraine. The unstable socio-political situation and the financial issue stop many to decide on the second option. But for some, the main factor is psychological: fear of childhood jealousy, the inability to imagine how to share their love between children, the fear of becoming a “bad mother” in the eyes of the firstborn, their own beliefs formed in childhood that having a brother or sister is not the best experience for a child (as a rule, due to the experienced own jealousy).
Thinking about the birth of a second child, many parents ask anxious questions: "Can we cope?", "Will we pull it financially?", "How to share time and attention between children?" jealousy? " And these experiences are natural, because, in addition to the double physical and material load, the family also faces a new psychological task: the birth of a new family member greatly changes the already established format of life and relationships. This does not mean that it will certainly be difficult and difficult, but changes and previously unknown parental worries will overtake for sure.
Jealousy BETWEEN CHILDREN: IS IT NORMAL?
Jealousy between siblings (from the English "siblings" - children of the same parents), especially with a small age difference (up to five years), is a common and quite natural phenomenon. It is a mistake to believe that the fact of jealousy between children is the fault of the parents. Of course, a lot depends on the mother in establishing a connection between siblings. But definitely not all. Whether your first child becomes jealous of a younger brother or sister depends on many factors: the sensitivity of the child (there are children who are especially vulnerable and very much in need of close contact with their mother until school age), the nourishment of the first child (whether his basic needs for unconditional acceptance and care), the involvement of other family members in upbringing - dads, grandmothers, grandfathers (if the child was taken care of exclusively by the mother, then the likelihood of jealousy when the "younger" appears is much higher).
Observations show that jealousy tends to be stronger between children of the same sex. A lot also depends on the age difference: the likelihood of jealousy feelings is less in children with a difference of up to 2–2, 5 years, and also - with a large difference in age (more than 10 years). Many other factors also affect: the general psychological climate in the family, the health of children, their individual psychological characteristics, etc.
However, it is also impossible to deny the fact that the relationship between children while they live in the parental family, as well as the relationship of children with their parents, depend on the parents themselves. And if it is impossible to completely exclude the presence of jealousy in some situations, then the parents can definitely influence the degree of its severity and the intensity of this unpleasant feeling by the child.
REASONS AND OPTIONS OF JEALITY BETWEEN CHILDREN
What is child jealousy? This is a strong, unpleasant, difficult feeling that contains several emotions at the same time: a great fear of losing touch with a significant adult (usually a mother), anger at a younger sibling and / or at parents for his appearance, envy towards a brother or sister for the possession of what used to be given only to the first-born (attention, time, warmth, tactile contact, toys, etc.), doubts about the strength of affection with mom, resentment towards everyone and everything. And also - love and the need for intimacy. Generally speaking, jealousy is a child's reaction to a perceived threat to relationships with significant adults. When we observe childhood jealousy, this indicates that the child is afraid that he will be rejected or replaced. This is a signal that he is missing something in the existing relationship, and for some reason he doubts that the preponderance is on his side.
At the same time, the child is usually not aware of what he is feeling, and, accordingly, cannot voice his feelings and at least thereby alleviate his condition. In addition, all of the above emotions in our culture are still tabooed, considered "bad", "wrong", "vicious", which only aggravates the situation. In fact, all the feelings that we have are normal, useful, and have the right to live. We cannot forbid ourselves (or anyone else) to experience any emotions, much less to blame, blame or punish for them. We can learn to control how to express emotions, but it is definitely impossible to forbid them to experience.
Thus, experiencing the threat of connection and intimacy with his main adult, the child experiences a strong storm of feelings, which, moreover, he is not able to cope with in preschool or early school age purely physiologically (due to the immaturity of certain parts of the brain responsible for self-regulation).
Childhood jealousy can manifest itself in different ways: it can be directed at the sibling (and then the child can say something from the series: "Give him back", "I want her to die!", "He is bad!") Or to show aggression against parents (with the phrases “I don’t love you!”, “You are a bad mother!”) or demonstrative disobedience. There may also be a regression in development (begins to pee at night, sucking a finger, stops going to the potty), which is caused by an increase in the level of anxiety, as well as tearfulness, hysteria, aggressiveness, poor sleep and appetite, apathy. As you can see, childhood jealousy is not only about situations where children openly conflict. Jealousy (which, again, is based on anxiety for intimacy) can be expressed in a variety of somatic and behavioral ways.
HOW TO HELP A PRIVATE CHILD TO LIVE A JEALY FOR YOUNGER
To help your baby cope with this unpleasant feeling, you should realize that jealousy does not make either the baby or you bad. It is definitely not his fault that he needs intimacy with his mother, but it is the parent's responsibility to help him cope with this feeling, even if it has arisen, despite all the parental efforts and efforts to prevent it.
Of course, it is necessary to prepare an older child for the appearance of a brother or sister, inform about the upcoming replenishment as early as possible so that your first child has enough time to get used to this thought. At the same time, one should never ask a child's permission or "blessing" for the birth of a new family member: this decision is made exclusively by the parents, and the responsibility cannot be shifted onto the child in this matter. Talking about the imminent birth of a baby, one should not promise "mountains of gold": if you describe everything only in rainbow colors, then sooner or later your son or daughter will inevitably face disappointment and anger, because your children "play together" and "be friends" definitely not from the first days. Gradually prepare the older child for the realities of the future life: tell me how their way of life will change, describe what you will do with the baby, explain that newborns are completely helpless and therefore require a lot of attention. At the same time, constantly emphasize: despite the fact that the time and attention to the elder will probably be given less, they will not be loved less for sure.
With the arrival of the baby in the house, make sure that there are no fundamental changes for the older child: do not immediately move him to a separate room, do not give him to the garden, do not take away the space that is familiar to him. Be sure to come up with special rituals with the older child (no matter how old he is!) - this can be 10 minutes of talking in private every night over a cup of tea or reading a book before going to bed in an embrace. In this case, it is not the amount of time that is important, but your involvement and immersion in the elder.
Involve the older child in caring for the baby - let him have some simple responsibility to make him feel important and involved. At the same time, do not overload your first-born with the responsibilities, responsibility should always remain with adults - for everything, no matter what happens to children or between them. If the older child has not yet reached school age, do not leave him alone with the baby, even just in the next room - this is the number one safety rule.
In children's conflicts, when the younger is already growing up, never infringe on the rights of the older child with the phrases: "Give him back, he is small," "You are the elder, give up!" You must defend the interests of your children, regardless of their age and seniority. At the same time, it is important that the firstborn has not only the duties of an elder, but also privileges and advantages.
Remember, if you find manifestations of jealousy, in no case should you scold your child! Try to see in this unpleasant feeling the call of love, love for you - parents. And if one of the children asks the question: “Who do you love more?”, The most correct answer is “I love you - like an older child. And your brother / sister is like a younger one. These are different feelings, but equally strong."
Recommended:
In The Absence Of Children In Marriage, I Believe It Is Quite Possible To Get Divorced. If You Have Children, You Need To Think Hard
Source: ezhikezhik.ru Is it possible to swear in front of a child, do children adopt parental models of behavior, what to do if you want to get a divorce, and do you need to live with a husband who yells and humiliates? Family and child psychologist Katerina Murashova reports.
Relationship Boundaries: How To Define And Maintain Them? And How Can You Maintain Your Relationship?
In my opinion, each of us should remember that we are not born with instructions for use, we do not walk with it, carved on the forehead, therefore other people tend to cause us inconvenience: to say what we are not ready to hear; call when we are already / still sleeping;
Relationship Between Parents And Children
Parents often do not quite correctly respond to the behavior and words of their children. Probably, the essence of parent-child relations is in a certain hierarchy, which is more like not respect, but arrogance, authoritarianism, "I am higher, and you, a child, are lower.
The Law Of Balance. How It Works In Relationships With Friends. And How Between Children And Parents
Universal Rules of Happiness Let's start with the First. 1. The Law of Balance. Pay attention and time, and do only what benefits, first of all, YOU. The # energy expended should bring energy in return. Energy is measured by emotions, money, time and much more.
They Don't Hear Me. The Relationship Between A Man And A Woman. Relationship Psychology
All the problems and difficulties that arise in a relationship with a partner should always be spoken out loud. However, many of you are faced with a situation where this approach does not work - your partner simply does not hear you, and because of this, an annoying powerlessness arises.
