2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
There is an opinion in society that men cheat more in relationships. And a man cheats just like that, and a woman for love. And this is the first myth. Because all of us, both men and women, are by nature latently polygamous and modern statistics say that, on the contrary, more than 60% of married women and 50% of married men had affairs on the side during the first 5 years of marriage.
What are the reasons for treason? They are very multifaceted, this is emotional or sexual dissatisfaction, high expectations from a partner, psychological complexes, etc., but no matter how cheating looks, there is always pain, disappointment, resentment behind it. After all, we are all entering into a relationship, the last thing we assume is treason.
And now I want to describe to you the very essence of treason. Where it starts from. When a couple is created, it is created as a dyad, a kind of union of two, in which there is no place for anyone else. Remember the initial relationship, you spend hours together, you feel good, you don't need anyone else, everything is fine in this relationship, the whole world is wearing pink glasses and unicorns.
Further, the relationship of the couple develops in one direction, and let's say the couple has a child, and the couple turns from a dyad into a triad, that is, a certain third appears in these relationships and very often it is during this period that a crisis of relations arises.
Why? Often a woman is busy with a child, everyday life, she gets tired, does not get enough sleep, the hormone prolactin, which is responsible for breastfeeding, inhibits sexual desire. A man at this time wants affection, love, he is used to dyadic relationships, he is used to being needed and significant, not getting what he always had and what there is a natural need for (and I'm not talking about the natural need for sex now, I say, about the natural need to be needed and loved), he begins to look for filling the deficit and a second third, or rather the second, appears in the relationship, which takes over the compensatory function of the couple.
The second example, again a couple - a dyad, romance, a wedding, a honeymoon, then everything gets in its own way, each of the partners returns to their usual course, for example, if before the romantic period the partner worked late and built a career, after the expiration of a certain period he returns to her habits, the partner, for example, does not work during this period or does not work so zealously, and now you have a job like some third in the dyad. One of the partners begins to feel unnecessary, unloved, unwanted, she feels that she has been changed to something else and she again needs compensation, a feeling of need, love and importance, and now a third appears in her life that will fill the deficit in the couple's relationship.
And here I think it becomes clear to you that the third always appears as the creation of a couple, he comes with the tacit consent of both partners and performs a compensatory substitute function for the couple. What is most interesting is that if a couple breaks up, then in almost all cases, relationships with lovers will also break up.
So, many paint their relationship before the betrayal as ideal and then doubly angry with the partner who destroyed this whole idyll, but in betrayal, no matter how we like, both partners are complicit, this is an indicator of a deep conflict in the relationship of the couple, where it is the pair that breaks down, and not a specific traitor or traitor, and it is not the traitor / traitor who needs to be repaired, but a couple, if of course there is a desire and strength for this.
And here we smoothly approached the question, what to do with the betrayal, whether to forgive the traitor, how to live with him further, is it even possible?
And here the answer has several variations. First, do you understand why the betrayal happened? What is the crux of the problem? Do you realize that in some way you are as involved in cheating as your partner. If such thoughts are not permissible for you, then most likely nothing will come of it.
Second, if you are ready to continue living with the traitor, but you will remember his story for the rest of your life, each time telling him that he cannot be trusted, that it would be better if you left him then - better leave now, because in such a relationship you will torture and partner and yourself. And sometimes it is more useful to throw out a suitcase without a handle, the more it will pull the rest of its life. At this difficult moment, I would recommend contacting a specialist so that he will live with you your pain of loss and loss of relationships, give you the strength to go further into the world of new relationships.
If you are still ready to try to stay, then you have some serious work ahead of you. Since this will not be a single, but a pair work
A couple can survive cheating only in a couple, and only after discussing and understanding the reasons for cheating, having done work on the mistakes of the relationship that led to this, the desire to work together on the relationship can save the couple.
The couple must understand that working on mistakes will be very painful, that the couple will need to discuss all those moments that prompted them to go to the side and these moments will be unpleasant.
I recommend that you go through this period together with a family psychotherapist, since the reasons for cheating do not always float on the surface and when faced with cheating you will most likely face a bunch of all sorts of accompanying things - shame (you will be ashamed of having cheated on you, and for that that you, apparently, are not good enough), guilt (that if I were not caring enough, then this would certainly not have happened to you), a feeling of uselessness, fear that cheating will happen again, distrust of your partner - and that's it it is certainly better to work with a specialist.
After working out the reasons for treason, the couple will need to learn to hear each other's desires, find the key to a new relationship that broke at the previous stage and talk, talk about what each partner wants, what is important for everyone in the relationship, what to like, what I don't like what I would like to change, what I would like to try and, of course, learn to trust the partner again, without trust this boat will not sail further.
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