2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-12 20:57
Sometime in infancy, my closest and dearest people left me. Then I still did not know how to walk, but I could see, feel and feel. Here are my mom and dad and suddenly once, and they are not. Despair, fear, my own worthlessness - feelings that I can define today.
And then … My parents were students and came for the weekend, and then went to study in another city. But how to explain to a ten-month-old child that the departure of the parents was a forced measure and had nothing to do with the child himself!
It took time and the help of a psychotherapist to help me deal with my childhood trauma. Today I am a grown woman and I don’t despair if someone didn’t answer me or ignored my feelings. Today I am in contact with my own feelings and can accept them. But it was not always so. And when it was different, I felt bad.
This "bad" is called the trauma of the abandoned (abandoned). It will influence many of our reactions and actions until we face the traumatic event and are healed.
How to tell if you have an abandoned trauma:
You are writing a message to a loved one. This person is dear to you. And he doesn't answer you. Hour, second, third.
No, you are not drawing in your head images of the most terrible events that could have happened to him. You begin to feel an incredible sense of your own uselessness and abandonment.
The world appears in the darkest colors. Nothing pleases you more. You are faced with one task, to get an answer from a person. You want to see evidence that you have not been abandoned. And write another message. In response, silence. You write more and more.
You feel your own powerlessness. The fear of being abandoned is activated in you. The fear is so obvious that the hands begin to shake, it grows cold in the stomach and squeezes in the chest area. To cope with these feelings, you try to re-establish contact with the one who "left" you again and again.
You call, but your call is dropped. Anger and even rage appears. Finally, you are answered. You are trying to explain why it is important for you to be answered. But it seems that at the other end they do not understand you and your feelings. You are not so scared anymore. The object of your love is in touch and this means that he did not leave you. What was required to get!
Outside of consciousness, there is a vague feeling that you are not loved. You are used to it. It is important for you that you love. And you know how to love. And love. You arrange holidays, make pleasant surprises, show miracles of skill. Take care and love as if you want to prove to this person "I am worth something in your life! You can love me. I ask you, do not leave me! Once again I will not survive this!"
The one you love with all your usual zeal will gladly accept your love. But somehow without much enthusiasm. It hurts you, but not as badly as if he left you. You can exist in this mode for many years.
It seems that your love begins to be "close" to him. He seems to be with you. But at the same time far away. His body walks, lives nearby, and his feelings are somewhere in an unattainable distance from you. It hurts you and brings you the most unhappy feelings. It is easier for you to endure when a loved one is far from you than to endure his "departure" from you when he is near.
Inexpressible flour! He is nearby, you can touch him. But he is not! You feel abandoned twenty-four hours a day, three hundred sixty-five days a year. The Inquisition with its torture cannot be compared with such mental anguish!
These painful feelings are sometimes so unbearable that you have to choose life without him. To keep yours. Therefore, you unconsciously begin to strive to ensure that your loved one leaves your life. And then the most unpleasant events begin to happen. The person really leaves. You file for divorce, he agrees. You kick him out of the house, he obediently leaves. And yet, he can start drinking, go to his mistress, get sick and die.
And that's when you can breathe a sigh of relief. Now you can be calm, there is no one next to you who could say: "I am leaving you!" For you did it first!
You are alone. But your loneliness is a necessary measure. It saves you from another misfortune, to be abandoned …
We all want to be loved
And if not, then they admired us, And if not, then they were terrified, If not, they hated and despised us.
We strive to awaken feelings in the soul of our neighbor, no matter what.
The soul shudders before the void
And longs for contact at any cost.
H. Soderberg
Your psychologist, Olga Fedoseeva
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