2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-12 20:57
I continue the series of articles on why relationships are breaking down. The first one can be viewed here, and today we'll talk about the second reason:
Man and his pain. This is a very important point that many people do not understand. They ask me if there are evil people? My answer is no. All people are initially good, but there are people with severe pain inside. The pain can sleep, or it can wake up.
Have you interacted with the person when they are in severe or prolonged pain? Perhaps then you know how irritable this person can be, even if he is usually very kind. Heartache affects us in the same way. Every person: both a child, an adult, and an old man can be overtaken by this ailment - his personal deep pain. Then they say: a person is not in himself, he is jammed, hacked, incurred, moved, drove, and experts will say that this is a state of passion - in general, a person experiences a darkening of his mind for a while and his traumatic experience speaks in him.
Attacking, blaming, using you-messages is a way to unleash pain in each other and make it speak for you. And now it is not He and She who communicate, but Two Pains. A person in this state can commit insults and destructive actions, which can cause separation.
Read more: behavior in a quarrel
Discrimination. If a person believes in the words spoken in emotion as "truth", this reaction destroys the relationship. Although sometimes he could skip a deaf ear, not attach much importance, realizing that a person is not himself. As a blow, you can take it into your body and try to stop its force, or you can dodge so that it goes into the air. To do this, you need to shift your point of view. To discover that it is not the person who is speaking now, but his pain. Knowing who is at the helm will help you avoid serious mistakes that destroy relationships.
Does this mean that you need to "rub everything to the nose"? No. You have the right to take care of yourself in the best possible way, if necessary - to keep a safe distance. It is useless to simply argue and give reasonable reasons to a partner in this state. This can awaken your pain and drag you into a conflict in which there will be no winners.
Each of us has been in such a state, ever. Sometimes you have to regret what you have done when you come to your senses. This is the second reason why you shouldn't make breakup decisions in the heat of the moment. Instead, let yourself cool down and make your decision with a cool head. In sound mind and memory.
A person gripped by pain may wonder at what he did or said, be embarrassed by it, blame himself. However, self-condemnation does not lead to a constructive resolution of the situation. If it does damage, it is important to apologize for what was superfluous, for the damage caused. Cancel offensive words and actions that hurt your partner. If necessary, correct, compensate for damage, if possible. These actions will help prevent the accumulation of negative emotions and deterioration of communication.
Example. The husband did not congratulate him on his wedding anniversary, and his wife said in a rush that he didn’t give a damn, he was cloven-hoofed and she was filing for divorce. If you take this at face value, you can actually end up with a divorce. Although he can discern that it is not his wife who is talking, but her pain, and decide to temporarily distance himself, not taking the wife's words to heart. The wife, having come to her senses, in turn can apologize for the insult, say that she really does not think that he does not give a damn, mention when she noticed his care. And also that she doesn't really want a divorce.
At the same time, this does not negate the fact that it hurt her when her husband did not congratulate her on her anniversary. You don't need to give up your feelings and ask for forgiveness for them too, otherwise it will be self-suppression and can lead to repeated breakdowns. Feelings need to be expressed, you can talk to your partner in the form of "I-messages", which will help him to perceive what was said not as an attack, but as a request for assistance, care and constructively resolve the situation.
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