2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
95% of the problematic behavior of children is rooted in the lack of proper relationships with adults who are responsible for the child or in the psychological immaturity of the child
Problem behavior, whatever it is, is the tip of the iceberg. To be cured of something, we must first find out what kind of disease we are dealing with. You can, of course, endlessly drink pills that remove the symptoms. But, is it necessary?..
So it is with behavior. All of our reactions are usually directed towards what we see, symptoms. So what's the point in influencing them? Wouldn't it be better to try to understand what exactly caused it?
Well, another question. Immaturity of the child.
Unfortunately, most of the demands of society completely ignore the psychology of child development.
In the Middle Ages, children were painted as little adults and they believed that children are practically adults, all that is needed for them to become adults to the end is just to feed them, and that's it!
The Middle Ages are long over. And in society there is still little reliable information about what a child's brain is generally capable of and not capable of.
It's easy for us to accept a child's physical immaturity. When a child is born, we know that his digestive system is not yet sufficiently developed, there are no teeth. First, we feed him with milk, then we make mashed potatoes. We do not immediately give the child raw carrots and do not blame him for not being able to eat them.
But this is how we behave when we do not take into account the mental development of the child.
✔️ For example, the prefrontal cortex of a child's brain begins to function only from 5-7 years old, in especially sensitive children and from 9 years old. (But there are developmental delays, for example, juvenile delinquents have been found to have developed their prefrontal cortex at the age of 4 years. To put it bluntly, they simply cannot control themselves, even if they really want to.)
This means that it is natural for children of this age to be:
✔️ unbalanced (impulsive, short-sighted, unreliable, self-righteous, etc.), ✔️ inattentive (too straightforward, self-centered, stubborn, etc.), ✔️ have problems with separation i.e. with parting with loved ones to whom the child is attached.
✔️The child does not yet have integrative thinking, at one unit of time the child can be possessed by only 1 thought, one impulse, one emotion, one feeling.
(Imagine when you experience some very strong emotions that they completely take over you, for example, you are very angry. At such moments, your brain can hardly accept any other, even reasonable information. Is it not? In children, we can say this is constant).
A few examples for clarity:
- A child, when angry, forgets that he loves his mother. Therefore, when we are angry with him, it is difficult for a child to believe that at this moment we love him.
- If a child is passionate about something, then he simply does not hear us or resists other influences (I recently wrote about this).
- If we agreed with the child that we will go somewhere, only if he himself will go and not ask for pens, and then after 10 minutes he will cry and say that he is tired. He has the right to do so. Children cannot think ahead.
- The age-old situations in the sandbox: "Give it back, you're not a greedy person. You need to share. Share, otherwise they will not be friends with you. Good children share." etc. For a child, the understanding of all this will be limited by a single thought: a typewriter (for example) must be given. And why, why and how to behave in other situations - all this will not be reflected in the mind of the child.
- To do so in order to get something from another - such a complex thought mechanism is also inaccessible to a child.
- Well, logical thinking begins to form by the age of 7 … Therefore, no matter what reason we give, the child simply cannot understand them. It may seem to you that the child understood you, but this understanding will be very far from the essence that you wanted to convey to the child.
The topic can be continued for a long time and the volumes can be a whole book.
The main thing to remember:
❤️Relationship comes first.
❤️We must take into account the immaturity of the child.
❤️If we want our child to grow up and become a mature, independent person, able to fulfill his potential, the plan of action is very simple - create a relationship in which the child will feel unconditionally loved, accepted, and will feel safe.
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