HELP OUT OF DEPRESSION

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Request from the client: help to get out of depression.

A man is solid, clearly formulates thoughts, looks confident, in tone of voice, in outward manifestation - it does not at all look like he is depressed.

Therefore, I clarify what “depression” means to him.

K: "Loose, there is no core that was before."

I specify the activation time of depression: “Before, when is this? What happened?"

K: “The owner of our company has changed. The new owner brought his gene. directors, they began to try their different ideas, I argued with them, tried to prove that they were wrong.

What can I say … I got fired."

- Firing from work is stress in itself. Specify exactly when did the depression appear?

K: “As reported, they are being fired. I have worked for the last 2 weeks, and since then I have been. It's been 3 months now.

From the first day of my dismissal, I have been looking for a new job, so far with no result.

There is money now, but if it continues to drag on, it will be bad. Wife, children, you have to pay various expenses”.

I check the emotional tension of the state of "depression", I ask: "How do you feel depression?"

K: "In a bad mood."

Please describe this condition in more detail.

The client is silent. He cannot identify his feelings. It's just "bad and that's it."

Since this is just a word by which a person himself understands SOMETHING about his condition - in order to help me as a psychologist, it is necessary to clearly understand exactly what he really has.

I clarify what kind of condition he has - is it really depression, or maybe something else: I ask questions regarding physical bodily sensations.

K: “I have a breakdown. Yes, I go and do things. But as if at a dead end. General lethargy.

I am a strong-willed person. Every day I get up clearly, open job sites,

I proofread, clarify the working conditions by phone, send my resume, go to interviews”.

Then I ask the client to describe more precisely the problematic, his own feelings, in view of the fact that at the level of actions, judging by the description, everything is in order.

K: “I feel kind of lousy on the inside. And now I look at vacancies, go to interviews. But either they are offered as an ordinary employee - and I have already grown up from adolescence, or a managerial position, but they pay little or the industry is not the same.

For all the time there were four options - where the vacancy suited me, but I was not hired.

I know why they didn't. This is due to the fact that it is in moral decline. I don’t show it outwardly, but I think HR managers feel it - that when a man comes to get a job in a leadership position, while he doesn’t feel confident himself, then what kind of leader is he?”

I note that the client has already found for himself the “reason” why things are not going well.

Here it is important to understand where he got such an idea, as well as how he himself relates to this.

I ask: “How did you determine that this is exactly what you think? Did HR managers tell you about this?”

K: “No, they didn't. I know from experience. I myself have hired people many times. And I wouldn't hire myself like that now.”

I ask the client to assess myself: "This is what?"

K: "Sluggish and uncollected."

So, in the process, it was determined that the negative assessment of oneself was taken from the experience of hiring employees. It is clear that the client sees the problem in himself and calls it - clearly not in order to justify himself, or for similar reasons. He is not looking for excuses, but looking for solutions.

So there is something else.

I ask a leading question: “How do you like it that you are“so sluggish and uncollected”at the interview?

K: "Sucks."

Then, word by word, we come out on the topic of the client's guilt for failure. And for the fact that he was generally fired from his job, and the fact that for 3 months he cannot find a new good one.

Large-scale wines are also a marker of a decline in energy. She's a great power drawer. And at the same time, confidence. Lethargic and unassembled, as he defined himself, is a potential reason why they were not hired according to his level of specialization.

What triggers the blame? We are looking for activating factors. I do a number of checks on external conditions: maybe he is driven by the money issue (money is running out), maybe his wife is nagging (that she cannot find a job for a long time) or something else.

It turns out that there is enough money, there is quite a decent financial reserve, it will be enough not to work for almost a year. The wife treats with understanding and supports him (the client hears the message from her: “do not rush, you will find the job that suits you”).

In fact, the client "wets" himself.

In this particular case, there is self-flagellation for failure.

To the question "why should you treat yourself like that?" - the client immediately issued a lot of diverse options:

- It sucks when there is no work for a long time - I wander around the apartment from corner to corner.

- Boring, unusual, I don't know what to do with myself.

- I am an active person. When there is no activity for a long time, then there is a breakdown.

- You will also have to save money for time - you will not go to rest with your wife.

- And also …

And so there are more than a dozen reasons.

Moreover, the client himself believes that THIS is the reason: no work - inactivity - boredom - loss of energy. And therefore he is sluggish and uncollected. Those. problem due to lack of work.

But when he is sluggish and unassembled: you will not get a decent job for his skill level.

Vicious circle.

Therefore, a man tries to do something at home while looking for a job - he does minor repairs, he fixes everything that can be fixed, he did other unfinished business - he washed the car, cleaned it, and so on. The garage is already cleaned and licked.

In a conversation, the client himself urges me “to the decision” - just as soon as he occupies himself with something, he will not become lethargic, and then he will be hired. The client reports that when “I’m distracted by work, it makes me feel better”.

And he even offers to look for solutions within the limits of his assumption - and maybe I still have something to find something to do?

My task is to expand the area of view on the issue. The problem is not found not at the level of behavior, and any solutions found at the behavioral level will fail.

While the client sees the situation only from the prism: depression due to the fact that he is sitting idle - and therefore lethargy, then a solution is sought on the topic of how to do this: occupy yourself with something, look through more resumes, go to interviews more, even if the vacancy is immediately unattractive - and so on.

I begin to expand the client's perspective on the issue.

- Let's clarify. He said that your lethargy began from the moment you were informed that they were firing. But you still go to work for 2 more weeks, that is, you were busy. So lethargy appeared long before you started sitting at home?

The client thinks about it. And he says, "Yes."

- It was since then that you began to blame yourself?

K: "Yes."

- Speak the text of the internal dialogue. How did you sound that you were saying to yourself?

K: “Well, why did I quarrel with the management, why one, the second, the third.

If I did this, then everything would be fine. Well, yes, the work was tense … but overall it was good. I am a recognized leader, a good specialist in my industry, status, money, everything is set up, adjusted”.

In describing the situation with the client, I, as a coach, note:

First - search for a solution exclusively at the level of behavior.

But the roots of the problem and it itself (the fault) is not at this level, which means that the solution must be sought at other levels.

Second - looks at the situation as a result. Accordingly, he evaluates himself from the result.

Apparently, this is typical for the client in life.

I ask him and get confirmation - yes, he always treats himself like that. Assessing yourself solely by results. Happened / failed and lost or won.

The reasons for self-assessment of oneself, patterns of behavior, self-identification of oneself with results always have roots in childhood.

Therefore, I offer the client two options:

Option 1. Work on your attitude towards yourself, towards success, towards defeat / victory.

And, thus, to change the view on this situation and in general on all similar ones.

This request is approximately for 4-7 sessions.

To work with childhood, polarities, transfer of self-identification to other (external) supports. This will change globally the view and attitude towards oneself.

Option 2. Work exclusively with this particular situation.

I offer the client two options - strategic global (requiring more time) and tactical - to resolve this specific issue.

After listening, the client says that "this would be solved now, the rest - maybe later, the main thing is to get out of depression."

Next, we work with a vision of this particular situation.

What I see here:

1. The vision and the very assessment of the situation only from the point of view of the result.
2. As a result, the client concentrates only on the cons.

For him, this situation is assessed as a loss.

And therefore there is an element of self-flagellation - "how did I screw up so?"

Judging by the answers, such an assessment was immediately from the moment when he learned that he was being fired.

Further, week after week, while the work on his level was not found, then self-flagellation increased in scale.

By itself, self-flagellation (guilt) gives a lowered vitality.

But guilt is just a consequence.

While the client looks at the situation of changing jobs and looking for a new one - as a loss, then self-flagellation will be in full swing.

My task is to help the client change his view on this case.

The wife's support and faith in him did not help the client, which means that my support will be useless to the client.

It is necessary to find a resource IN HIM, a fulcrum that will give a different vision.

First, with leading questions, I take him out of the zone “looking for only cons” into a holistic perception.

- If there is something positive in this situation with dismissal, then what could it be?

The client first actively protests and cites a bunch of disadvantages. That she's all bad and nothing more. A bunch of hemorrhoids, a bunch of problems.

That is, the client still turns in the direction of a negative assessment of the situation, and most importantly, himself in it, and with this self-flagellation appears.

This one-sided view. I suggest that the client replace it with a more holistic one, see what can be good in this situation.

Therefore, I continue to ask questions of the form:

"If there is still a positive essence in this situation, then what could it be?"

And gradually the client directs his gaze towards the advantages of the situation.

-K: “New job - new position, everything is different. This is a test of strength, can I?"

- And what else?

The man thinks about it, and names two more positive aspects of the issue.

And although the client has partially left the position of a purely negative view of the situation, nevertheless, for the time being, it is the negative assessment that predominates.

The fact that there are pluses is already good, for a start. So far, we have not found something significant that will directly sharply unfold the view of the situation.

I ask a number of questions to broaden the outlook on the situation.

To the question: "Was there any experience in the past, when at first it seemed that it was bad, but then it turned out well?"

Answers: "Yes, with my second job."

We work via Skype, only the client's head and shoulders are on the screen - I see that the client has straightened out a little more, his voice has become firmer in tone.

I don't know what these words mean to him, but they instantly charged him.

Please tell me in more detail.

K: “There was a vacancy at another firm that offered a higher salary.

I agreed with my leadership, they understood me. He said goodbye to his colleagues and left amicably.

At the new job, it turned out that the position was not quite the same, other job responsibilities.

In the team, it is not clear who is responsible for what, there is no clear sequence of actions. There was a lot of confusion, everything was loose. The leader gives conflicting instructions.

The mess is complete. And I really don't like that.

Every day I go to work, as soon as I come - the mood is “shitty”.

A mess, no words. I'm on probation, getting paid less than my previous job.

I can't return to my previous job - they have already taken another person in my place. And it's a shame to come back.

For a couple of months I thought I was in a hurry to change jobs. In the past, there were comfortable conditions”.

- So what happened then?

K: “I understood the specifics and nuances of the case, structured it, conducted an analysis and what depended on me - did it to work better. Knocked out a pay rise.

Then the boss changed, a new one, he saw that I was smart - he took me as deputy.

Then things started to go - our division began to give a greater turnover, at the same company I went further up the career ladder."

- Excellent. Now summarize what you said in a whole series of sentences, and put it in 1-2 sentences, in fact - how can you say this?

K: “It was hard for me at the beginning. But I was able to change the situation. And as a result, everything changed for the better."

To find an internal resource, I switch the client from the description of the situation to his personality.

- What were you like at that moment in time that you managed to achieve success in the end?

K: “Solid. Stubborn. Charged with a challenge."

- What helped you switch from a bad mood to an active, active state?

The client thinks a little and answers: “I said to myself: Stop whining, dismiss the nuns. A grown man. Stop thinking about your previous job. The past cannot be returned. It's hard, it's a mess - pull yourself together and do something about it.”

- What is the most important thing in perception, did it change inside you then that you began to actively act?

K: “I looked at my new job as a challenge. I set myself a task - but I'm weak?"

- So, to summarize:

1. Switch from the past to the present.
2. See the situation as a challenge.
3. Stubbornly move towards the goal.

So?

K: "Yes, that's right."

What emotions did you feel when things went well?

K: “Emotions? … Joy. Oh, yes. I was proud! I did manage. I managed. Perseverance decides."

Great, in the client experience map there is a successful experience with overcoming difficulties, with a bad mood and self-flagellation, which ended successfully.

Now, in order to transfer resource words and skills from the past to the present and integrate it into the current situation, I ask the client to make a mini technique.

We take the situation with his second job and walk in 5 steps:

Step 1 - work at the first job, before dismissal, the time to determine whether to move to a new job.

2nd step - the first days at a new job.

3rd step - the stage of switching when it started to act.

4th step - the first significant changes.

5th step - after a couple of years.

The client clearly shows the property of the psyche - to look at situations with a momentary cut, as a result.

My task is to develop the situation in dynamics, i.e. see not individual situations, but a whole series of situations with a causal relationship. Switch from an effective vision to a process vision.

At each step I ask questions like: “What were you like at that moment? What qualities did you manifest? What did you think? What did you want? What the motivation was. All questions are at the level of values and identity (not actions).

Detailed walking of each step is necessary to expand the zone of awareness, and so that the steps are separated within the client as separate stages.

At the 4th step, energetically charged resource words for the client “Solid. Persistent. Brave. Bold. Strong. Believing in yourself. Moving towards the goal. I don’t care, I’ll reach the end”- I write it down.

At the end, when the client was at the 5th step, I ask him now from the height of the 5th step and the situation that came out as a result of everything - to look at the first step, when he was just working at his first job and was just thinking about changing jobs.

- How is the first one seen from the 5th step? What is the difference? Was it worth it? What is important and valuable as a result of this path? What was in the beginning and what was in the end?

I ask you to shorten the received answers in order to bring them to the point.

K: “In the beginning there was a job that had no room to grow. At the end, the rise in skills, knowledge, skills, position”.

- Great, seeing this situation unfolded in time, tell me how do you see the situation of 1 step now? If this look is expressed in a few capacious words, how would it sound?

The client thinks and says: “I look at it as a way out to a new level. Transition to the next stage of development”.

I ask the client the resources found in step 4 (Firm. Persistent. Bold …) and the perspective from step 5 to bring in the current moment in time.

I ask: “How do you feel? And how does your situation with dismissal and looking for a new job look like now?”.

K: “The mood has risen. I feel good. Confident.

I look at job search as a challenge. I can. I'm strong.

That's it, I understand now. This is a transition to a new stage of development”.

I ask him to continue a little more, with resources and vision, to consolidate the state.

K: “The situation is working. There is money, there are options, there will be a new job.

Yes, I've already outgrown my old job. There is nowhere to develop either by position or by salary, and the new owner of the business began to do nonsense.

So it may be that good that such a thing happened. I tried to arrange the work so that everything worked like a clock, they didn’t listen to me, they don’t want clarity. This is their business.

I did everything I could."

- In fact, you contributed to your dismissal? Do I understand correctly that if you didn’t say anything and didn’t try to change the situation for the better, then you would not be fired?

K: “Yes, I don't like mess. And even more so when they began to rebuild the established process and generally began to blame the case. I can't work like that."

- Could you sit and be silent?

K: - “No. Not by nature to me. I can’t give freebies, do anyhow, for show. I am always rooting for the result. I did everything right. Or to set up the work or if the owner does not need this, then this work is not for me.

Thanks, helped. I feel good now."

I ask the client to summarize the results of our work in the form of realizations: what he understood, how his vision changed:

K: “I wasn’t fired because I’m a bad boss. The new owner was not competent in this industry and led the company into the abyss. Well, I could not stand aside and watch the collapse of the company, and therefore disagreed with the owner.

Therefore, he argued, showed and proved the gene. to the director and owner that their new ideas and business restructuring are hasty and abrupt. The idea looks beautiful on paper, but not everything will work as intended.

Okay, what's there about them.

Well, this is life. Let them continue to bring down the firm, but without me.

I want to work where the management is committed to order, professionalism and efficiency, where they are interested in strengthening and developing the company."

- How do you look at the dismissal now?

K: “They didn’t decide to fire me out of trouble, it was I who acted there on purpose.

I argued with the owner because I am rooting for the cause, standing on the sidelines is not for me. I am a good leader”.

- How does a job search look to you now?

“As a transition to a new level of development. Like a challenge. It is interesting.

A cheerful mood. Finding a job is not a question. Thanks!"

This is where we are done.

The client himself ignored high moral values (loyalty, honesty, perseverance, root for a common cause) because he concentrated on the result (dismissal).

The man considered a negative result as a defeat, a shame.

All this together caused self-flagellation. The guilt took away the vitality - that's the depression.

Looking at dismissal as a process (dismissal as a puzzle for something bigger) gives a completely different picture of perception.

Here the work went in finding resource (charged) states, their client took from the past successful experience of overcoming a difficult situation.

To do this, I helped the client switch from the behavioral level to the level of values and identity (it is important not WHAT the man did at that second job, but WHAT he WAS).

With a new sense of "I" - the person and actions will be with a different attitude.