Five Steps To A Better Life

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The most important thing in my coaching practice is to teach the client to work with emotions. Feel them, track, understand what kind of emotions he is experiencing (in this case, "he" is equal to the client, so let's leave the masculine pronoun), see their reason and, ultimately, turn them around to your advantage. If you were surprised by the phrase "feel emotions", I will say right away that when I ask about what a person feels in a session, in 95% of cases I see a lack of understanding of the question itself. Answers range from “I don’t know,” “I never thought about it,” “I don’t feel anything,” to “What, you have to feel something”? Yes, you must definitely feel something, and if this is not the case now, then your "signal system", emotions, is most likely blocked, there is no connection between the body, mind and feelings, and the consequences of this can relate to both physical, bodily health and mental health. I have already written about the metaphysics of diseases and psychosomatics, and many have written, in the most condensed form it boils down to the fact that ignoring negative emotions and the absence of attempts to translate them into positive in any way ends in illness (leads to illness, if you like), and this is just as true as the fact that changing the way of feeling (and way of thinking) leads to recovery or to avoidance of the disease in principle. If we want to drive safely on the roads, we study the rules of the road, and if we need to talk to foreigners, we learn another language, which also has a set of certain rules, but we do not know the rules of how to deal with our own psyche, and more often We do not want to know everything and we don’t want until something happens that makes you think hard, “Am I going there,” here the list is quite simple: divorce, debts, losses, serious illness, sometimes damage to property. What we feel always depends on what we think, and what we think is determined by our deep attitudes - what we believe in, and until the deep attitudes are changed (the so-called "causal plane" or "the plane of causes "), It is a little naive to hope that by simply repeating affirmations about" I am rich, healthy and happy "we will change something in our life, although I do not deny that this can also work.

The essence of the coaching theory, as I and my associates imagine it, boils down to a very simple postulate: “If you want to change your life (switch to another line of life, get another reality, live differently), you need to feel like this, as if you are already living the life you want. The most important thing is to feel. Not “write a list,” not “repeat affirmations,” not “think about it sometimes,” but just feel. “It's so simple!”, You say, and you will be right and wrong at the same time. Right, because it's really simple, and wrong, because let's start from the beginning and figure out how you feel now and whether you know how to handle your feelings correctly.

In general, the practice “Imagine yourself in the life you want to live and feel what you feel at the same time” is amazingly effective if everything is in order with your “feeling”, because it helps to set priorities correctly. Most people, for various reasons, try to draw their happy future with the help of a brain, which, in principle, is not intended for this purpose, it is just a machine for recording experiences and very often a socially oriented machine. Roughly speaking, the brain watches advertisements on TV and believes it. What is your socially approved picture of "happiness"? Women have a family (husband and children), men have wealth (expensive cars / planes / yachts and half-naked girls). Well, all these languid sips of cocktails / whiskey / brandy in a bar overlooking the city lights / beach / mountains. And someone asked you if this is what you want? No, why? If you know exactly what you want (you have chosen it for yourself), then you do not watch all this advertising, in general, in principle, and since you yourself do not know, then we will tell you, all advertising is built on this. Hence all the "newest iPhones" and a passionate desire to have them, forgive me for the example imposed on my teeth.

The question is always very simple: "Does this make you happy?" The answer is not so simple, because we also do not know how to be honest with ourselves, we are afraid. What are we afraid of? Collapse of plans, condemnation of others, own frustration. I remember the task that I performed at the beginning of my "coaching path", I had to describe the happy moments of my life, so as not to build a new neural connection on the basis of this feeling. And I could not remember them, it was my happy moments, as if they were not there! Yacht wedding and island hopping? Yes, the sea is beautiful, I don't remember happiness; birthday party in Thailand, restaurant right at the water's edge? The same answer. A gold bracelet as a gift? Expensive clothes, bags, shoes? So what, tsatzki and clothes do not affect the feeling of happiness at all, except that they feed your vanity. The only thing that came to mind in the end was the New Year's fireworks on the main square of the city. Do you know what the funny moment is? He, fireworks, is free. Wait and see, you don't have to pay anything, and it doesn't matter how much your jeans and down jacket cost, as long as it is warm.

But, as usual, my idea now is not to urge you to minimalism, maybe owning a car like a Ferrari or a Ford GT will really make someone happy, why not? The idea is that based on conversations with clients and observations of the world around me, I can offer a list of five things that help a person feel happier, provided that the person does not obey the brain zombified by advertising, but believes his feelings and feelings and believes that his peace of mind is more important than the "cool car". That is to say, it is more important to be than to seem.

So, "read the entire list, please."

1) Eat well.

Here immediately a caveat - it's not about healthy lifestyle, not about veganism, not about a raw food diet and not about eating prana. It's about eating food that was cooked shortly before you consumed it. Not yesterday, not the day before yesterday, but literally just now, ideally. Freshly prepared food with fresh ingredients and, very desirable, prepared by someone you know and enjoy. As Vyacheslav Gubanov said, when a woman prepares food for her family, she conducts energy through 64 channels in her hands, so it is very important that the energy is positive. Joy or pleasure or love. Better yet, all three. I don't know how many channels men have in their hands, but in general the idea is the same - cook with pleasure and eat with him. All these “let's order pizza, have a quick bite on the run and continue to work” or even “lunch break is canceled today, a lot of work” are good for adolescents and others like them, and an adult 35 years old who has already cured his chronic gastritis, which he got in inheritance from the students, he will say no, thank you, I'll probably sit down and sing quietly and slowly, without frantically flipping through the Facebook feed and replies to messages. There is a lot of work, but I am alone (alone) and if I do not take care of myself, no one will take care of me, and certainly not the employer who does not allow me to eat normally. This is for children in the kindergarten "first, second and compote" bored, they still do not know how important it is to take care of their body. Well, they didn't spend a lot of money on doctors, they still have it to come.

2) Be kind.

Be kind to yourself and to those around you, whoever they are. To start with yourself, not the other way around, because being kind to yourself is an incredibly difficult task, we do not know how to do this, no one taught us. Be your own friend, support, support. Accept yourself, consider yourself worthy of love and respect. Each of us has a very strict inner Critic, I would even say, spiteful, for someone he speaks in the voice of his mother, for someone for his father, for someone I don’t know whose, maybe Miss Bok, but he always speaks the same thing: "You are bad." A bad child, a bad employee, a bad husband, a bad father, and the same thing in the feminine gender. Bad mother, bad wife, bad scrubber. His job is to scold you, he doesn't know how to do anything else, and trying to do something differently so that he stops scolding you is an impossible task, because look above, his job is to scold you. If you want to be praised, go to the inner Praiser. How, you don't have that ??? And what have you spent 30-35-40-45 years of your life on ??? Confrontation with an inner critic is a sign of growing up, that you begin to wonder if his words are true. I remember one morning when this inner critic was sitting in my head and hammering his "You are bad, you are bad" with the tenacity of a maniac woodpecker, and no meditation helped, and in the end I got angry and asked him what exactly was -What is my "badness", what exactly am I doing wrong? And do you know what he answered? That there is no special reason, he is just an internal program inherited by his kind, and he says this to everyone, and everyone always listened to him and believed him. As in a joke about a bunny, to whom the Dragon said that he would eat it for an afternoon snack and ordered to come at five o'clock. The bunny, unlike all other animals that sat and cried over their difficult fate (they were all already distributed according to meals), asked the Dragon, is it possible not to come? "You can," said the Dragon, "off the list."

I often ask clients, what is the use of endless self-criticism for you, why are you so persistent in considering yourself worthless, unworthy, “inadequate”, are you given an award for this at the end of the year? It turns out that they don't, but then what's the point? Why is it so scary to praise yourself, pat yourself on the head and say: “I am a fine fellow?” That the sky will collapse? The kinder you are to yourself, the better the one you are to whom you are kinder, because no one has ever become happier from criticism and abuse. And the same is true in relation to others, I can give an example of how a client once told me that she never praises her husband for anything, because if you praise him, he “will become proud and will not do anything around the house and will not help me. True, now she mostly scolds him, and he does nothing, but this does not prove anything, does it? There are sidelines like a house and a “hand-face” emoticon, comments are superfluous.

Be kind, polite and accepting. Try to start saying good morning to your neighbors, even if they don't answer you, and to smile at people just like that, because smiling is nice. This is such a broad concept, "kindness", I even think that it was used incorrectly and everyone is tired of it. Something like “being kind” is “send money to charities and give alms on the streets,” which is not the same thing at all. Rather, being kind is about keeping a rude word, even if you were accidentally pushed, not honking the stooped grandmother with all the foolishness, who hardly crosses the road, not offending children and animals just because they are smaller and cannot give back … True kindness comes from understanding your power, and spending your power very carefully only if it is really necessary. “A soldier will not offend a child,” just about that. In our society, kindness is treated badly, by the way, they consider it a weakness and an opportunity to “use” a naive fool, so the general aggressiveness of Russian-speakers, unfortunately, is not surprising. After all, yelling is easier than making an effort and asking politely, we, you know, are not used to asking …

3) The next step is related to the previous one, "Respect others"

Everyone. Not only the boss or the one who is more and more important, but everyone - big, small, children, old people, disabled people, dogs, cats and hamsters. Respect the opinion, habits, manner of communication, desires. Don't make a noise in the evenings and on weekends, because what is fun for you is an inconvenience for others, people want to rest, sleep and don't necessarily share your musical tastes and don't get into the joy of having a very, very loud engine sound. In the country in which I live, it is customary to go to bed early, because the working day starts very early, sometimes at 7 am, and traffic jams from five to six do not surprise anyone. At nine o'clock in the evening, the "sleeping" areas calm down, and the center too, which for some reason terribly surprises the new arrivals, who do not understand why the neighbors reprimand them for the noise after 20. It's in full swing! Most fun! I was even more struck by the sign that was hung in a nearby forest in the spring, when the period of birth of cubs among local roe deer began - a ban on riding motorcycles, noise and walking dogs without leashes. Isn't it respect? And in general, nature is treated differently here, no "man-crown of creation", if you want to take a walk in the forest - respect its inhabitants, making fires is prohibited under the threat of prison, and the police stop traffic and move the brood of ducks across the road if the duck wishes this road go over.

I remember how my friend, who has two daughters, once complained that the eldest refused to swim in the evenings. On the question "why" he brushed aside, like "what's the difference, just childish whims." I received the answer to my question a little later, when one evening I stopped by for a visit. It turned out that the bathing took place in the following way - the younger was bathed in the bathroom, and then, in the same water, the older one, and she refused to sit in the dirty water. Wouldn't you mind? We, again, lack respect for children, for some reason their desires are always considered whims and are ignored, I think there is no need to give examples.

Respect, like kindness, is a very broad concept. To personal boundaries, for example, ours and others, to private property, to requests. To someone else's work, whatever it may be - including the waiters and the cleaning ladies. I know one businessman for whom people are clearly divided into two categories - those who are "cooler" and the "subservient". The communication style is diametrically opposite, in the first case he fawns and fawns, in the second “hey, you, come here”. Moreover, not only cleaners, but also managers of companies who for some reason do not consider this person to be “cool” and do not rush to carry out his orders with all their might, but ask him to fill out a form or wait a little, are referred to as "servants".

By and large, again, this is an indicator of self-respect and an adequate understanding of one's place in the world, you know, like in the body, when the heart is responsible for one thing, and the liver for another, and everything is in balance, but a cancer tumor believes that she is the most important and has the right to parasitize on the rest.

4) Learn new things and be open to new experiences.

Several years ago, in one of the state-owned companies, I had a colleague who worked in her position for 40 years, and the position has never changed. Neither the position, nor the nature of the work performed, nothing, that's the same thing for all 40 years. She was called a very experienced and very necessary employee, she was very praised and presented with certificates. When she retired, the position was immediately reduced, because she - the position - had not been needed for ten years, but the company could not fire the employee, due to the length of service or something else, and the woman refused to learn new skills. Why, because I'm doing my job, what more do you want from me? Among the people of my generation, there are also many of them, and they had a hard time at the time of the “change of the world”, when those who were called “flyers” yesterday, due to the frequent change of place of work, or even profession, were in demand due to the presence of various skills. but those same "nails", the unshakable backbone of Soviet society, began to complain that no one would hire them. If I were a career consultant, I would probably say to my clients something like "write a list of everything that you can do and think about how you can apply this in your work", but be prepared for the fact that you will need to do something which you have never done before, which is great. And on this "cool" picture breaks down. We were not taught that you can make mistakes. You can do it imperfectly the first time, it happens, no one will push you off the cliff onto the stones for this. You can try, try, and even quit what you started without completing it, if you understand that it does not bring you joy. And you can even try to learn how to ride a bike, if you are over 40, it is not forbidden! But then I see another moment, it sounds like "And I don't get paid for this." If I want to go learn to paint or sculpt pots on a potter's wheel, then it is not at all a fact that it will bring me something other than wasted time and understanding that "this is not for me", and I cannot afford to waste time simply so.

- Well, work all week, and on weekends make pots, get a new experience!

- Oh well, and gatherings with friends? Drinking on a Friday night is sacred, and generally a weekend for relaxation, you know?

Understand. It's not about the pots. The point is that there is no value in a new skill. Why should I sculpt pots if I'm not going to become a professional potter?

I wrote about the skills in the last article, “You just don’t know how to cook them,” and their value for me is absolutely clear, I just did that exercise for myself, where you need to write out everything that I can do and understand how it is can be applied in some other way. My education is an English teacher, and now what should I spend my whole life in high school? Well, you can go to translators, but if you get bored, then what? But think about what you can do, except to explain the verb to be. By the way, the skill of explaining at different levels comes in handy for me in coaching, and the forced repetition of the same thing (a very important part of the teaching profession) in the work of a remote sales manager. Well, English itself is a useful thing, whatever one may say.

But the moment here is precisely in openness, precisely in the desire to learn something else, at least what, at least to carve a canoe from a tree, at least to cook semolina porridge without lumps, at least to grow parsley on the balcony. Who knows what will happen there, in the next decade, suddenly my pots will be the most demanded product?

5) Take time to enjoy your life.

As the saying goes, the last but not the least, last but not least. At this point, the emphasis is on "take time", and not on enjoyment, and here's why. I'm talking about the skill to “live your life,” and be happy about it.

For the first six months after moving to another country, we considered the local customs of resting on weekends to be "weirdness turning into madness." How is it - a realtor does not go to show apartments on Saturday and Sunday? How is it that the yarn shop closes at 16? How is it that office workers do not stay late at work after the end of the working day? How is it not customary to call on business issues early in the morning and after 17? Are you joking? “Yes, all these Europeans are idlers, they’re no use at all,” a businessman I know who prefers to work with Asians told me. They answer their phone calls 24/7, seven days a week and seven days a week. Six months later, when we got used to a bit, having people of their own “life” ceased to seem like something out of the ordinary, and a year later I myself gave up part-time work on Sundays, because on Sunday I have to rest, otherwise on Monday the worker is out of me will be none. A year later, I stopped working on Saturdays (well, almost stopped) and I really don't like being bothered after eight in the evening, because the evening is a time for family and relaxation.

Digging even deeper, I realized that my generation does not know how to rest, and our concept of "rest" comes down to a drink or a seal on the beach / all inclusive vacation. The very inner critic who instills in us that we are bad, also demands from us "achievements", well, or at least mine - from me. “Well, well, well,” he says, “let's see what you have achieved today, how many things you have done, how much money have you made? So much and so much? No, well, this is absolutely no good, it should have been much, much better, more, more serious! " I listened to him and tried to run even faster, angry at the dogs that require a walk when I need to be present at the meeting and at my husband, who allows himself to read a book on weekends, and does not invent options for the fifteenth part-time job.

I think the Gordian knot was cut when one day I tried to do five things at the same time, with the same quality level, and the sixth was "hung" on top of me (not so, it would be more correct to say that I allowed myself to "hang" the sixth) and I realized that if I take on the sixth, then I will not only be unable to walk with the dogs (and this, by the way, is one of the most pleasant activities, since we live in a beautiful picturesque place), but I will also miss lunch, and then both dinner and life seemed to me a joyless event, to which there is nothing but work and stress. Having sobbed inconsolably on a bench under a ficus for about 15 minutes, I turned off the phone and went for a walk, then had lunch, with pleasure and without haste, and then turned on the phone and said that I would no longer perform any "urgent" tasks until I finished with the previous ones, and in general, war is war, and lunch is on schedule.

Many people think that life is a race, or a struggle, or an achievement, and in part this is true. No one denies that we need to work, pay bills, take a shower, cook food and so on, but if we believe that we are not just bio-robots who eat, sleep and serve as cogs in a consumer society, in some the moment we come to feel frustration and disappointment with our lives. Although, to be honest, even if we don’t believe, we will still come, sooner or later, because we are not bio-robots, no matter how much our employers would like to instill this in us. And when this frustration reaches such power that we either get sick, or fall into depression, or something else unpleasant happens to us, and we begin to think - what is wrong? It seems like there are ticks, there is a family / apartment / car / helicopter, but there is no feeling of fullness of life, and, it seems, there is no one to make a claim. What is it, professional burnout, fatigue, mental exhaustion? And then I would ask you a question - do you generally know how to enjoy your life? And no, this is not about alcohol, drugs and rock and roll, this is about whether you taste coffee in your first morning cup, or are you just sipping a hot drink on the run? Do you feel the shower gel sliding on your skin when you shower? Do you notice a change in the color of the foliage on the trees with the arrival of September, or is "autumn" just a warmer jacket to wear? Do you listen to your desires, to the sensations of the body, to your thoughts? Do you like the way you spend your days, do you enjoy the food you cook, freshly washed towels, ironed shirt? We all have tons of responsibilities, but do you enjoy them?

If you have ever done yoga, you may have been taught breathing "So Ham", "I am", inhale-exhale, like a wave, try to feel your "being", your presence in the world, that you are a part of everything around. Isn't it great that you are? If you were not there, then nothing would have happened, but do you exist?

Sometime later you will have a different life and there will be everything else, different people, different houses and a different sky, and you will not remember what is now. And if you knew that you would never come back here, would you not want to stop and see exactly how the clouds float and the leaves sway in the wind?

Enjoying your life, in fact, does not at all mean “run, achieve and achieve”, it is about experiencing joy from the simplest and most primitive things, from washing dishes, cooking, communicating with your family. It is about the feeling with which you fall asleep and wake up, about whether you live in harmony with yourself. As trite as it may sound, your feeling of happiness depends on it.

I titled the article "5 Steps to a Better Life", but the first version of the title sounded like "5 Steps to a Better Version of Yourself." In general, the whole essence of coaching and all practices for personal growth is that the way to change your life goes through changing your beliefs, beliefs and habits, and the "best self" is the "better life", and in this case " best "means" happy, contented, joyful"

Happy feelings for you and more pleasant moments in the daily rush.

Yours, #anyafincham