Infantile Generation?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Anxiety and fear level

modern parents in front of the world

so high now

which manifests itself in a truly unprecedented

are still in control of their children

More and more often recently I hear (including during therapy) that the modern generation, they say, is infantile, that is, psychologically immature. Basically, such an opinion is based on the subjective criteria of the older generation: "But we are in your age …"; as well as complaints from parents about their children: “They are not interested in anything except a computer, games, companies …”; "They lack will, persistence, responsibility, independence …"

Along with the subjective opinion of representatives of the older generation, there are also some objective facts, namely: the constantly shifting age of psychological maturation - which is only the fact that in the new periodization adopted by WHO, adolescence is extended to 25 years, and youth is in the period of 25 44 years old. Add to this the more recent arrival of today's young people in professional adult life and the increased time spent in school.

I will try to consider this phenomenon in more detail, having analyzed its social and psychological reasons and answer the question: "Is the modern generation infantile?" and if so, then "What are the reasons for this?"

Wilhelm Reich (psychoanalyst and one of the recognized authorities in the field of characterology) once argued, not without reason, that "every society creates its own characters." I agree that the formation of a psychological portrait of each generation should have its own unique foundations. Let's take a closer look at these grounds.

The new generation was formed thanks to a unique combination of conditions, which in psychology is called the social situation of development.

I will not consider here the entire social situation of development, I will dwell only on the level of the family - the cell in which, in my opinion, the formation of a new person is taking place to a greater extent.

Let me "draw" a typical portrait of a modern extended family with three generations: children - parents - parents of parents.

I'll start with representatives of the older generation - grandparents … These are people who were born in the post-war period. The post-war generation had to literally survive. And for this they had to grow up early. This generation has literally been deprived of childhood. Not only was this difficult time, but moreover, many children grew up in single-parent families - without fathers who died in the war.

As a result, the people of the described generation grew up serious, responsible, strong-willed, but insensitive to their feelings and insensitive to the needs of their self. They had to work hard, first helping their parents, and later, as adults, raising their own family. Themselves, deprived of childhood and the experience of experiencing themselves as a child, they fully tasted the experience of material difficulties and hardships and for them the needs of material wealth were not an empty phrase.

We humans are built in such a way that we want our children to live better than us. And here, as a rule, we think projectively. We give them what we ourselves lacked, what we ourselves dreamed of.

And it is not surprising that the most important thing that parents of this generation wanted for their children was that they would not face hunger and poverty. And this required a lot of work. Their children, representatives of the next generation, in this situation

• often found themselves on their own;
• did not have experience of emotional contact with parents;
• loaded with the beliefs of their parents that in order to live well, you need to work hard.

The described family situation of development affected the features of the subsequent generations (moms and dads) in the following way:

• They grew up independent and could entertain themselves, finding something to do, inventing games and hobbies for themselves. Hence their creativity, dedication and ability to independently solve problems;
• They grew up insensitive to their emotional sphere, with some yearning for emotional contact:
• They grew up with introjects (taken on trust parental beliefs), mostly unconscious, that in order to live well, you need to work hard.

But that's just the concept "Live well" by this time it had already been transformed. Basic survival needs, so important to their parents, have lost their urgency for their children (how not to recall the popular Maslow pyramid here). And the needs of the next level - social - in achievements, recognition, success became relevant for them …

And if for the generation of grandparents the concept of "living well" was associated with material well-being, then for the generation of mothers and fathers it was firmly associated with social achievements and recognition. Remember the words of the popular Soviet song: “Who said about us, guys, that we don't need fame? One gets a board of honor, and another receives an order."

They devoted their lives to meeting these needs, focusing more on social opinion (what people will think of me, people will say), ignoring (or maybe just not meeting) at the same time other needs of their I. It was they who built cities, raised virgin lands, conquered space, made scientific discoveries. They created this world in which we now live.

What do you think they most wanted for their children? What kind of happiness?

They sincerely wanted their children to grow up socially successful, recognized. And for this it was necessary to create such conditions in which the abilities of their children could develop to the maximum. What they did with success: "All the best and most perfect so that my child could achieve everything in life." Faster, higher stronger - this is the slogan of their generation. And for this you need not to miss anything and control everything as much as possible. Relax, let go of control - everything will not go as planned, you will not be the first, which means you will be a failure!

It is not surprising that in a situation of maximum control and hyperresponsibility on the part of parents, their children become irresponsible and incapable of self-control. These qualities, presented to the maximum in parents, together with constant assessment and comparison, literally paralyzed the will of their children. It is not at all surprising that modern children, finding themselves in such rich conditions for the development of their abilities, are largely unable to use them. This requires interest, initiative, risk. And this is impossible in a situation of assessment and control. Such is the situation of the formation of learned helplessness by one generation in another generation.

And what does the generation of children want?

They were formed under conditions of strong narcissistic motivation of their parents (on the one hand) and the most rich environment for the development of their needs (on the other). Here is just one absurdity - it's not their needs, it's the needs of their parents. Parents, like their parents, gave their children the best, what they themselves dreamed of - they created for their children an ideal childhood, such a childhood that they themselves dreamed of. They did not take into account only one thing - their children are not themselves. And it is unlikely that their children want the same. They fell into a trap typical of all people - the trap of the consciousness of one generation … A trap that is limited by the views, ideas, needs of one generation, naively deciding that the picture of their world is the real world.

Then, however, the question remains - are our children infantile?

The answers may be different, and quite the opposite:

1. They are undoubtedly infantile by the standards of our time, according to the requirements and tasks that faced our generation. And we, in turn, were infantile, if we were judged by the standards of the older generation. Yes, they lack the responsibility and strong-willed qualities that we have. But they will never appear if we continue to be afraid and from this constantly control them.

2. They are not infantile from the point of view of their time, they are "children" of their time and they are adequate to it. And they will cope with the tasks that their time puts before them. They will cope if we do not interfere with them in this, because of their fears, habitually guarding and controlling them. To do this, it is important to understand that our fears that they will not cope are just our fears. And such fears have always been (remember the constantly arising maxims of the older generation like “Where the world is heading”!)

In my opinion, behind these fears lies the difficulty of parting with children, letting them go into the adult world, which ultimately turns into a problem of addiction in relationships. Addiction is always the use of another for your own purposes, disguised as a virtue or even a sacrifice for it.

The modern generation of mums and dads has a stranglehold on their children. The level of anxiety and fear of modern parents in front of the world is now so high that it manifests itself in a truly unprecedented until now control over their children and hyperresponsibility. Control and hyperresponsibility of some elements within the system (and here we are talking about the family system) inevitably gives rise to lack of control and irresponsibility in its other elements. This is the law of distribution of system functions.

And it is up to adults - the generation of moms and dads - to break this vicious circle. In order to do this, they need to:

• Face your anxiety;
• Realize the fears behind it;
• Realize your needs;
• Do not view your children as an extension of yourself;
• Try to see your children as others who have their own desires, experiences, plans, dreams that are different from them;
• Stop projecting your needs onto your children and demanding them to be different from who they are.

Time will tell to what extent our children are able to solve the problems they face.

What can be unequivocally stated is that they other … Not like us, and that doesn't make it any better or worse.

It's just that they are Others …