Love Is Infantile. Male Son

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Client request.

The client, let's call her Katya, threw up her hands in bewilderment: “Well, why did such an agreeable, sweet, ardently in love with me husband, who admired every moment spent together, radically change with the birth of a child? For him I am now in everything and always bad - irreparably, a priori, everywhere. This is not so, it is not so. I start to improve, correct, change - I am still not satisfied anywhere. Recently, he stopped talking to me at all, he does not go into dialogue. He says: I'm tired, don't meddle in my head, I don't know why I don't like everything - I don't like it and that's it - period! And the other day he announced his decision: we are getting a divorce, it's better for everyone - and moved away from my son and me to a country house. And I and the six-month-old child were left alone: without paternal and spousal help, without a husband's shoulder, without a real support. To understand the situation, what is wrong? Stop loving? Disappointed? Met another woman? What is the reason for such landslide events?"

Client story leading up to the request.

Slava, the client's husband (note that he is 6 and a half years younger than his wife) is a successful son of wealthy parents. According to Catherine, there was no warm relationship in his family: mom and dad are always busy at work, houses are fenced off, far away. But there was no shortage in material shortage and superficial support, in this they are a family. From the experience of son-parental relationships, Slava learned the formula: “become a comfortable boy and you will be recognized by others; strive and receive; live in pleasure; do not deny yourself anything”.

What's next ?! …

Slava grew up as a successful and comfortable child: he studied well; entered a prestigious, capital university, after which he got a lucrative job; at the service he met Katya (who came into business much earlier than Slava), became interested in her, got married and seemed to be very, very pleased. Since, firstly, he lived as prescribed by his family charter: he did not bother anyone, he remembered himself - with a sense, pleasure and taste - not life, but raspberries, “don’t blow your mustache, skim the cream”, according to the formula “so that everything is always okay, not otherwise … Deceptively satisfying such a choice, a serious, internal deficit in real, not superficial life … And secondly, through a more adult, socially fulfilled, strong and successful partner, symbolically replacing a warm one that did not happen in childhood, a good, all-powerful, accessible mother. And as a kind, grateful child, I adored this “mother” with admiration. The fact that this scheme is not at all about love, I think, is clear to everyone.

So, let's continue … The young people spent all the money they earned on themselves. The spouses did not have any global material issues: a country house and a new apartment (renovated and furnished) Katerina and Slava received from the groom's parents - in the name of happiness and well-being of their only child.

The newly minted husband and wife traveled a lot, had fun, ate in restaurants, wore branded clothing and had expensive hobbies. Not life, but a "glossy picture". Until the usual life model for Slava has not changed, the only acceptable for our hero, at least for now. In the old system of the Slavic World, he really adored his Katya - generously, admiringly, enthusiastically (it was not difficult, she, as we found out, is an impeccable, substitute model) and was reciprocated by his wife. Seemingly perfect relationship. But let's take a deeper look? What is behind the surface of the visible gloss? Shows the further development of their history.

And then Mishenka was born and shifted the accents of the established, comfortable system to a radically different side. There were more of them and the first difficulties appeared, as well as an unknown responsibility, where one must deny oneself for another, give to another, share not pleasure, but difficulties and burdens. Katya devoted all her attention to the baby, transferred all her warmth to the baby, gave all her time to the baby, and not to Slava. More than this: she demanded the same from her husband, than completely confused the recently lost “Owner”, who was lost in new circumstances. And not only this has changed … Becoming a mother and asking for support from her husband, Katya (in the eyes of her husband) lost her former power positions, ceasing to be an “omnipotent mother” for Slava. Could this please an immature person accustomed to a different state of affairs? Obviously not …

It is clear from the described story: the new system switched role positions, Katya ceased to be a “one-man, good mother” for Slava, now she “feeds” and “pampers” another. And the man-son, still in need of female protection and care, is symbolically rejected and betrayed. Relationships of cooperation, equal respect and mature, true love are not known to the infantile. In any case, to serious, psychological, deep work, for which Slava is categorically not ready. Although he was lost and “suffered” in the circumstances, no less than his wife: the former matrix “did not work,” he had no idea about the new one …

… Slava's discontent was accumulating slowly, but clearly. What is wrong - he would not have answered himself … Yes, and why would he need these difficult, emotional searches? Slava understands one thing: the current situation required an amendment. And he decided his situation - "to disperse and be done." Perhaps, in his life, over time, another, new "mother" will appear, and he will readily dive under her cozy wing. The bad news is that this destructive scheme will not give anyone happiness …

Psychologist's note.

Returning to the unfinished childhood of the protagonist of the story, we once again note the important thing: the frustrated need for maternal love and the distorted formula "live for yourself in pleasure", "do not particularly wring your neck" formed a distorted model of behavior in a man, a consumer strategy and an irresponsible approach to relationships. He is ready for adoration on conditions, returning himself the replaced parental warmth, but he is truly incapable of loving someone. He would grow from a boy to a husband. But is he aware of this need? By all accounts, it is clear that no …

The current solution to the client's request.

Awareness of the current pattern brought the client the desired explanation, and then the desired relief. Life changed the circumstances of their system: her position from the maternal, parental (in relation to the partner) moved to another, equivalent, partner plane, but there was no husband in this plane … The new state of affairs does not suit her husband. He doesn't want to become a "shoulder". He wants to get pleasure, remaining the sole consumer, the “son” … The clarified psychological material opens the way for the client to new understandings and work with her own algorithm.