2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Thinking is so difficult - that's why most people judge.
M. Zhvanetsky
Angel and demon, black and white, war and peace, good and evil …
There are many symbols of extremes in our life.
These people are good, and these are bad, with these I will communicate, and with these - never again.
Why do we reason this way?
In fact, this is such a psychological defense. After all, in the world there is nothing absolutely bad or absolutely good, absolutely white or absolutely black. Even absolutely alive and absolutely dead do not exist!
But in the case when it is difficult for us to figure out what is happening, what is the matter, the situation is dangerous or not, how to react to it (to run away? To fight? Or on the contrary - to hug? …), then the only way of judgment is categorical. That is, either completely accept or completely reject.
Splitting formation
In fact, the so-called "black and white thinking" is a normal form of the functioning of the psyche of a young child in the pre-verbal period, that is, when there is still no folding speech. It is difficult for a child to comprehend that the same mother can behave in completely different ways - be both good and evil, for example. Therefore, the child's psyche splits the “mother” and makes of her, as it were, two people - a good mother, a bad mother.
If the psyche for some reason limited its development, then such protection remains with the person and serves him "faithfully" even in adulthood.
It all looks something like this: relationships with others are possible either in complete merging, or in total rejection. That is, for example, in the initial phase of a relationship, everything is good (even very!), But there comes a moment when the other, for example, is seen as bad, harmful, invaluable and completely depreciated and rejected.
Let's say a neighbor came and politely asked for a drill. Of course, a very good, wonderful, sweet person!
When a neighbor began to make repairs and interfere with his noise, he becomes a completely, totally bad, ill-mannered person (egoist!).
In a state of borderline splitting, it is difficult to take responsibility for the split perception of reality. That is, it is they who have become bad, dangerous - neighbor, world, situation, and not I perceive them that way.
Splitting and relationships
Borderline splitting adds a lot of complexity to building and maintaining relationships. With such a perception of the world, it is difficult to stay in contact with another for a long time. At some point, the partner will cease to be “good” and begin to be perceived as “bad”. For example, he will show some need of his own, which will be different, different, incomprehensible, “alien”. And how to deal with "other people's" needs, how to measure them with their own, to satisfy, while remaining in a relationship is unknown. There is a risk of being totally absorbed - by another, by his needs, or totally rejected for his own differences.
The main difficulty in living in extremes is that it is difficult to be in both poles at the same time. In fact, we are either completely in one polarity, or we switch to another. For example, we perceive ourselves as either a "noble man with principles" or an "unscrupulous traitor", "a decent husband" or "a liar and a cheater", "an altruist" or "an egoist".
Splitting and psychotherapy
In a therapeutic relationship, we learn to keep both poles in mind in order to enable the psyche to integrate these different characteristics into one whole, and also to notice its nuances. It is the attention paid, the unhurried exploration of the shades that is the healing and calming effect. After all, then the ideas of absolute danger (absolute security) cease to be real, and with them the frightening ideas of absolute power and total helplessness.
They are replaced by ideas of difference, differentiation, shades, relief, heterogeneity. Now I can be different, heterogeneous, in some situations behave in one way (like an angel!), And in some situations - completely opposite (like a demon!), And it will be one and the same me!
We begin to notice not only black or white, but also gray, and dark gray, and light gray, and even color! And many, many shades of different colors.
Thus, the perception of the world becomes more close to reality, it becomes possible to competently use the environment, that is, to isolate the useful for oneself and reject the harmful in the same object or subject, to creatively deal with these places.
There is an opportunity to be yourself in a relationship, to be different, and also to perceive and accept another. Do not be horrified by the new mushroom, but rather treats it with curiosity, interest, gradually exploring the facets of the unknown …
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