2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
We combine two poles in ourselves: intimacy and openness to the world. Each of us is a person, a person. We must be able to be on good terms with ourselves, to do without others. But at the same time, we need a society, the world of others. This fundamental duality is rooted in the essence of each of us.
We can be with other people or with another person, but we cannot be only with them. We must be able to be with ourselves and find comfort in it. In this "field of tension" the couple is constantly: we live between egoism and bestowal, dissolution, loss of ourselves in another, in a relationship. It seems to us that if we cannot deal with ourselves, we cannot withstand ourselves, then the other should kind of replace us with what we ourselves cannot realize for ourselves. But this is not the case.
WHAT IS A PAIR?
What is steam? A pair is something that belongs to both. Two are not yet a couple. For example, a pair of boots: together they make up a whole. But if both shoes are left-handed, they won't be a pair. A pair of people form "We". But just two people cannot become "We". If in this "We" one is missing, the other feels it: "I miss him." A couple who live life together tend to have an emotional relationship - we call it love. The “I” through the Other completes itself to the whole, becomes a whole: due to this experience, a new quality arises. A couple is always more than the sum of two people.
Our singularity in a pair is partly lost, but through being in a pair we gain additional value. The right boot gets added value from the left boot. As a couple, people are connected with each other and experience themselves as part of a certain community: "Through you I receive what I myself do not have."
RELATIONSHIP AND MEETING
What is a relationship? This is some kind of permanent form of interaction. One person correlates with another person, constantly has him in mind. If two people meet, they cannot help but enter into a relationship. There is a certain compulsory moment here. We constantly relate to something, we are constantly present in the world. Therefore, a relationship lasts, it is a long-term thing, and they contain the entire totality of the experience that we have acquired during our life. And it remains there forever. When a couple comes to therapy, it often happens that the wife, for example, says to her husband: "Do you remember that 30 years ago you really offended me?" Perhaps the husband does not remember this, but a relationship is a container in which everything is collected and everything is stored, nothing is lost. Naturally, new experiences are added there, which can change everything.
What is a meeting? "I" meets "You" and "You" meets "I". These two poles are connected not by means of a line, but by means of a field (that which is "between" us). This field exists only when "I" and "You" really meet. If they do not coincide, do not resonate, then this field collapses and the meeting does not take place. Therefore, you can want a meeting, strive for it, make a decision about it. The meeting is punctual - it always happens at the chosen moment.
A lasting relationship needs meetings to happen. If meetings happen, then the relationship changes. Through meetings, we can work with relationships. If meetings don't happen, the relationship becomes automatic. Naturally, in the life of every couple there is both that, and another: both relationships and meetings. Both are necessary. But relationships live through meetings.
STRUCTURE OF RELATIONSHIP IN A PAIR
In any pair, each person has a need, desire, motivation "to be able to be in this relationship." "I can be with you." For example, live together or go on vacation together. "You give me protection, support, you are ready to help me." Or give something material, an apartment, where to live. "I can trust you because you are faithful, reliable."
The second motivation: "I want to live with this person."Here I feel life. This person touches me. With him I feel warm. I want to get through a relationship with him, I want to spend time with him. His closeness is desirable for me, it revives me. I feel his attractiveness, he attracts me. The couple have common values that both share: for example, sports, music, or something else.
The third dimension of being in a pair: "With this person, I have the right to be what I am." Moreover, with him I become more myself than outside of these relationships - not only who I am, but who I can be. That is, through him I become even more myself. I feel recognized and seen by him. I have respect. He takes me seriously and he is fair to me. I see that he accepts me, and I am an absolute value for him. Although he may disagree with all my thoughts and actions. But exactly who I am suits him, he accepts it.
The general meaning: "Together we want to build a world, share some common values, do something for the future." We want to work on something: on ourselves or on something in the world outside of our relationship - and this connects us.
When all the structures are in order, this is the ideal form of relationship
WHAT'S HOLDING THE COUPLE TOGETHER?
Each of these motivations holds the couple together.
First plane - a kind of practical meaning that allows a person to live in peace. For example, we have a shared apartment - where else should I go? A quarter of couples, and maybe more, live together for this very reason. No romance, no personality. The reality is there is nowhere to go. There is common money, division of labor. Together we can go on vacation, but alone it does not work.
Second level - the warmth that I can experience with another, tenderness, sexuality. It happens that there seems to be nothing to talk about, but there is warmth.
Third motivation - personal level. I am not alone, when I come home, there is at least someone there, not just a cat or a dog.
And the fourth - we have a common project, a common task in the world, and therefore it is wise to stay together. Most often, children act as such a project while they are small. Or, for example, a joint business.
All four fundamental motivations keep the couple together, but especially the third. In a good relationship, two independent people converge, who do not need each other, each of them can live on his own. But they feel that together they are better, more beautiful.
If you want to analyze your relationship, ask yourself a few questions:
What is important to me in a relationship?
What do I want from a relationship?
What would I like, what am I drawn to, attracted to?
What do I assume is important to my partner?
Have we ever talked about this at all?
Or maybe I have a fear of getting into a relationship?
How much of this fear, fear of expectations is in me?
What's the worst thing about this relationship for me?
What is my idea of a relationship?
Should there be certain roles in the family: the husband - one, the wife - another?
How close, open should the relationship be?
How much free space do we want to give each other?
Which need is more pronounced for me - for merger or autonomy?
How partnership should this relationship be?
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