What Keeps The Couple Together? Lecture By Alfried Langle

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I want to look at topics like person, relationships, suffering in relationships and find some connections

Each person is a personality, personality, Person. As a Person, a person stands, as it were, on two legs: on the one hand, he is within himself, on the other hand, he is intentionally directed at the other or at others. As a Person, we are open to the world (this is Scheler's thought), and thus to a partner in a relationship, in such a way that a person cannot be only from himself, only relying on himself. I am not without the Other. And more precisely: I cannot become I without the Other. As an adult, I cannot be completely I without the Other. For this anthropological fact, Frankl introduced the concept of self-transcendence.

But no matter how much we need the other, the other cannot do everything for us. The other cannot replace us, cannot represent us. Each person as a Person must master his own life, lead his life, find himself, be able to relate to himself. To be able to be well with oneself and to be able to talk well with oneself, to be in dialogue with oneself, including without the other. A person should be able to be alone, without others.

Thus, as a Person, I am involved in my own inner world, and at the same time in the world of another, the outer world. Therefore, from the very beginning, a person is in a dual position, dual reference. And here, in this place, the problems of couples begin - because I myself am already such a couple, in my relation outward and inward. In myself, I combine these two poles: intimacy and openness to the world. This fundamental duality is rooted in the essence of man. Summarizing, we can say that a person can be with other people or another person, but he cannot ONLY be with another. He must be able to limit himself and be with himself. This is a typical field of tension in which a couple is: between selfishness and giving, dissolving, losing oneself in another, in a relationship. When there is a relationship with another, then this danger arises.

In relation to oneself, a similar danger arises. Because if I cannot understand myself and cannot stand myself, be with myself, if I cannot confidently stand on my feet, then I strive to relate myself to another. And then the other, as it were, should replace me that which I cannot realize for myself. Only from the ability to be with oneself can coexistence arise. Thus, working with a couple in existential therapy is similar to working with an individual. Man, his being is so arranged that he is predisposed to have a relationship with another person. I argue that the problems of a couple should not be treated only from the point of view of a systematic approach. A systems approach provides very valuable observations, but a personal view of each person is necessary. The basis of a pair is the personality of each person in a pair.

II

What is steam? A pair is something that belongs to one another. Two are not yet a couple. For example, a pair of shoes belongs to each other, both shoes together make up a whole. So, if I have two shoes, but both are left, then it will not be a pair. A couple of people form We. But just two people do not make up We. If in this We are missing one, the other feels it: "I miss him."

We have something in common. A couple who live life together tend to have an emotional relationship - we call this relationship love. And only through the experience that I, through the Other, complete myself to the whole, become whole, a new quality of experience arises. And if this person is not there, then something is missing. Thus, a couple is more than the sum of two persons. My singularity in a pair is partly lost, and through being in a pair, I have additional value. The right boot gets added value from the left boot. As a couple, two people are connected with each other and experience themselves as part of a certain community: through you I receive something that I alone do not have.

III

How are people connected together? Two kinds of connection should be mentioned here: relationship and meeting. What is a relationship?

This is some kind of permanent form of interaction. That is, a person somehow correlates with another person, constantly has him in mind. For example, if I see someone, I cannot prevent it - he just is in my field of vision. Thus, if two people meet, then they cannot help but enter into a relationship. There is a certain compulsory moment here. At that moment, when another is standing in front of me, I feel it differently than if there is no other in front of me. I am constantly in touch with something, I am constantly in the world. Therefore, relationships - last, it is a long-term thing, and they contain the entire totality of the experience that we have acquired during life. And it remains there forever.

Therefore, when a couple comes to therapy, and the wife says: "Do you remember, thirty years ago you hurt me a lot?", nothing is lost. Naturally, some new experience is added there, which can change the entire totality of experience. Meeting is another form of communication that involves couples. If the relationship revolves around cognitive and emotional components, then the meeting is personal.

What is a meeting? I meet You, and You meet I. These two poles are connected not through a line, but through a field (by what is “between” us). This field exists only when I and You really meet. If they do not coincide, do not resonate, then this field collapses and the meeting does not take place. Therefore, you can want a meeting, strive for it, make a decision about it. The meeting is punctual - it takes place at this moment. A lasting relationship needs meetings to happen.

If meetings happen, then the relationship changes. Through meetings, we can work with relationships. If there is no meeting, the relationship becomes automatic. And the person feels that it is as if he is being "carried by the devil" - because psychodynamics is pulling into automatism, and We become functional, material, and not personal. Naturally, in the life of every couple there is both that, and another: both relationships and meetings. Both are necessary. But relationships live through meetings.

IV

What is the structure of the relationship in a couple?

If we look at the relationship of a couple existentially, then we find a fundamental structure that gives us the basis for couple therapy. In the relationship of any couple, each person has a need, desire, motivation "to be able to be in this relationship." This is the first fundamental motivation. I want to be where you are. For example, I want to live with you. Or go somewhere together. I want to be with you because you let me be in this relationship. I can be with you.

You give me protection, support, are you ready to help me, or you give me, for example, a material basis for life, an apartment. I can trust you because you are faithful, reliable. The second fundamental motivation in a couple's relationship. I want to live with this person. Here I feel life. This person touches me. With him I feel warm. I want to get through a relationship with you, I want to spend time with you. Your closeness is desirable for me, it revives me. I feel your attraction, you attract me. And we have common values that we share: for example, sports, music, or something else. The third dimension of being in a couple. With this person, I have the right to be what I am. Moreover, with him I become more myself than outside of these relationships - not only who I am, but who I can be. That is, through you I become even more myself. I feel recognized and seen by you. I have respect. You take me seriously and you are fair to me.

I see that you accept me, that I am an absolute value for you. Although you may disagree (agree) with all my thoughts and actions. But exactly who I am is right for you, you accept it. And the fourth is the general meaning. Together we want to build a world, share some common values, do something for the future. We want to work on something: on ourselves or on something in the world outside of our relationship - and this connects us. When all four of these structures are in order, this is the ideal form of relationship, since all the basic foundations of existence can be experienced in this relationship. And here we move on to the practical plane.

V

What exactly holds the couple together?

We can summarize that each of the four basic motivations holds the couple together. The first plane is some practical side that allows a person to live in the world. For example, we have a shared apartment - where should I go? A quarter of couples, and maybe more, live together for this very reason. No romance, no personality. The reality is there is nowhere to go. There is common money, division of labor. Together we can go on vacation, but alone it does not work. The second level is the warmth that I can experience with another, tenderness, sexuality. It happens that there seems to be nothing to talk about with each other, but this works. The third is the personal level. I am not alone, when I come home, there is at least a person there, and not just a cat. And fourth, we have a common project, a common task in the world, and therefore it is wise to stay together. Most often, children act as such a project while they are small. Or, for example, a joint venture. These four structures of existence are like the glue that holds the pair together. There is a very famous, even famous study on couples that was conducted by Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence.

This study confirms what I am talking about now. Goleman uses slightly different formulations, but overall the ideas are similar.

He researched thousands of couples, and found the following: within four years, all couples divorced or separated if their relationship had the following four symptoms (they are also non-fulfillment of the four existences listed above). So, you can predict with 93% accuracy that a couple will divorce if:

1) One of the pair is defensive. In existential-analytical language, this means that they are on the plane of the first fundamental motivation: he seeks protection. This position devastates the relationship.

2) At least one of the partners constantly criticizes the other. This means he devalues the other. And the other has a feeling: he does not see me, I cannot be with him. This is the third fundamental motivation and partly the first.

3) This aspect plays a central role. If there is disrespect or mutual depreciation, then the couple will go their separate ways. This means the destruction of the sense of self-worth. A person feels that he is not seen. Personality in a relationship does not manifest itself.

4) Closedness is present. If at least one of the pair is closed, then there is no common experience of events, experience of meaning.

These couples - even if they go to therapy - have the worst chances of staying in a relationship. They cannot find personal relationships with each other. In such couples, the inability to personal relationships of at least one of the partners is clearly manifested. And the other cannot do it for him, make up for it. Such a person is not capable of long-term relationships, he still needs maturation, development. We need to work with his problems and injuries. Goleman filmed it all. In these videos, already in the first 15 minutes of a conversation using non-verbal communication, one can state what kind of prognosis this pair has. For example, they sit in such a position that they do not look into each other's eyes. Or they make demeaning gestures. Facial expressions and gestures are the fastest communication. Generally speaking, therapy rarely achieves the same degree of predictability as this study.

VI

What keeps a couple together?

All 4 fundamental motivations, but especially the third. Apart from a functional relationship, respect for the other, acceptance of the other, a sense of the worth of the other is a fundamental prerequisite. But this happens only if I can be with myself, and not be dependent on another through unmet needs. In a good relationship of couples, two independent people converge, who do not need each other, in which each can live alone, without the other. But they feel that together they are better, more beautiful. If I am with someone else, I develop. I experience joy when I see you open up, flourish. Thus, couples in a relationship keep more personal relationships - respect, common interest, a feeling that the other sees me and perceives that I can be more myself with this person.

A few questions to understand the relationship.

What is important to me in a relationship?

If I am in a relationship, I might ask myself, what is important to me in that relationship?

What do I want in a relationship? What would I like, what I feel as what I am drawn to, attracted?

What do I assume is important to my partner?

Have we ever talked about this at all?

Or maybe I have a fear of getting into a relationship?

How much of this primary fear, fear of expectations is in me? What's the worst thing about this relationship for me?

Male fear is to be swallowed. A woman's fear is to be used, the fear that she will be "abused". What is my idea of a relationship? Should there be certain roles in the family: the husband - one, the wife - another? How close, open should the relationship be? How much free space do we want to give each other? Which need is more pronounced for me - for merger or for autonomy? To what extent should these relations be partnership, dialogical, or hierarchical relations are much better - because then everything is simpler?

Vii

Relationships are stabilized through love

Love is the most powerful factor that keeps people together. Love wants something good for another. The lover is interested in who you are, what you are interested in, who you are. The lover wants to live for the other, for you and act on your side, in your defense. If we analyze the need for love, we find there the same basic existential structure. We need protection and support, we have a need for closeness, attention, respect, something in common, where you can open up. If these existential needs are not met, psychodynamics mixes in and problems arise.

Needs is a big problem in couples therapy. Needs - these are perceived deficiencies that acquire a vital character. They are, as it were, endowed with a psychodynamic vital force, they are depersonal. The couple's problem is never personal. Because the personal is exactly what brings healing. The problem is depersonalization, anonymization. Needs are selfish, and any psychodynamics is selfish, this is its qualitative difference.

Need, for example, in love, in recognition, respect, in order to be satisfied, he seeks to use the other to satisfy these needs. And the other notices this, he feels something that is not good for him in this relationship, and even the ideal partner begins to defend himself in this relationship.

But in most cases, the other also has unmet needs. And in this way, stable patterns emerge, fueled by this psychodynamics. Thus, the personality is relegated to the background, and the functional comes to the fore, the relationship begins to be user-friendly, both partners begin to use the other for their own purposes. Naturally, to a certain extent, we can accept and fulfill the needs of another.

If a person is strong enough in this fundamental motivation, then he can satisfy this need to a certain extent. As one of the tasks of therapy, we consider the fact that the couple helps each other to satisfy those deficits that each has. But this happens only when we can talk about it and discuss it in dialogue. Because if this psychodynamics happens by itself, automatically, then it depersonalizes, degrades the dignity. A person should not be allowed to be used. Even in love, he should not allow himself to be used.

VIII

How does couples counseling work

Let's consider a simple model. Counseling is about relieving the severity of a conflict. This process consists of 4 steps.

The first step is release from the load: we remove the load of a specific situation in which the couple is now. In accordance with the first fundamental motivation, we look at the state of affairs: what is there? At this level, we have not yet touched on the problems of relations. But if we remain almost exclusively based on facts, what can people do now to alleviate the gravity of the situation that has arisen? The couple wants to experience a miracle. But they must learn to watch what the next step is and not question everything fundamentally.

This sobriety creates some relief.

And then we start the second step - we create the foundation. Together we look at what are the common goals of these people at the moment. And we clarify how each of the two people contribute to this common goal, and what each is ready for.

The third step is developing relationships. Leaving or nurturing that which is worthy of love, that on the basis of which love can be grown. The fact that in another I can love is a certain resource of this relationship. We are working with a resource. What do I see in the other that is worthy of my love? What can I do myself to be worthy of your love?

And the fourth step is a discussion of deeper problems: wrongs inflicted, some kind of weakness, inability.

IX

I will name the central elements of couples therapy

1) The position of the therapist, his installation. The therapist, as it were, belongs to both parties equally, he has no right to cultivate in himself secret sympathies for someone in a couple. This position is difficult enough. It is important for the couple themselves to see that the therapist is on both sides. Thus, the main position of the therapist is me as a mediator in the dialogue. We must facilitate the emergence of dialogue in a couple, because dialogue is a healing moment.

The therapist should react immediately if the couple begins to fight. He says: you can do this at home, this is not the place here. The therapy falls apart immediately if the therapist allows them to swear. You can make an exception, but no more than 1-2 minutes, so that you can then go back and analyze what happened.

2) Phenomenological point of view. As phenomenologists, we look at a couple and ask ourselves: what is everyone fighting for? what does everyone suffer from? why these two can't solve the problems, what is the reason? For example, if a defensive position is found and the couple is only exchanging grievances against each other, there may be frustration with unfulfilled expectations. It is necessary to discover and clarify expectations: how realistic are they, how willing is the person himself to do what he expects from the other? Expectations are desires. In existential analysis, we turn desires into wills.

3) Development of dialogue. Dialogue development is the core or heart of the couple's existential analytic therapy. He has two prerequisites: one person who is ready to say what excites him, and another who is ready to listen to it. Dialogue begins with listening. The therapist asks each of the couple to describe their problem. The other must listen to him: it is not always easy, but he must listen. Then we ask the listener to repeat what the first one said. We then expand on that and, as the next step, introduce empathy - what we call self-transcendence. We ask: what do you think your partner is actually having with you? Here his image of another is requested (I seem to look at myself with the eyes of another and, asking such a question, a person begins to think and speak). In this way, we try to build a dialogue with the support of the therapist. The therapist in this case is a mediator and bridge gunner.

4) Motivation of the relationship. The couple asks the question: why are we together? what was the first motivation when we entered the relationship?

5) Thought of a break. Why don't we part? A good couple should be able to part ways if it's better for the other. This thought often provokes psychodynamics.

6) Constructive help to the couple. Here we again come into contact with the 4 fundamental motivations, but now in an active way. Where am I really present for my partner? Do I like my partner? Do I appreciate it? Can I tell him this? What good can grow out of our relationship? Where do I see our common ground?

If we can open our eyes to the general and discover what I can contribute to this relationship, and instead of waiting, talking to the other about what really matters to me, then the couple really has a chance. Then we as therapists can rejoice that we were present in a personal dialogue. Thank you for your attention.