2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The reason for cheating is one!
But, before I name it, let's talk about why bother looking for them? By typing the word cheating into a search engine, Google immediately offers a lot of links: "10 reasons for cheating", "5 main reasons for cheating", "find out why men cheat"!
Why is this query so popular? Answer yourself to the question, WHAT DOES PEOPLE GIVE TO PREDICTIONS OF POSSIBLE REASONS WHAT PEOPLE MAKE A DECISION TO BETRAY THE TRUST OF A LOVED PERSON? My answer is: the illusion of control. The desire to protect oneself from betrayal, pain, loss, trauma of rejection. After all, “if I know why, I will have a simple and guaranteed answer for all occasions. Then, I will be able to make efforts, become better, try, and I will be able to control the choices and decisions of another”.
This is wrong. Relationships and life as a couple are much more complicated than simple algorithms. And worldly wisdom, such as "umotayte beloved sex non-stop, and he will have neither the time nor the desire to look for it on the side" - to put it mildly, are not consistent. The desire to reduce everything to a simple classification and simplified cause-and-effect relationships give rise to a huge number of myths, for example:
Myth 1.
Cheating is more typical of men
This is wrong! Even based only on their own professional statistics of clients' appeals (in addition to observing a circle of friends, acquaintances, and not taking into account other statistically significant data), they change women, equally with men!
Myth 2.
Cheating is accompanied by a choice between two: if he cheated, then he is going to leave!
The truth is that the overwhelming majority of people DO NOT GO OR GO TO make a choice in favor of a third party! Making a decision to drastically change your life in all its aspects - from the usual way of life, communication, mutual friends, children and vacations, to its economic component, in the form of jointly acquired property - is not quite the same as quietly accepting responsibility to slip away for a couple of hours from the hearth of the family into the "nest of debauchery", or to give up on a cheeky weekend, having asked for a fishing trip with friends. Changer - wanted to change! He didn't want to leave!
Myth 3.
Cheating is considered only the accomplished sexual intercourse "on the side". Or the other extreme: betrayal without emotional attachment "there is only sex, but we have love" - and not betrayal at all.
In fact, cheating is WHAT YOU THINK TO CHEAR! Which hurts and undermines trust. About what there are conscious and unconscious agreements in a couple: if a partner considers correspondence on a dating site a betrayal, or “innocent long sincere conversations on the phone with a colleague at work,” and the other knows that it hurts - this is it. Stereotypes about "there is no love, but only sex, simple physiology" are often just psychological protection. Coaxing yourself not to fall apart from the pain, retaining the remnants of self-esteem.
Myth 4.
There are some "fatal women" - special, for cheating on decent wives! Who have such sexual skills, appetites and preferences that no normal man can resist. It is with such women that men cheat, tk. they have instincts! And, dichotomous to this idea is the idea of what kind of women are being cheated on: at home, "having forgotten themselves", mired in children and the kitchen, between going to church. The classic splitting into "sexy cats" and "mothers of their children" takes place, and, it is true, is one of the reasons for connections on the side, but the reality is much wider than this context. And she is like this - men cheat on DIFFERENT women! And with DIFFERENT women, nothing like the stereotypical idea of the "classic mistress". It is a fact! Just like women, however: a secret passion on the side, instead of a billionaire prince or a jock macho, may well become a warm, sincere and attentive bespectacled colleague.
Treason can be one-time, situational, "out of stupidity."It can have the character of a permanent, stable, long-term relationship on the side with a dramatic denouement for all participants in the triangle.
But, she is always a SIGNAL!
Most often, that not everything is in order in a pair. There are problems - explicit or latent, covered by defense mechanisms, in order not to face reality.
It's just that a couple, as a system, "chooses" THIS way to solve these problems - by attracting a third. At the same time, despite the fact that partners make an equal contribution both to the development and destruction of relations, RESPONSIBILITY FOR CHANGE ALWAYS LIES ON THE ONE WHO MAKES A DECISION TO INJURY A PARTNER by such a choice of solving their own problems! An alternative to which is an open and trusting dialogue, clarification of needs, the ability to negotiate and renegotiate in changed conditions (for example, the birth of a child).
A person can change and, banally, because of his own promiscuity, inability and unwillingness to control his impulses, lack of care for his partner - AND THIS IS EXACTLY IN NO way related to the qualities of whoever is being changed!
No matter how wonderful he is, what "10 reasons for cheating" would not like to predict and warn - cheating is the decision of another, his way of living and satisfying his own needs.
And, then - betrayal, this is the last, the brightest signal to the partner. The last frontier, message, message - “Pay attention to reality! There is no value for me WE. You are one of the many tools to satisfy MY needs. I CANNOT AND I CANNOT KNOW ANOTHER. I have not grown psychologically, to the level of a mature understanding of responsibility, respect, and solicitude for the feelings of another."
But, he would never say that. HE DUMPS out the list of claims. And yes, the same notorious REASONS, which are then passed from mouth to mouth and replicated by popular resources in the form of articles on the topic "What else should you do to be treated with respect."
So! There is only one reason for cheating.
And this reason is a choice.
Choosing an immature, infantile, childish way to solve problems.
Instead of:
- taking responsibility for
own unmet needs for a couple, and their clarification in an open, trusting dialogue;
- honest and open completion of outdated relationships, giving freedom and relief to both, and not destroying the self-esteem of a loved one;
- acknowledgment to oneself and a partner about the impossibility of being in a long-term close relationship with one person (due to a violation of attachment and trauma of intimacy, for example).
But, after all, this requires courage, responsibility and awareness.
"Walking to the left" is as easy as it gets! Maybe no one will know …
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