Sex Is Not A Reason For Dating

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

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"I heard a ringing, but you don't know where he is"

(folk saying)

“Only when the upper classes cannot live as before, but the lower classes do not want, the revolution can win"

V. I. Lenin

We hear a lot about sex, we talk a lot about it. But how much do we understand about sex as about our own need, simple human joy that allows us to merge with another, gaining a primordial sense of unity with the world?

Previously, the wisdom of sexual life was hidden for many reasons, but the very fact of the lack of information gave rise to disturbing fantasies. Due to the low education of the majority of the population, the process and its consequences seemed frightening and unpredictable. Fears that a kiss could make you pregnant, infertility or even death by abortion at a midwife, as well as the status of a single mother added fire to the fire of fear blazing in the mind.

Sex was the privilege of married people, as a rule, the first wedding night was actually the first one for the spouses (and not the night of parsing gifts).

As you know, the institution of marriage is influenced by many factors - historical, cultural, economic, social. As time went on, society changed, under the influence of the change of the system and the opening of the curtain, the culture changed, for survival it was no longer necessary to live in communities - modern man could provide for himself, and the scientific and technological revolution was replaced by a sexual revolution.

What has the sexual revolution brought us?

Yes, this field has become freer, there is a lot of information about where and how, there are means of protection against unwanted consequences, there is a dexterous hand of a midwife if PPE fails. But have we become more free? Free, in the sense, can we make an informed choice in the place where the question arises before us: to be sex or not to be?

“The elite, who could not in the old way,” clearly took advantage of the sexual revolution - tons of banknotes flowed into the bins of media tycoons, businessmen, manufacturers. A new product “SEX” entered the market and has become as daily necessary as dishwashing liquid (and also just as valuable).

"Sexuality is a sign of success," says the hero of Sherlock Holmes (TV series Sherlock, BBC, 2011). And I cannot but agree that we - contemporaries of the age of narcissism gladly swallow it, in pursuit of the medal of "success".

The rating of sexuality is carried out from the president to the village teacher. Wet lips, round breasts, tight asses, cubes of the press, shiny bald spots in jackets look at us from the covers of magazines … Men are taught to speak the right words and touch a woman in the right places in order to achieve her location (literally and figuratively). Women attend blow job courses, mastering the methods of restraining the gag reflex to demonstrate the filigree technique of "deep throat". Sex can no longer be engaged without lubricants, condoms with mustaches, arousal enhancers. Sex has ceased to be something intimate, it has become a skill that can be "pumped up" and must be demonstrated. Everyone wants to believe that sexual tricks will open the crystal doors to the wonderful world of success! A new partner, a rapid rapprochement, and, it seems, just about, a little more and we will find ourselves on the threshold of a wonderful beginning … And we find ourselves at the end … somehow immediately and imperceptibly, at the very end of our fairy tale, where again you need to gather strength and start everything again. Did the "lower classes" think that it would be so? Is this what they wanted? Having passed through an endless series of "disposable" partners, having experienced yet another disappointment, the question of why sexual freedom does not bring the desired happiness will come by itself. But will the answer come?

Why is it so easy to "lead a consumer by the nose"? Because the manufacturer has learned to play on needs. Selling antiperspirant for confidence, bouillon cubes for happiness in the family, black powder for stable relationships, gadgets for success, Viagra for sexuality.

Money and sex are objects loaded with the maximum number of quasi-needs.

For example, “I want a lot of money to buy beautiful, expensive clothes” - read: I want to attract attention, be noticed; “I want an expensive watch” - I want recognition; "I want to go to Ibiza, to Courchevel, etc." - I want to be accepted among those who can go there; “I want to have plastic surgery” - I want to improve myself, so that I can finally accept. It is clear that this description is rather arbitrary, each of us will have something of his own behind such a desire. The main thing is that the awareness of our needs makes our life much easier, because it becomes easier to satisfy the need (well, or to understand that it cannot be satisfied in this particular case, or with this particular person). It would be more reasonable to go the straight path, get closer to a person and find out if he has a reciprocal interest in you than plowing at work, gnawing at colleagues' throats because of a promotion and salary, get the coveted amount, buy the coveted branded item and … feel disappointment, emptiness, from the fact that this did not bring you one iota closer to the object of your desire - the real need was not satisfied.

So sex, sexuality, sex appeal is a magic tree, on which everyone ties a ribbon of his desire, sometimes far from sexual themes as such (by the way, in the media the last two concepts are confused, because sex appeal means sexual attractiveness, and sexuality is a combination natural human data associated with the manifestation and satisfaction of sexual desire).

Take, for example, a situation where a man and a woman get to know each other in a common company.

They spend the evening together, chat, have fun at a common table, at the end of the party, he kindly offers to take her by taxi, and on the way to visit him, she agrees, and here they are together in his apartment … Both seem to choose what to have sex. In the morning they part, never to meet again. How much they have satisfied their need for sexual contact will be understood by the feelings that they will experience at the end of the cycle of contact.

If the real need was precisely in sexual contact, both will experience a sense of satisfaction, the so-called feeling of satiety and peace.

And if the actual need was different, this will become clear from the feelings of emptiness, use, disappointment, residual excitement of anxiety.

But you can realize your need from the very beginning, and at any of the stages of the contact cycle we always have a choice - to continue, stop or change the direction of the search for the possibility of satisfaction. And since most often clients come to us who only catch their disappointment at the last stage of the contact cycle, I propose to stop at each stage and consider where and what difficulties arise on the way to satisfying the need.

Let us consider the above example in accordance with the scheme of the contact cycle, or the cycle of satisfying a need, proposed by P. Goodman. This scheme is applicable to the analysis of any event, both physiological and psychological, and social

So, the first stage is "Precontact"

At this stage, as a rule, we feel some signals from within - sensations, feelings that have arisen, which signal us about an actualized need, which we interpret accordingly. If we feel dry mouth, we know that we are thirsty; with tension in the lower abdomen, we understand that we want to go to the toilet; an aching feeling in the chest will let us know that we missed our beloved terribly. All this is accompanied by an increase in the level of arousal (the word arousal here means an increase in the energy necessary to perform an action).

It is important to note that at one point in time a person has many needs, and each of them has a certain intensity. A person can simultaneously satisfy one need, as a rule, the most charged, most urgent. When this need is satisfied, another, the most charged of the rest, rises to the surface. As an example, if you are hungry, but unbearably want to use the toilet, when you come home, the first thing you do is go to the bathroom, and then to the kitchen.

The difficulty of this stage is that it can be quite difficult for some people to recognize the need. It is especially difficult for those whose childhood needs were ignored or imposed by significant others. As adults, such people at the pre-contact stage cannot understand what they want. They feel anxious, but they experience it like hunger and go to the refrigerator to fill their stomachs in order to reduce the intensity of anxiety. If you are ashamed, you can drink alcohol, this will weaken the control of the Super Ego, and for a while, the shame will become less noticeable. If the other hurt, you can pour out all your infantile rage on him, without noticing your vulnerability and need for something else. So it is with sexual arousal - it is easy to confuse it with anxiety from approaching, with the excitement of shame, with the desire for intimacy, the need for recognition.

The next moment that complicates the situation is accepting the desires of the other person for their own. Often in family therapy for couples, we hear how one of the partners constantly uses the word "we" - "we thought", "we wanted", "we decided." And when the therapist asks the question of whether this was specifically your thought, desire, decision, it turns out that in fact the partner simply took the other's desires for his own. This happens for various reasons, but the result is always the same - someone lives and fulfills their needs, while someone, like a fish, is content with what the other will offer.

Having at the very least interpreted their state as sexual arousal, the heroes of our example move on to the second stage of the contact cycle.

The second stage is "Contacting"

At this stage, our attention is drawn to the outside world, in order to find a suitable object for satisfying a need. Here we consider possible options, choose one and discard the others.

Well, of course, here it is, you might say. For a woman, this is a wonderful new acquaintance who so touchingly hugs her around the waist, looks at her with a heartfelt "oily" look and invites you to continue the evening. For a man, this is she, the one that three more guys from the same company tried to look after, and now he is the most dexterous and skillful taking her in a taxi to his bachelor den.

Is it so? How was this choice made?

We all remember well A. Maslow's pyramid, in which the needs are arranged hierarchically. The satisfaction of the needs of the highest level is impossible until the needs of the lower level are satisfied. The lowest level according to A. Maslow is physiological needs, including sex. The second level is the need for security. Maybe hunger is stronger than the need for security, but what about sex? E. Erickson, in his theory of psychosocial development of personality, writes that the guarantee of normal development is the feeling of the world as safe and friendly. Harlow's experiments with baby monkeys showed that safety is the basis of cognitive activity and interest in the world around them. And the latter point of view is, perhaps, close to me. Experiencing an object as safe and friendly allows you to start approaching it, start interacting. In the process of interaction, it is possible to strengthen trust and continue the process of recognition, or a feeling of distrust and exit from contact. Research on sexual problems has shown that a lack of trust in partners provokes a host of sexual problems. Sex involves putting yourself in the hands of your partner. The naturalness of sexual behavior and the authenticity of self-expression depends on how much you trust your partner, whether you have any fears of being misunderstood, ashamed, and condemned. Dissolving the boundaries between partners, which is the basis for getting an orgasm, also cannot be left unchecked if the partner you interact with does not inspire confidence.

Scientists researching the human brain have discovered a center responsible for the emergence of a sense of trust. Unconsciously, the decision about whether I can trust the person opposite is made in a split second. But until this decision becomes conscious, it takes a lot of time, each, of course, in his own way. In therapy, the client sometimes takes months to realize, to feel that he can trust the therapist.

How, then, does our example couple decide to have sex, having met 3 hours ago?

Skipping the stage of partner verification can be a “beacon” that the desire to have sex in such circumstances is a surrogate for another need. It may be deflection - I want sex with Masha, but she is not available, then I will have sex with someone who is available at the moment. Or proflexion - I want to be paid attention to, to be singled out from the crowd, courted, seduced, and now I languidly look at the interlocutor, and a moment later I'm already dancing a striptease for him. Retroflection - I am angry that a new acquaintance is pulling me into bed, and I start to scold myself for my recklessness, compliance, inability to say a firm "no." Projection - I took her home from the company, my friends are sure that I will sleep with her, and I have to sleep with her.

The third stage is "Full contact"

This is the moment when vague bodily sensations, having acquired a plot and an object of satisfaction, lead to the dissolution of the boundaries between subject and object. The subject and the object merge, penetrate each other in the act of immediate satisfaction of the need. In our example, this is a process when partners find themselves in each other's arms.

Trust and the removal of control at this stage will be the key to the smooth merging of the object and the subject, dissolving in each other, receiving authentic pleasure, leading to the desired outcome. But since both at the first and at the second stage the true need was not realized, two stages of the contact cycle were passed "automatically", it will be possible to regulate the alarm only with the help of control. Then what will this sex be like? In the process of intercourse, everyone will observe themselves from the metaposition, assessing whether I am lying / moving, whether I perform the same manipulations, if I want something from a partner, how will I look if I say about it? And also to control the partner so that, God forbid, he does not touch the wrong place, moves at a certain angle with a certain pace, etc. And then, long before the final, the participants in the process will come to terms with the fact that the process just needs to be completed, at least formally, a couple of heavy sighs to imitate the denouement will allow the partners to save face and still stop.

The fourth stage is "Post-contact"

Ideally, when the full contact stage is over, the boundaries are restored and we experience satisfaction, so-called "satiety." At this stage, the experience gained is assimilated.

Here, our couple, in theory, should think about how pleasant their sex was, what kind of orgasm was, if any, record the most pleasant / unpleasant moments, evaluate the experience as useful / useless, etc. Experiences will gradually disappear into the background, other needs will surface, and a new cycle of satisfying a new need will begin.

However, since there was no real merger due to the impenetrable borders, hardly any of the partners will feel satisfaction. Vague anxiety will tell you that something is wrong, but that it will not become clear exactly. Someone will write it off on their own shortcomings, someone on the partner’s shortcomings, alcohol intoxication, the weather, the position of the stars … One thing will become clear - a clear desire for the person lying next to leave as soon as possible. Feelings ignored in the previous stages of contact, with a vengeance return to the stage of post-contact. This is anxiety, embarrassment, awkwardness and shame of pre-contact, this is aversion to someone else's body (the body of not a close person) of contact, this is anger, resentment, powerlessness of full contact, this is devaluation of oneself, another and everything that happened on post-contact. The triggering of the mechanism of projective identification will allow us to draw a conclusion that does not contradict their own beliefs - all men want only to drag me into bed (w), or all women behave frivolously and they can easily be dragged into bed (m).

However, this is another chance to realize your true need. But, since the surging feelings are so intolerable that I don't want to plunge into them, it's easier to forget / displace everything, devalidize - “it didn't matter, it didn't mean anything to me”.

But what about physiology, you say, a natural need? O. Kernberg writes that arousal is always associated with an object, only with a primitive object, reflecting the experience of fusion and undifferentiated desires at the stage of symbiosis with the mother.

First, the baby feels arousal with his entire body, then as the individual grows up, the excitement is concentrated in the genitals. A mature (psychologically) person experiences sexual arousal in the context of an erotic desire for another.

With mature sexual love, erotic desire develops into a desire to have a relationship with a specific object, and implies some kind of commitment in the field of emotions, sex and values.

Therefore, diffuse arousal, in which “I don’t know whom I want, and I don’t want whom I know,” is a sign of infantile excitement, where the object for discharge has no meaning and value, since at this moment only the primitive object of their early childhood is seen in the object … Receiving pleasure from rhythmic movements gradually diminishes or disappears if the sexual act does not include the broader context of the relationship and does not serve a wider range of unconscious fusion needs. Therefore, casual sex often turns into a banal process of stimulating the genitals in anticipation of release, instead of a fantastic, naturally occurring orgasm as a result of dissolving boundaries and merging with a loved one, the world, the universe, of which we are an integral part.

Without realizing it, people replace full-fledged sex with sex games. E. Bern writes: "(sexual) games allow you to avoid confrontation, responsibility, attachment" and, most importantly, sexual games satisfy other needs besides sex or instead of sex: hatred, anger, anger, fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment … some are forced to replace love. " As a result, suffering and creating the appearance of well-being, people continue to play in relationships, instead of having them …

Literature

1. Lebedeva N. M., Ivanova E. A. Travel to Gestalt: theory and practice. - SPb.: Rech, 2004.
2. Perls F., Goodman P. The theory of gestalt therapy. - M.: Institute of General Humanitarian Research, 2001.
3. Ginger S., Ginger A. Gestalt - contact therapy / Transl. with fr. E. V. Prosvetina. - SPb.: Special Literature, 1999.
4. Kernberg O. Relations of love: Norm and pathology. - Publishing house "Class"
5. Bern E. Sexual games.