I Know, But I Do Nothing

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The man came with a request:

“I don’t change anything in my life.

There are ideas for where to develop, there are abilities with which I could make good money, there is an environment for communication with more successful people that attracts.

But I'm not doing anything. I want to deal with this state."

The client has decent debts, has obligations to help his children (he is divorced from his wife and lives separately).

Works as a taxi driver. The earnings are barely enough to live on and pay off debts.

He communicates with people from the network business, studies, this direction attracts, there is even a mentor who helps. The client notes his natural abilities - the ability to communicate, talk about a product, etc.

So, the client knows WHERE WANTS to develop, but DOESN'T DO it. We are looking for reasons.

I check the state: it happened at a certain moment, rolls in waves or constantly.

This state of "doing nothing" has been a chronic condition for a long time.

We outline the state: there are no actions to change the situation, there is only enough money for the minimum of life, and then it goes into debt and children. We start by looking for secondary benefits.

I ask questions of this kind: "If such a state were beneficial to you, what could it be?"

The client names such benefits:

1. “I want to relax. Lie in bed. Read, watch a movie, etc."

I am looking for the essence that the client does not yet realize. In the details of the description, the theme "do what I want" appears. This means that usually the client does what he DOES NOT WANT. He works and lives in general - in order to pay off debts, etc.

The bottom line: live for yourself.

I note to myself that the client has formulated - this is not a secondary benefit, but a natural need that is looking for its own way of implementation.

For some reason, in the psychology of the client, there is a blockage on the natural life for oneself. And therefore, the only option was found in which he allows himself to “live for himself”: exactly at those moments when the monthly payment of part of the debt is paid and other obligations are temporarily fulfilled - then you can lie down and do your simple desires. The rest of the time the client works. Work on a free schedule.

There is a swing - or harnessed to work or at home “doing nothing”. There is no middle ground. There are only two options.

I mark this point on a piece of paper, we are not digging into the depth of the question yet, we are looking for other benefits.

2. K: “I don't take responsibility. If you change your job for a new one, go to sales.

There is a lot of responsibility in this. You need to actively pay attention to yourself, you will need to agitate your product, interest. Intervene in people's lives. And this is scary."

There are many different fears associated with manifesting oneself, with interacting with people - and therefore there is avoidance.

Go ahead.

3. K: “Comfortable. The very regret of myself. You can sit and feel sorry for yourself. Also others regret it, it's nice.

Also, some people recognize my story and say that “yes, it’s not easy for you, it’s much more difficult for you than for us”. Vanity.

The client receives some kind of emotional bonus from personal self-pity, and also receives such a bonus as pride from the fact that he has such a difficult life, and he somehow gets out of it.

I mark this point, and move on.

Here the client thinks for a long time and other options are not yet found.

Then we go from the other side - we are looking for the negative, which is in the REALIZATION OF THE PURPOSE.

I ask the question: “Imagine that you have already changed the job for the one you wanted, that you have already started working.

What's so bad / scary / unpleasant about that?"

The client thinks, imagines and immediately answers: “I will become more successful. We'll have to travel to different countries, everything is unfamiliar.

We'll have to leave for unfamiliar cities, and do a lot of things from scratch.

We'll have to actively communicate with people. We'll have to collect the halls.

We'll have to do this….”

So, the chosen goal, which one wants to come to, is associated with a large-scale change of oneself: in order to work in this direction, it is necessary to greatly change as a person. It is difficult physically, hard mentally, you will have to overcome many fears. It's like “right off the bat”, the task is objectively difficult. Therefore, naturally, at the level of sensations, it is like a tremendous heaviness.

Moreover, he would not do it out of his own desire - the whole proposal comes with the construction “will have to” or “must”. He will have to. He is bonded. In such a design, motivation will be close to zero.

I mark the point, move on.

In the last point found, an important fact is that the task is indeed large-scale and difficult to perform.

But the client could choose another job, in which he does not need to change himself for years, but to achieve success - from the state of development that is at the given time. But I didn't.

This means that there is something else that blocks the change of job to a higher-paid one.

I check for success, outline an option in which there is no need to radically change as a person: “Let's imagine that you have a chance and you got a job from an ordinary taxi in an elite taxi, everything is the same, but the income is 2-3 times more” … What then?

Here, too, the client is not happy. The voice is suppressed.

K: “Well, you still need to repay loans. Then another ex-wife periodically calls and says that the child needs this and this, you are a father. And this, too, must be given."

I simulate success even further: "If incomes directly increase much more - 10 times from the current state and the issue of debts and obligations for the child will be closed, then what?"

The client is wilted. He thinks for a while, and then bitterly says: "When there is free money, then … I don't even know how to spend on myself!"

It turns out that even with free money, the client does not know where to spend it (on what) and how to spend it. I note that the client's personal desires are very strongly suppressed. They are so suppressed that the simulated situation of material wealth causes a lot of unpleasant feelings, emotions and states.

I check how, even with such depressed states, he managed to earn at least average money: “How did you live all the time? Where did the energy come from to do something, go to work, earn money?"

According to the client's answers, it turns out that the point of motivation is outside. He lived with his wife - worked for the family.

Now, after the divorce, extrinsic motivation has changed from constant to periodic: it is mobilized from “NADO” in those moments:

- When the time comes to pay off part of the loan;

- When my wife called and said: “you’re a father”, the children need “this”.

As soon as he gives people what he MUST, he immediately falls into a prolonged passive rest, does not work until he is pulled again.

I note to myself that this is a request for long-term psychotherapy - to restore boundaries, awaken your desires, learn to live for yourself, enjoy the realization of your interests and needs.

Half an hour passed. I ask the client: “Here we have dug out 5 areas: the reasons that give such a consequence, that there is no energy to change something in life, there is no motivation to grow, I want to take a break from everything, to lie down.

Which of the found questions will we delve into and will work with him until the end of the session?"

The client first chooses the last option. I clarify that this is a request for psychotherapy, and it will take a certain amount of time - 6-8 sessions or more. Working with self-esteem, boundaries, self-identification, suggestions, etc., this is an important job and sooner or later it is very desirable to do it, as it affects the whole life. This is a long-term work, that is, the results in real life will be only after a couple of months.

The client says that he barely collected money for one session. And therefore, it is better to start with something simpler first, which will give a change in the current state in the near future.

We take into work one of the found items. Self-pity.

I clarify what this “self-pity” is, how it happens. At this moment, I carefully look at the client - his gestures, facial expressions, state.

K: "When I feel bad, I sit and feel sorry for myself … it becomes easier."

As a psychologist, I know that pity itself in the soul cannot be easier in any way, which means that pity is intertwined with something else, emotionally pleasant.

I ask questions like: "Why exactly does it become easier for you?"

The client says that I love myself then. And the moment of pronouncing he himself realizes that he “squeezed” and “love” are inseparable, there is an equal sign between them. Regrets = means loves.

The first bundle has been found. We are looking for more bundles of pity.

Since pity constantly shines through life, it means that there is something missing from it that you want to receive. Something else besides love.

I ask about the client: “Do you have the ability to feel sorry for others? And if so, how often.”

It turns out - yes, he constantly regrets others. For example, your current girlfriend.

Here pity = love, still pressed = care and attention.

And he expects from her the same attitude towards herself. In psychology, this is called a projection mechanism - when a person tries to give to another what he wants to receive himself.

There are certain unfulfilled basic human needs that are intertwined in form with pity.

To bring this to the level of awareness - I ask a number of questions, and give a little theory on horizontal and vertical relations. The first are friends, acquaintances, wife, people.

Vertical is something that is one level higher or lower. Parents, grandparents or children.

Since the client gives his girlfriend pity (the girl is on the same level with him), then he did not receive it in childhood. I ask and check - is it so?

Yes, the client's mother was distant, cold, and indeed, in childhood, there was a very strong lack of emotional warmth, and this unfilled vessel of needs was never filled and still wants to be filled.

As a child, he lacked attention, affection, care. Mom in ordinary life did not give emotional warmth. And this warmth is directly vital for the child. And in order to get it, every child is looking for a way out: a way to get it.

The client could get at least partially emotional care and attention from his mother ONLY IN THE SITUATION when she REQUIRED HIM FOR SOMETHING.

She regretted the moments when he felt bad - that is, in the moments of failure.

The client, in fact, desperately needed not pity, but attention and emotional care, and he could only get this through pity. In the rest of his life, his mother emotionally ignored him. There was only external physical concern - so that he was not hungry, etc.

From childhood, the client is accustomed to receiving attention, care, love - only through pity.

Attention, caring are basic human needs. There is a natural desire to compensate for the shortage, but the main thing is that this compensation follows a pattern that comes from childhood (through pity).

So the needs are clear.

Now it is important to separate “attention, care, love” from “pity”. For these are different energies.

They can be obtained in an easier way, direct, and not through pity.

The client, feeling sorry for himself and looking for pity from others, essentially wants a certain kind of ATTENTION.

This is his need, which is not fully realized. Those. people MAY regret it, but never give the NECESSARY KIND OF ATTENTION to it. And therefore, the inner hunger cannot be satisfied.

So, the subconscious process was pulled into consciousness. I understand this well, and the client is just beginning to realize what he really needs. And only after realizing he will be able to receive love / care from a girl and other people in a direct way.

So, the bunch of "stinging = love" is very strong.

Therefore, we devoted some time to shattering this template stored in the subconscious: we learned where it came from - from my mother, as is customary in the family, in fact, this is an accepted form of expression of love.

I ask questions on the broadening of the view: “Is it always so? When they pity you, do they love you?"

It turns out that no.

There are a number of situations where the client felt very unpleasant.

For example, when they see him as weak and indicate certain qualities, although the client knows that in these qualities he is just strong.

In such situations, the other person clung to him - causes anger to the person who pity him. Such pity is not pleasant and unnecessary.

I ask the client: “In these situations, when they look at you with pity. What do you think - why does a person do this in relation to you?"

K: “That person is thus asserting himself. Like he's so cool. He's kind of taller."

“Does he feel sorry for you out of love? Out of concern?"

K: “No. He does it out of superiority."

And, of course, the client does not want to see this.

Compressed in a horizontal relationship (peer-to-peer) made it clear - in this example, there is definitely no love in pity. There is superiority, self-affirmation at the expense of others.

The link pity = love / care begins to slowly loosen. Let's continue.

I tell the client that it is important to realize that feelings and actions are different things. The same actions can be done from different motives and feelings.

For example, helping someone out of shame, out of contempt, out of admiration, out of interest, out of fear, and so on.

The client has a question: “I feel sorry for my girlfriend, I take care of her. This is good?"

So, peer-to-peer relationship. I have been working in psychology for many years and have learned the theory well: "pity in a peer-to-peer relationship is always associated with a feeling of superiority."

Means:

- or the client does not realize that at this moment he treats his girlfriend like a father (like a daughter), - or is there some form of superiority

- or this concern is not out of pity.

Knowing the theory, even if I tell it to the client, will give him nothing. I believe in it, it has been tested for me by practice, and the client has a link “pity = concern”, so far he believes in it.

We check what is in reality.

Please describe a specific case with a recent girl.

K: “She left for work yesterday morning. I took care of her - I told her to take an umbrella."

I ask: "What would happen if you didn't tell her to take an umbrella?"

K: "It could have rained and it would have gotten wet."

I ask: "And how would it be for you - is she wet?"

The client immediately replies: “I would blame myself that she was feeling bad, but I knew it might rain, but I didn’t tell her.”

I clarify: "Is it typical for you to blame yourself for what happens to others?"

K: "Yes."

Guilt is an unpleasant feeling. And therefore, a person, as a rule, performs actions in order not to accidentally activate it. This is a kind of self-defense against guilt.

To summarize what happened: "In this particular case, you took care of the girl out of guilt, pity has nothing to do with it."

The client thinks about it. Pity is not equal to concern. Caring is not equal to pity.

Pity is not equal to love. Love is not equal to pity. These are two different things.

In a couple more examples of examples, we twist pity from different angles.

Our time is running out.

Summing up the session.

I tell the client that pity overrides the development of a successful adult man.

The fact that his mentor from the network business is an elderly woman suggests that the client is looking for a mother in her, or rather, those energies of attention that he did not receive from his mother in childhood.

These are basic needs, and it is important to get them further.

But while the client is trying to get them IN THE ROLE OF A SON, he will not grow.

To receive pity, you need to feel weak, defenseless, requiring care.

It is important to understand that, in fact, he does not need pity, but ATTENTION, EMOTIONAL WARMTH AND CARE. All this can be obtained IN AN ADULT POSITION. In an equal husband-wife relationship.

Relying on your weakness inside yourself - naturally there will be no actions, there will be a desire to do nothing.

I give the client a homework assignment: to reflect on the topic of pity, to take a closer look at life and actions, in order to finally separate in my subconscious mind the link “pressed = love = care”.

At this point, we said goodbye.

The question of self-pity for oneself and the search for pity in others for the sake of receiving emotional warmth is realized and has already begun its process of change.

Perhaps the client will continue to cope on his own, it is possible that another session will be needed to work through this so familiar entrenched state.

What else did you hook on during the session, but didn't have time to work?

An important marker of a certain suggested life scenario that leads to suffering is that the client takes pride in having a difficult situation.

“I have such a hard life. It's hard for me. Others will admit it. I am pleased to hear that from them. But I am not broken, I am holding on."

There is some subconscious belief (not yet found), the essence of which can be described as “suffering, being in a difficult situation - something cool”.

This scenario exists in the subconscious, and while it exists, the client will unconsciously attract suffering into his life in order to receive emotional bonuses: pride, passion, superiority.

Naturally, the same can be obtained not through suffering. But this is a separate topic.

Also the questions “to live for yourself”, fear of failure, fear of self-manifestation, blocked personal desires - all these are psychological obstacles on the way to a happy life, the life of a successful man, self-confident and able to create material wealth.

The client and I still have to work on a number of sessions.

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If you are ripe to change your life, become more successful, stronger, more confident, relying on your strengths - seek professional help.