Falling In Love Is Given To Us To Grow

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I often read in various popular psychological articles that falling in love is something immature and fake. The period of illusions, "rose-colored glasses", "throwing out projections". "Temporary insanity", when delusional acts are committed, and the person does not seem to belong to himself.

Sleep again - captivating and sweet

I. Bunin

It's true, falling in love is a fantasy. I fantasize about another person. And what delights me in my beloved, that I dream of him, is exactly what I lack, that I have not received enough or do not receive now from others and from myself.

Being in love, I fantasize about myself: how smart, beautiful, wonderful I am. The beloved allows these fantasies to be. But when I am in love, I really become different - full of light, happiness, strength, confidence. And it really makes me prettier and smarter. So this image is not a fantasy, but what I really can be (at least in part).

Maybe falling in love is to some extent a return to early childhood. So that we can get that love and acceptance that was not enough, or that we have lost. As in the first years of life, we are again the center of the universe and the rulers of the only person most important to us. This is again that sweet merging, when they say not "I", but "we".

You alone are my help and joy,

You are the one untold light to me

S. Yesenin "Letter to Mother"

For a child, relationships with the world and people begin with the unconditional, accepting, admiring love of the mother. The child grows and his soul grows stronger in this love. First, he relies on external support, on the image of himself and the world that his mother (and other loved ones) creates for him. And then the child gradually absorbs these ideas, this support. Growing up and moving away from his mother, he includes in himself what she gave him: he begins to take care of himself, understand his needs and do much more, which is now fashionable to talk about - "love yourself." First, the mother teaches the baby to walk, and then he walks by himself.

A relationship with a beloved man (beloved woman) often begins with falling in love. As in childhood, he is for me a mirror into which I look: if he loves me, then I am worthy of love. I can again be in this infantile state - completely filled with emotions, return to a non-judgmental, enthusiastic perception of myself and the other.

One beloved couple

Walked all night until morning

Russian romance

Long conversations that lovers often have, allow you to see and feel many things, relive some events, and draw conclusions in a new way. Taking the attention of a loved one removes guilt, shame and fear from me and gives me back a sense of self-worth. I can dump the burden of attitudes, assessments, requirements for myself and others.

As children grow up sooner or later, so the love goes away. But it will depend on me so that the confidence that has appeared does not go away again when feelings begin to cool down or change. I can use these feelings to absorb them and be filled with them. Strengthen this ability to value and take care of yourself, a better understanding of yourself and others.

I am strong - by the will of my love …

K. Balmon

Yes, it happens that the mother does not support, but suppresses, humiliates. It also happens that the mother pushes or even abandons the child. And he remains helpless, he can hardly oppose anything to the rejection of the mother (in fact, of course, any ordinary living mother does not support her child from time to time; the question is how often or deeply). And then the child, growing up, cannot assimilate a sense of self-worth, love and respect for oneself. But there is a significant difference between a relationship with a mother and falling in love. Mom is not chosen. Love, as you know, is also evil, and about the goat - this also happens. But nevertheless, it is in my will - not to get close to the one who mocks and destroys. I choose to endure humiliation and violence or not.

And even if parting occurs, I can not give up the received treasures, I can not remain devastated, without the soil under my feet, which has lost its own image. Indeed, in this wonderful mirror it was me who was reflected, such as I can be. And I didn't get any worse from the fact that the mirror disappeared.

Of course, any withdrawal, including the departure of falling in love - parting or moving to a new level - hurts and causes anxiety: what about now? I'm not trying to say it's easy. Or that the other person is no longer needed because I have become "self-sufficient."

And maybe I will continue to demand from the other that he continues to convince me that he is in love (that is, that I am the most beautiful and delightful). Or look at it with surprise and disgust, wondering how this crooked and oblique mirror could give me such a beautiful reflection? And then I will start looking for a new love for myself, or, on the contrary, I will say to myself: well, their, any relationship, they only make it worse.

But still, if I manage to overcome my difficult feelings, it will turn out that I have become stronger and more confident than before, I can now better love and take care of myself.

If the closeness did not part us,

That separation is nothing to hope for

I learned you like a song,

And now you're not going anywhere V. Pavlov

… And falling in love is partly similar to a course of psychotherapy. The main "tool" here is the same - nonjudgmental acceptance. And the conversations of lovers before dawn about feelings are somewhat similar to mutual psychotherapy sessions.

So use falling in love for inner development and growth! Happiness to you!