2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Very often I come across a confusion of the concepts of "in love" and "love". Love in its formation includes falling in love as a phase, but falling in love does not necessarily lead to love in the future. In this article we will talk about falling in love, and in the next article I will reveal the theme of mature love.
Initially, I decided to write the article as a response to phrases about love in social networks. Here are some examples:
- "Live for those who need you constantly, and not temporarily."
- "Those who love never go on vacation."
- "The second half is the one for whom you are in 1 place 24/7, and not only when the situation and time allow a person."
- "Love is when the whole world is in one person."
What do you think of these phrases? If you generally agree with them, then this article is for you.
"What are we going to talk about today?" or the outline of the article:
- What is falling in love?
- Falling in love: where do legs grow from?
- Falling in love as protection from contact
- Brief conclusions
WHAT IS LOVE?
Falling in love - the first and most emotional phase of entering a relationship. It is characterized by a high saturation of emotions, thoughts about a partner almost all free time, vivid fantasies about meetings, “butterflies in the stomach” and other “symptoms”.
She has biochemical basis: when falling in love, high doses of dopamine are released (as with cocaine), the brain regions responsible for negative emotions and rational decisions are turned off.
Falling in love can turn into love with proper motivation and willingness of partners, but this is not always the case …
Many people believe that this state of drug intoxication by a beloved person is love, and that this state must be strived for and constantly supported. But at least it is impossible! Secondly, such shooting has no biological or social sense. I would like to say more about this. / /
LOVE: WHERE DO LEGS GROW FROM?
Early falling in love with her insatiable thirst for a partner for the first 1, 5-3 years was biologically necessary for the survival of the species: in this way the male remained with the female for a period sufficient for bearing the fetus and its primary development (!).
Today this state of "blind" love is often greatly overrated. Despite the fact that our era is no longer so romantic, myths about love remain, falling in love is strongly romanticized and dramatized: poems, books, films, life continue to be devoted to it …
By the way, about the films. I saw a good meme, which said that horror films are not as scary as romantic films, because the latter give rise to false and unrealistic expectations from love relationships unlike horror films, which do not affect the worldview, except, of course, the moment that separating when threatened to die from a maniac is a bad idea:)
So, the most terrible thing, in my opinion, is that all inadequate "love" behavior is called love, they confuse it with falling in love (or even mania). And in our time there is no need for the attachment of a partner for the survival of the species - and this is very important to understand. In modern realities for 3 years, many couples do not even have time to "formalize a relationship." And some do not even want marriage. And these trends are changing the course of things.
This has its advantages, and the main one, in my opinion, is the opportunity to better study a partner without dopamine addiction. There is an opportunity to understand what it is like with a partner in communication, society, everyday life, sex, and so on - because all this is very important for future joint life and mature love!
Thanks to his greater general consciousness, a modern person has the ability to understand all this already in the process of falling in love. It is only important not to close your eyes to this. If something "negative" appears now, then 90% that it will be so in the future.
IMPORTANT: falling in love does not change people
I am an "adept" of the Gestalt approach and could not help but notice the similarity of falling in love with one mechanism of avoiding contact.
LOVE AS PROTECTION AGAINST CONTACT
Gestalt distinguishes a number of contact avoidance mechanisms. The first such mechanism is confluence or fusion.
It is characterized by the complete erasure of boundaries between "I" and "the world around", as well as "I" and "other". In nature, this is our first step in getting to know the world.
By the way, maybe that's why many strive for it again and again?..
Imagine: you are a fetus that is part of the mother, you are one with her. Even after birth and finding your physical body, mentally - you are one with your mother, she is the source of your life. Without it, you will perish! And in our youth we all perceived the mother as a part of us!
As we grow up, confluence weakens and physical and then psychological separation [separation] occurs. Reminds me of the process of breaking up with people, right?
The question arises, why is this considered avoiding contact, since we are one and all that?
Good question. The answer to it is: merging, we do not distinguish between ourselves and the other - we cannot see it, because the subject / object is already endowed with our own ideas about it. The illusion is created that I know what the other wants. And for genuine contact, you need to distinguish between where I am and where the other is, have your own boundaries and see the boundaries of the other. And the quality of such contact is many times richer. Since in merging through time the energy falls - then it becomes very boring in steam.
At the same time, I want to note that the mechanisms for avoiding contact in the Gestalt approach are also mechanisms for building this contact. Therefore, in adulthood, fusion and other phases remain, they simply (in a good case) change forms. For example, joint emotional experiences, loyalty to your company ("we are developing …") sex and the same falling in love.
BRIEF CONCLUSIONS
Yes, so we can conclude that falling in love is the first phase of building love. Falling in love is not a bad thing. This is good. She helps in the first time people to get closer. Problems begin only when the race for this state and the denial of change begins, as well as the unwillingness to go further, to cultivate real mature love from sweet love. It's not that easy, but in my experience it's still worth it. Since falling in love is an unreliable foundation, and love is a solid support and rear.
I wish you all a mature love! And if you want to discuss your personal experience of love and relationships, then my psychotherapeutic doors are open. And also always glad to your comments and reposts, thanks!
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