I'M ON YOU LIKE ON WAR

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It is no coincidence that a line from the song "Agatha Christie" sounded in the title, because modern relations are increasingly reminiscent of a theater of war. Everything goes into action: capture in action, bribery, diplomatic debate, blackmail, heavy artillery and long sieges. Without regret and tact, we rush into each other's lives, we hurry, forgetting about the main thing - respect, love, trust and patience. What is it!

Why is the principle "You do not eat, you will be eaten" becomes the leading principle and how to achieve the goal of stopping destruction and starting to create? Consider the main life strategies in a couple and how to overcome the shortcomings of these strategies.

THE MOTHER OF THE BOGOMOL

All wrong! Not in Feng Shui squeezed out a tube of toothpaste, a sweater from her beloved mother, and this mother herself, bites her nails, throws out her shoes at the entrance … "quick" fees, when in panties and with one painted eye pulls "dear, I'm already quite ready" …: smash, burn with napalm, but not an inch to the enemy! Only in my opinion! Such an implacable partner is uncompromising, he does not sit down at the negotiating table., he swallows his partner, bites his head off, absorbs his soul and suppresses the will. If it was possible to do this, then the victim is discarded as unnecessary and the search for a new one begins (“He’s a weakling, a rag, but I didn’t find myself in the trash heap!” She tells her friends). If it turned out to be a "tough nut to crack", then the aggressor is still right ("He's stubborn like a ram, nothing helps, uneducated!") And in a new pair, everything is repeated anew … Aggression, absorption and control, control, control!

• The Other is still so important to us because he is the Other, and not our copy. We make a conscious choice and must be responsible for our choice, allow yourself not to be responsible for everything in the world, decide only for yourself;
• Sit down and write in two columns what you absolutely cannot put up with in your partner, what is vitally important for you (for example, his smoking and your allergies, his work in show business and your agoraphobia), and what is not it is critical and even worthy to become its "highlight". Then sit down at the negotiating table or decide for yourself what is more important to you - a partner or your adherence to principles … However, if the first column contains items that threaten life and health, and your partner cannot or does not want to change anything, you will have to leave;
• Let the other make some decisions, take the initiative … Let it be small events at first, but it will teach you trust and reduce the level of control in the relationship;
• Show your activity in the right direction in both directions. For example, bad breath indicates the need to go to the dentist or gastroenterologist, snoring can affect the work of the heart and brain, the smell of sweat should make you check with an endocrinologist. But help your partner only if he is ready to accept it;
• Channel your passion for pressure and control into the bedroomperhaps this will relieve the tension in a couple and enrich your life with new colors.

DUSHECHKA

The heroine of Chekhov's story, lovely Olenka, completely dissolves in every man ("She was the wife of an artist - she fell in love with the theater, writers, it seemed, she all went into her husband's business, and everyone was surprised that he married so successfully; but now he died, she married a pastry chef, and it turned out that she did not like anything so much make jam … "- the author writes about her). Such a woman is like a mirror that reflects, but does not have her own face.… Absorbed by her husband, children, everyday life, "darling" not only does not give free rein to her desires, she forgets that she once had them. A man, inspired by such an amazing muse that he always listens, enthusiastically worries and assent, first spreads the peacock's tail, and then "grows" out of a relationship where everything is built on himself and there is no place for growth or development. Hence, pliable "darling" itself stimulates the appearance of the aggressor, grows it with its passive behavior, and as a result serves as "food" - they swallowed it, got enough of it and went on.

• Listen to yourself: you are you, not others, your own desires, dreams and thoughts have a right to existeven if they seem insignificant to you. Mentally try to separate yourself from the environment, form boundaries and gradually try to create at least a small, but distance from others - allow yourself to walk alone (at least 10-15 minutes), sit in a warm bath, read the book of your choice - ask your partner to treat with understanding to your desires and provide you with moments of loneliness;
• Find a hobby or activity that you love to be independent … Even if these are lessons in pair dancing, do not change roles, it should be only yours and no one can take it away from you;
• Learn to oppose, defend yourself and your point of view … Try to come up with your own version of a solution to a problem and make those around you listen to it, no matter how fantastic it may be;
• Stimulating your own development is the source of the development of another … The partner, maybe not immediately, but will appreciate that you are renewed and worth attention, support and care, and you will feel that new interests and unusual thoughts appear in life.

THE SNOW QUEEN

An inveterate bachelor who lives for his own pleasure, a successful lady who denies love is cynics who question not only feelings, but also, in principle, the sincerity of intentions in a relationship … They usually make fun of romantics, are able to provide a rational basis for any turn in the relationship, and it makes no sense to try to convince them. However, a turning point may come in their life when they decide to link their lives with someone. If this happens, then you will have to revise some of the key points of your life philosophy and change the strategy of behavior in relationships that are no longer just entertainment.

• There may be no place for love in your relationship with your partner, but mutual understanding is also achieved in such pairs by complete transparency of intentions - the partner should feel respect, attention, share your goals and interests. Indicate the format right away: this full cooperationwhere everyone does their part of the work - this will give you a sense of satisfaction and strengthen the relationship in a couple;
• Maintain the balance of power with clear boundaries - you should have a time when you are left only to yourself, your partner also has the right to this - for example, a separate rest will allow you to relieve tension and subsequently exchange new impressions without feeling guilty;
• Since you too are in this boat, benefit: perceive relationship as an investment in the future, as a guarantee that in old age there will be someone to give you water and take out a duck, as something that will make it possible to continue the business, passing it on to children, as something that will allow broadcast your experience and knowledge.

I AM GREAT

Friend, playmate, blood brother, reliable companion and vest - it's all about you. You are full of enthusiasm to lend your shoulder, climb the mountains for your half, despite the fact that you have never even been on a hike, jump with a parachute, even if you are afraid of heights, and paint some clay things, forgetting about your allergy to dust. At the same time, you force him to be active, to be involved in the activity that, in your opinion, is simply created for him! You have already decided everything in advance and entered the battle for what you think is right … Yes, you listen to your partner's stories about his "ex", sympathize and shake your head in understanding, while behind his back you have already made friends with his parents and are aware of all his childhood illnesses and innocent pranks. In other words, you are his mom-dad-friends and colleagues in one bottle. And under the motto "We can handle it!" full of desire to do even what he should actually do.

• And what then, strictly speaking, is yours? The point is not so much that you live in the interests of your half, the point is that you are actively imposing your goals and vision of life on her. And by what right? Stop nurturing your partner, he is already an adult, and such a strategy in the end only leads to irritation;
• They don't sleep with siblings, do they? And therefore, stop getting into the skinning partner and feel the pleasure of your gender's behavior: start taking care of clothes, take care of yourself, masculinity-femininity coexist because they enrich each other with differences, and do not mirror similarities;
• Your energy for peaceful purposes! Why not start a charitable foundation, help those in need and save the world? Easy, but do not force your partner to participate in the implementation of your Napoleonic plans, he will definitely join if he shares your views, and if not, you will still have many reasons to be proud of him in what will be to him, and not to you, to your liking;
• Idealization of a partner is inevitable, but you need to learn not to perceive reality so painfully. You have put in so much effort to “hide” in your partner that you can’t even look at the real one. Can this disappoint you? Don't be afraid to be yourself and let him be who he is., - it is better to find new general meanings and new feelings than to continue to be deceived and hide behind an illusion.

Vasilisa the Wise

We all strive for happiness and harmony. But they are so difficult to achieve, because we begin to fight with everyone who, as it seems to us, encroaches on our freedom or soul. Remember the heroine of Russian fairy tales Vasilisa the Wise. The balance was achieved by her in several ways. In the image of the frog princess, Vasilisa clearly defined the initial format of relations (I will be a good wife for you), obligations and conditions of cooperation (I will help you if you help me), the boundaries of existence (if you spoil the frog skin, you will lose me), the limits of possibilities (you will find me in Tridevyatoe kingdom, and you will get it if you defeat the supervillain). All this guaranteed in a relationship observance of the rights of partners, determined the scope of their responsibilities … At the same time, the relationship was strengthened by a feeling of mutual affection, affection, attention, care for each other, respect. Vasilisa was wise and tolerant enough to do not rush, do not fiddle with, do not injure a partner with high expectations, inappropriate whims … Simultaneously, self-esteem and self-sufficiency made impossible any war with her, disarmed and made the partner a lover, not an enemy. Look for lovers, stop seeing your partner as an enemy, stop fighting, this is not a war, but a life full of daily discoveries, charm with each other and the power of experiencing joy and happiness!