Relationship With Narcissists

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Again about daffodils. Then they ask me why I write so much about them here.

First, I had experience with a narcissist.

Secondly, almost all clients with whom I work now are in one way or another related to this topic, and I often write texts of such an informational nature, so that later there would be a more substantive conversation.

Third, narcissism, in its manifestations at the level of personality disorder, is now clearly on the rise. Many nowadays young and middle-aged people were "perestroika children". Parents were busy with food, revolutions, business establishment, etc., while children at this time were left to themselves and their experiences. In addition, narcissistic traits are now being encouraged by a part of society. For this reason, neurotically, the level of narcissism drifts towards personality disorder.

Fourth, everyone has the potential to get into a relationship with a narcissist and people need to be aware of what kind of fruit you have found and brought into your life.

I have some important additions about daffodils right now, so there will be several posts in a row. I have already written quite briefly about the partners of narcissists, this will be a post-addition and a slightly different perspective. This is a "synopsis" on the subject of whether your attitude does not represent "the same".

Today we'll talk again about the relationship with the narcissist and its dynamics. In other words, how they change, and what tools the narcissistic personality uses to form and maintain them.

The first thing I want to say is that all these processes take place in the narcissist's head unconsciously. Those. he does not sit in the kitchen in the evenings over a glass of tea and does not plan any atrocities. He is not aware of the reasons why he does it. But he does it.

To begin with, remember that the narcissist has virtually no boundaries to his personality. All around is me. He is aware of himself only with the help of the environment. Any of his relationships is an attempt to see himself reflected in others. He does not understand his desires, feelings, thoughts, and believes that everything that was born in his head belongs to another. All his experience and understanding of the world is shared by all people and for this reason they must act in his understanding of correctness.

The narcissist may or may not include others in his personality or push him out. He pushes those in whom he sees his problems. Includes those in whom his greatness and beauty is reflected. But there is a nuance. The narcissist has no limit to the saturation of his desires. He is usually a perfectionist. And what he liked yesterday may be meaningless, unworthy and annoying tomorrow. In fact, this frustration comes at different rates. Sometimes it's a week, sometimes years. But the most typical case of a dramatic transition from one to the other, a change in the status of a partner. The partner loses his job, acquires some kind of illness or disability, marries a narcissist, and for women, this is the birth of a child.

The point of a narcissist's relationship is breaking down the boundaries of the partner. And he begins to methodically do this from the very beginning of the relationship. This process is also unconscious. The narcissist feels better this way. The partner's boundaries prevent him from fully accepting the partner as a part of himself. But when that happens, the partner is an outdated model. And so he is either leaned back or exploited as an extreme example of the disgusting and unworthy, compared to the magnificent narcissist. To enhance this impression, it is precisely various kinds of violence that occurs: emotional, sexual and physical.

The first stage of the relationship and it is the first strategy is the idealization of the partner. The future partner meets a person who is completely ideal, charismatic, all woven and charm and other unthinkable positive qualities. You are delighted with him, he is delighted with you. You feel that this is destiny because you are completely complementary to it. The same interests, the same thoughts, the same desires. He even pursues you, doing all sorts of madness and proves that all other men are pitiful dwarfs.

He adores you, and you are delighted that someone SO loves you. But this is a delusion. The narcissist loves you as an amazing choice, a potential opportunity to acquire something beautiful and new, which will make him even more irresistible.

Gradually, the narcissist begins to absorb the partner through his boundaries. It is at this stage that the same amazing similarity begins to be felt.

The narcissist's partner argues, because if we are so similar, then I can tell everything, all my secret desires and dreams. And he fully understands. The first bell immediately rings. You begin to do what is not typical for you, or maybe it was inconceivable for you, and even completely contradicts your previous views. A woman may start wearing clothes that she has never worn; the careerist begins to talk about the fact that a woman should leave her career bustle and surrender herself to home and everyday life, etc. Well, this is love!

And this is not at all regarded as a sacrifice or a concession. It just comes somewhere from the backyard of consciousness, as the most real reality. The narcissist somewhat directs the course of these changes so that they, God forbid, do not reverse. As soon as the partner begins to remember that he used to be different, the narcissist cools down until the partner abandons his ideas to return to the past. And he often returns, "because you can't ruin such a wonderful relationship."

The next stage is bullying. No, don't think that the narcissist says, "I'll kill you" and all that. Although if he really is a desperate clinical narcissist, then this may be so. Basically, this is done very subtly and skillfully. He, as if by chance, is talking about a partner: about his work, about his abilities, about taste, figure, etc. The meaning of this reasoning is that you have always been worthless, and now you are only good because I am beautiful with you. But if I leave you, you will die under the fence and no one will need you. All this is given out in small portions, and not in the forehead. In the form of individual facts showing the partner's failure and with which it is difficult to disagree. But on the basis of these facts, a global conclusion is made. And the partner accepts it. Agreeing 10 times on a trifle, it is difficult to refuse a global withdrawal. And then, "the beloved will not wish evil."

The next stage is “victim and guilty”. The narcissist begins to express thoughts that in general in the relationship he is not happy due to the fact that the partner does not give him what he wants. There is no comfort, understanding, the partner has grown dull, fatter, has ceased to be the same as he was. There is no proper attention to it. All this, too, is not always said directly. It's just that the narcissist comes home with a sour expression on his face, makes some hard-hitting comments about food (“it's burnt out here, but nothing, I'll eat it”), sighs, looking at his partner and out the window, expresses thoughts that “lately I don’t want to go home". Those. the partner clearly realizes that he is to blame for everything and is trying to become better, understand, realize, find an excuse for the narcissist. Here people begin to "psychologize" very strongly, in order to seek recognition that the narcissist is not to blame for anything. There is a difficult childhood, he is a creative person, he is too emotional, etc. Therefore, "you need to adjust, create conditions, keep silent when not asked, do everything as he wants."

The next stage and strategy is distraction. Sometimes the partner tries to talk to the narcissist about what's going on or how to make his loved one truly happy. Or in general, let's sort out our relationship somehow. All this happens already at a sufficient decline in the narcissist's interest in a partner. The partner feels that he is losing his beloved and begins to take some action to preserve what was so beautiful and sometimes lasted for several years. The partner never has a direct answer to the question. He jokes, leaves the conversation, changes the subject, is silent, talks about his own, accuses or says some things that revolt you. "Let's talk about our relationship." "Come on, just I want to say that your milk ran away / I accidentally broke your favorite vase / go first with your hair, otherwise it's disgusting to look at you." Sometimes in a conversation, he immediately devalues the interlocutor: "I will put on that red dress for the holiday." " Good. Is this the one in which you fell into the mud after the last party when you were drunk? " The partner immediately feels "festive mood" and realizes himself as an alcoholic who cannot control herself.

The next stage is criticism. Now the narcissist begins to speak directly all his claims to the partner. You are a filthy, trashy hostess, it is a shame to go out with you, not that to go to a party. You press on me, don't let me breathe. It should be noted that the narcissist makes no random claims. These are all his fears and opinions about himself. A partner for him becomes a trash can, in which he puts negativity and shame. It makes it easier for him. In general, narcissists can do this spontaneously if the environment presents them with some signs of their own fears and what causes them shame. When they see a fat woman, they begin to express with certainty that she is sick with such and such a disease, she is lazy, she "eats chips while watching a TV series", that she has let herself go, does not wash, etc. If you ask them how they can know this, they will immediately conclude that you are exactly the same as the "fat woman". And it is not possible to convince them. This acts as a kind of self-hypnosis, which "pains" their epiphany about themselves. And the narcissist himself may be in excellent physical shape, but still he will have fear and shame. They have no boundaries, everything around them is their part of the personality. The presence of fat people for them means their own completeness. Sometimes they get to the point of direct aggression in order to reject this thick part of themselves and demand to "remove fat people from public places" because "they suffer very much through this."

And the last stage is the complete destruction of the partner's boundaries. The partner does not understand what is happening. Feels helpless and is afraid of losing someone who no longer shows any feelings and signs of attention, and, above all, shows all possible types of aggression. Feels completely worthless.

And now the main advice is what to do with it. Keep your boundaries. Reflect on what you are doing and how it affects your life. These relationships can develop not only in marriage, but also in friendship, and at work, and even in some kind of social movement led by a narcissistic personality.