Right Feelings - Unhappy Children

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Most often in my work I meet with impaired feelings. They were devalued a long time ago, back in childhood, while others continue to do it by inertia: well, why "good" to disappear?

This permanent depreciation is now often referred to as invalidation. Well, that is, when someone tells you that he is hurt / scared, and you, in response, laughing fervently, claim that this is all nonsense and it seemed to him.

As a child, this trick is much easier to do. Because I have not yet fully learned to believe in myself, and how do you know that it is so right? Small, after all. For invalidity to occur, you need a little: to regularly assert that the child's emotions seem to be. Then grow up with the feeling that something is wrong with you - it's just a matter of time. To make it clearer, I'm using examples.

Petya asks for a robot for the New Year. Like Leshka, only green. To tell the truth, he already has a lot of robots. But this one just wants to tremble under the knees. Instead of talking about his son's hobbies, the Adult shames him that it’s time to want an encyclopedia about dinosaurs, otherwise he’s never smarter.

Liza was upset that her parents were going on vacation together, and she was left with Aunt Masha, who always makes her get up from the table with an empty plate, which often makes Liza sick. Instead of talking to Aunt Masha about plates and Liza about her experiences, the Adult shames the child for misunderstanding the reactions of her body, that she does not feel sick, and she just gets up from the table when she is full, and for that, that he does not want to stay with his aunt - relatives, after all, shame on you.

You can also scold for fear of Saturday's competition, because "normal boys" are not afraid of anything. And also - for friendship with Seryozha, who only does what he plays in the yard with the ball all his free time, and not with Kolenka, who has already received the third certificate for good behavior. And also - for being angry with dad, because he never took him to the garage, but how can you be angry with your own father ??!

Behind all these examples, which are quite familiar to the ear, “magic” occurs imperceptibly: the child is informed that his desires and feelings are unacceptable and wrong, and that you need to feel and want from this list. That is, in order for the parents to continue to love him, you need to feel completely differently. Love, of course, has a price. But it should not demand that you give up yourself. But is it possible for a child to understand this?..

So imagine a child to whom a parent broadcasts "be only positive, cheerful and successful, then I will love you." With regular messages of this kind, with all the torments of shame and pain due to bullying at school, he simply will not be able to answer "I have the right to feel what I feel."

Now you are all aware that there are no bad and good feelings, there are just feelings that you have the right to anger and despair. Because this is spoken out loud on every corner and from all podcasts. The child will be aware only if he is told about it and will be raised in such a respectful atmosphere. And if for every “bad” emotion you put a depreciation on top and “throw it away”, what will remain in the bottom line?

Therefore, one of the most frequent background requests is to learn to love and accept yourself. Believe yourself, be able to rely on yourself. And this is difficult to do without discarded feelings. Parents, of course, always want the best. Difficult to understand their own feelings, they often brush aside the feelings of children, believing that this is how they “temper the steel”.

Respect for feelings - your own and others' - requires maturity and inner strength. Shouting and ordering to shut up is always easier than touching the painful, including your own. Freezing the senses is sometimes the only way to stay functional. But for therapy, the process of their gradual defrosting is a common thing) This is the very space where the feelings (any) first have color and density, and then value. And behind them is already love and acceptance of oneself, a loved one)