When Care And Radish Are Cognate Words

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

He will fall. Oh, poor thing!

His mother takes pity on him.

Smarter in the reserve

You can't find a child!

A. Barto

Meredith Small, an anthropologist, in her book We and Our Babies provides examples of parenting and interaction between mothers and children in different cultures.

For example, he talks about an African tribe, where a child under 3 years old spends all the time with his mother, so he hardly cries, has enough bodily contact with his mother, but, for example, little is spoken with him, because he must become a member of the collective, where his opinion will not become the main one; in contrast to Western families, where mothers try to speak as often as possible so that the child forms his “verbal practice” as early as possible.

She writes: “Our ideas about parenting are a fusion of personal experiences from observing our own parents' behavior, thinking about how we can improve what we know from our past, and culturally based norms that determine behavior that is acceptable within a specific culture. Considering all this, it is not surprising that there are as many parenting styles as there are parents."

Beliefs, as a stable belief system, are common to all. In a deeper understanding, a person's beliefs are the picture of the world that he adheres to. And within the framework of beliefs and other factors, for example, readiness for motherhood, a way of caring for a child is formed.

For example, parents of generation X were forced to go to work after a year of maternity leave, and children were mainly sent to nurseries and kindergartens. Even with the most friendly care, nurseries cannot replace maternal care. What is called a holding, even good educators cannot give to an entire group.

By holding D. Winnicott meant the care and attention that the child is surrounded by from birth. It consists of a complex of external manifestations of caring beliefs, perceptions, worldview and the unconscious of the mother herself.

Protecting the child from intolerable experiences that could harm him irreparably, the infant's mother accepts the child's omnipotence, first tries to guess, and then learns and understands his needs.

Therefore, too abrupt and earlier separation of the mother and child harms their relationship, which is no longer safe for the child.

“Duration of maternal care, attention and alignment with the baby’s rhythms, the fact that a good enough mother does not spur the baby’s development, allowing him to dominate in the first place, creates reliability and the type of basic trust that determines the possibility of a good relationship with reality,” Winnicott writes. It is important that over time, the child loses the illusion of omnipotence, and the mother allows the child to become isolated.

But there is also a different kind of concern. Clients often report their parents' care using expressions like this: “Well, I had a caring mom. She was ALWAYS there."

When asked to tell how exactly my mother supported or provided care, one can hear that my mother was worried, often saying “my poor thing,” “my poor,” and so on.

Even in adulthood, such mothers say: "Don't bother him, he works poor all the time, very busy." At the same time, an adult male son works in an office from 9 to 18, does not stay late, does not experience any temporary time pressure.

Such mothers usually do not allow the separation to take place in a timely manner.

And clients, becoming adults, feel that they do not fully meet parental expectations, are not empathetic, kind and responsive enough. It is hard for them to realize that they still live in the rays of parental ideas, and all beliefs and characteristics in this field, of course, are evaluative - have almost nothing to do with them.

In the same way, the original care options were based on parental needs rather than their own.

A child lives for himself - healthy, intelligent, he has time at school - does he have a need to be poor or suffering?

But over and over again, Mom offers comfort where you don't need it.

Over and over again, my mother proposes the position that an active girl's life is difficult - "you won't get married." At the same time, it is also impossible to study badly - "you will become a janitor." Over and over again, mom says that it is very important to adhere to certain norms.

To the question "How did you choose your profession?" I hear in response "Mom said" or "Mom insisted."

Mom also insisted on marriage or marriage. At the same time, the not very happy life in a family of children is not surprising.

And if dad does not share the fusion of the child and the mother, does not give support and confidence, does not limit the mother in absorbing influence on the child, then there is also the conviction that you cannot rely on a man, and that's right, mom said so..

This absorbing overprotection in no way is based on the feelings of the child, but always the mother's need to satisfy her fears, anxiety, the need for persistent affection.

And so the child loses his life, but gains his mother's.

At the same time, the settings of awareness of their needs are knocked down. Parents of grown-up children expect one thing from them: an understanding of parental needs, an answer to them. But where, have mercy ?! If the child was taught to ignore natural needs, interrupting them with anxiety or their own projections? The circle is closed.

Winnicott writes: “Some mothers function in two dimensions. At one level (you can call it the top one), they want only one thing - for the child to grow up, come out from behind the fence, go to school, go out into the world. But on another, deeper, as I think, and in fact, unconscious, they cannot admit that the child will become free. Here, in the depths of her soul, where logic does not matter much, the mother cannot give up what is most precious to her, from her maternal role - it is easier for her to feel like a mother when the child is dependent on her for everything, than when he, as he grows, becomes more and more detached, independent and rebellious."

Healthy care is based on:

1. Understanding the needs of another person, in this case, a child. The less the mother is concerned, the less reason the child has not to trust himself. The child receives life lessons, which he copes with - suffers short-term hunger or an abrasion on the knee.

2. Accepting a different point of view - for example, accepting that the child can be warm in the same conditions where the parent is cold.

3. The significance of the other: understanding that you and your child are not “merged” forever, and he will go his own way when he is ready for this.